14> He keeps asking if your daughters are “good breeding stock.”
13> Her excuse for running over your dog? “There was a freeze-dried ice cream sale at Wal-Mart.”
12> You catch him throwing cans of Spam into what you thought was an old tree stump.
11> Asks if you know anyone who would like five thousand bags of topsoil.
10> Turret with gun barrel now poking up from his kid’s sandbox.
9> Fido’s been getting into their flower bed for years, but this is his first land mine detonation.
8> He’s throwing a New Years Eve party for “all fertile women ages 18-35.”
7> What looks like a cement truck is now filling her empty pool with pork ‘n’ beans.
6> For weeks, he’s been trying to develop a taste for his own urine.
5> Shows you her new cookbook, “450 Recipes for Rice-a-Roni.”
4> Says he’s building a wine cellar — but the trucks are delivering malt liquor and Ripple.
3> Says his new shotgun is for “keeping mutants away from the womenfolk.”
2> Abandons his Noah’s Ark Recreation project and to slaughter and salt-cure the pairs of animals instead.
1> “Kidnap a Hooters waitress and repopulate the Earth” seems like an odd New Year’s resolution.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]