14> “Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary — the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.”
13> “I haven’t seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.”
12> “The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.”
11> “I’ve seen women pee standing up with better aim.”
10> “Somebody call Janet Reno — I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!”
9> “That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.”
8> “I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.”
7> “Hey, Cunningham — Andy Warhol called. You’re at 14:55 and we’re tickin’ big-time here, Chachi.”
6> “He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.”
5> “Hey Deion, Bubbelah — maybe you’d better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you’d paid for life’s little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?”
4> “When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar’s tomb.”
3> “That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.”
2> “Nervous? He’s tighter than Pat Buchanan’s sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.”
1> “Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]