13. Your co-workers are obliviously to the fact that your “DayTimer” is really a leather-bound TV Guide.
12. You’re still trying to find a publisher for your book “C-Span for Dummies.”
11. You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC — and HSA (Huge Sofa Ass).
10. To reduce “downtime” — you got an *elective* colostomy.
9. Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving Ally McBeal.
8. Your name: Nick
Nickelodeon’s new channel: Nick for Nick
7. You write daily to the producers of “Bassmasters” to urge them come out with movie version.
6. Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife: “Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker’s on.”
5. You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb.
4. Forget the dish, *you* have your own friggin’ satellite.
3. As surgeons painstakingly remove the petrified Cheetos embedded in your gargantuan ass cheeks, you spend the entire 7 hours staring dumbly at the EKG monitor.
2. Those 37 electrocutions still don’t deter you from watching cartoons in the shower.
1. The last time you *read* for enjoyment was when they subtitled Arnold the Pig on an episode of Green Acres.
[This list copyright 1998 by Chris White]