12. “Like a virgin?” Yeah, right. How ’bout “Like ten pounds off my lard ass?”
11. “Shanghai Surprise” now the name of her entry in the Pillsbury Bake-Off.
10. Stopped ordering unwanted pizzas to Janet Jackson’s home.
9. Now only stalked by Danny from the Diaper Service.
8. Old book: “Sex” New book: “Tupperware”
7. Much easier for paparazzi to follow a mini-van going 16mph with a stuck turn signal.
6. When she appears on talk shows and swears like a construction worker, she now adds, “Pardon my f**kin’ French.”
5. Spends less time trying to defy critics, more time trying to defy gravity.
4. Hasn’t yet slept with new personal trainer, Richard Simmons.
3. Out: Warren Beatty In: Ned Beatty
2. Wears new 18-Hour Underwire Cone Nursing Bra with Child Safety Caps.
1. The Christian Coalition has downgraded her from “Dangerous Slut” to “Has a Good Beat.”
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]