The 5 Levels of Drinking
Level 1:
It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have
work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed
friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I
get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”
Level 2:
It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against
artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level
2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with
my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long
as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I’m
COOl.”
Level 3:
One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes
arguing for artificial tuff. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen!” At level 3, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you
buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get
drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together
forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level 3, that devil is a little bit
bigger.., and he’s buying. And you’re thinking
“Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep.., and a complete change
of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”
Level 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of
rum and a Coke. You are artificial tutti. This time on your way to the bathroom, you
punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don’t like his face! And now
you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your
friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an at, er
hours bar. And here, at level 4, you actually think to yourself, “Well …. as long as I’m
only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well …. stay up all night!!!! Yeah!
That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith
Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get
31 hours sleep tomorrow ………………. cool.
Level 5:
Five in the morning, alter unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo
parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up
across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that
morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta
be in Hell at nine.I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point,
you’re ail drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon
wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday
I’m gonna marry that girlt!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “We’re drivin’ to
floridaf Y!!!”- and passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 –
the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out ora bar in
daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and
they know. And they say… “Who’s Ruby?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up
ail night, it’s like a victory, like you’ve beat the night.., but if you’re over 27, then that sun
is like
God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never
do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that
little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”