– When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I’m leaving.
– Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came
back the entire area was missing.
– It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
– I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
“Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know where
sleep is.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of
tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and
just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said, “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
– I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it’s going to be up all night.
– When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you
sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
wandering.
– One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in
somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all
over the world.
– My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she’s asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
– I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t
find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they
were!
– I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored
socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same
because I go by thickness.”
– I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on
the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your
sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
– Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
– Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
– There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
– I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!…I named him
Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!” Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
– I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around
in circles.
– The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid
of widths.
– A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation…go figure
– If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
– If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
– Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
– What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald
men?
– I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
– I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were
cramming for their finals.
– I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use…
Toothpicks?
– Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don’t they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
– How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
– If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?
– Clones are people two.
– If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?
– If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
– Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t
zigzag?
– Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
– If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
– If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
– I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d
be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
– So what’s the speed of dark?
– How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?
– After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?
– If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
in?
– I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live
above me are furious.