– Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm – Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines – Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese – I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week – I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met – I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol – I intend to live forever – so far, so good – I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? – If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough! – Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb! – Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States – Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of – Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have – Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. – The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. – When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. – Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. – If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. – Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … – 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously >> overlooked something. – Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. – Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. – Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. – Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! – If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? – Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? – What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. – I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? – Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. – Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? – Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! – For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. – OK, so what’s the speed of dark? – Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines! – Black holes are where God divided by zero. – All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. – I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.