- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
- Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
- You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
- My grandmother’s 90; she’s dating a man 93. They never argue: they can’t hear each other.
- At my age, “getting a little action” means I don’t need to take a laxative.
- I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what I’d most appreciate getting. I tell them: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
- As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, who goes to bed with whom. (Dorothy Sayers)
- Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. (Phyllis Diller)
- Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
- Don’t take life so seriously … it’s not permanent.
- Despite the cost of living, it’s still quite popular.
- The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)
- Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.
- If you’re old enough to know better, you’re too old to do it.
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Time wounds all heels.
- You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
- You’re getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
- You’re getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don’t know till the 4th of July.
- You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
- You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
- I’m getting just like my great-grandchildren — wearing diapers and using a walker.
- The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
- It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
- You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
- My uncle reads the obits every day. He can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.
- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.