You may be a republican if:
– You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
– You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”
– You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if
people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
– You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or
ethnic minority here) friend”
– You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed
to welfare.
– You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
– You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
– The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because
heck, they’re richer than you.
– You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
– You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
– You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
– You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
– You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the
sons of bitches.”
– You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
– You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
– You answer to “The Man.”
– You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you
watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
– You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”
– You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
– You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
– You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western
values.”
– When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
– You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
– You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
– You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever
attacks your home.
– Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
– You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.
– You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
– You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
– You’ve ever called education a luxury.
– You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
– You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
– You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
– You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
– You’re afraid of the liberal media.”
– You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition
dictates….”
– You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash
can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to
society.”
– You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
– You confuse Lenin with Lennon.