In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium (Lb) – The heaviest known element. It possesses an
ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no
light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with
it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
Billclintium (Bc) – With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this
element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium (Eh) – Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more
rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium (Pc) – Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons,
neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but
smells like a rose.
Newtium (Nt) – Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative
charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased
cheaply.
Quaylium (Vp) – Einsteinium it ain’t.
Budweisium (Ps) – Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable
from water.
Cabmium (Cb) – Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two
states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped,
no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The
charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula
for calculating it.
Politicium (Po) – Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in
that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress (Cg) – Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot (Sn) – Bonds forever with corduroy.
Kryptonite (S) – Kills Superman. That’s it. That’s all it does.