Aquarius
There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the
back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by
playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day.
Pieces
They to avoid any Virgo’s or Leo’s with the Ebola virus. You
are the true “Lord of the Dance” no matter what those idiots at
work say.
Aires
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40
pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an
albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness. What’re you gonna do? Cry
about it? The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your
fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of
the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct
tape up your nose while taking your driving test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to
your boss’ face. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored Jell-O, and wash
it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo
All Virgo’s are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for
you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your
head impaled upon a stick.
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more
talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember
that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio
Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an
open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low
self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of fat old women you’ve got
hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person,but
you know they’re lying. If I were you, I’d lock my doors and
windows and never ever,ever, ever, ever leave my house again.