Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone-
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin-
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where
the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-
It’s not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper
dryin’ on the clothesline.
-George Lindsey-
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-
I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson-
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres-
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-