Deer hunting season is coming up… Here are the secret diary entries from
last year’s deer hunt.
1:00 am – Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am – Hunting partner arrives – drags you out of bed.
3:00 am – Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am – Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am – Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am – Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am – Set up camp – forgot the tent.
4:30 am – Head into the woods.
6:05 am – See eight deer.
6:06 am – Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am – “Click”.
6:08 am – Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am – Head back to camp.
9:00 am – Still looking for camp.
10:00 am – Realize you don’t know where camp is.
Noon – Fire gun for help – eat wild berries.
12:15 pm – Ran out of bullets – eight deer come back.
12:20 pm – Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm – Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm – Rescued.
12:55 pm – Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm – Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm – leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm – Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm – Load gun – leave camp again.
5:00 pm – Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00 pm – Arrive at camp – see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm – Load gun.
6:02 pm – Fire gun.
6:03 pm – One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm – Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm – Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm – Fall into fire.
6:10 pm – Change clothes – throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm – Take pickup – leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm – Pickup boils over – hole shot in block.
6:26 pm – Start walking.
6:30 pm – Stumble and fall – drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm – Meet bear.
6:36 pm – Take aim.
6:37 pm – Fire gun – blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm – Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm – Climb tree.
9:00 pm – Bear departs – wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight – Home at last.
Next day – Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into
little pieces – place in envelope and mail to back to Game Warden.