Category: travel / vacation

Three guys went on spring vacation and booked three rooms at a
hotel. When they got to the hotel the clerk said there were no
reservations in the computer for them but they had an opening in
a suite they had. So they said okay.Then the clerk gave them the
key, said it was on the 30th floor and the elevator was broken
so they would have to use the stairs. They said okay and made a
deal the first guy would tell funny stories the 1st ten flights.
The second guy would tell scary stories the 2nd ten flights, and
the third would tell sad stories the last ten flights. So the
fisrt guy told stories and they walked slow. Then the second guy
told stories and they sped up when they got scared. Last the 3rd
guy told sad stories and at the last stair he said, “Want to
here the saddest story in the world” and the other guys said
okay tell us. He said, “I left the key in the lobby.”

A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.”This train doesn’t stop at Victoria, it’s the express.””You are joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria!””Sorry sir. This train will not stop at Victoria.””There must be something you can do.””Well there is one thing …””What? anything! I need to get off!””Well, I’ll get the driver to slow down and I’ll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.””My God! Will that work?””It’s worth a try.”The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running! The man is running in mid-air.”Run faster! Run faster!” The ticket collector lowers the man down.The man’s feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life!The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!He’s made it! he begins to slow down. He’s still running at 20mph alongside the train as the other passengers watch in amazement. As the last carriage goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train.As he’s being pulled into the carriage, he hears a voice say …”You’re lucky I was here to help! This train doesn’t even stop at Victoria!”

On a flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.

This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.” “Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.”

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs.

A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night.

All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door.

After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, “Who are you? What do you want?”

“I’m staying here!”

“Stay there, then,” she retorted, and slammed the window shut!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Two bikers were riding down a country road on a Harley. The driver’s
leather jacket wouldn’t stay closed because the zipper had broken, so he
pulled over. “Just put your jacket on backwards,” his buddy suggested.

Then they zoomed off down the road, until they hit a curve at high speed
and crashed. A farmer found them and called the police.

“Is either of them showing any sign of life?” asked the officer.

“Well, the first one was” replied the farmer, “until I turned his head
around the right way.”

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,”‘ asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’.”

Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.” He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing

One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, “Uh-oh, what have I done now? I’m not speeding. I’m not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!”So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn’t deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, “I know. I’m here to tell you that your horn is stuck.”

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.

If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

Fun Things To During A Driving Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say with a menacing look, “Buckle up!”

3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say “Oops!”

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “Now which one is the gas again?”

8. Fill your car with beer bottles.

9. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

11. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

12. Beep your horn at everything. Tell the examiner you understand the meaning behind road rage.