Category: travel / vacation

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained. “It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”

Five young men from the country were new to big city travel, but they’d
always heard how important it is to stand up for themselves when dealing
with cab drivers. They stopped a taxi driver, asking him to take them to
airport.

All along the way they kept threatening the driver, saying, “We’re smart,
mister! Don’t take the longest way to airport or we’ll know!” They
continued to pester him, saying, “We will not pay you anything if you
cheat us, mister, so you’d better be straight with us.”

When they finally arrived at the airport, the driver wanted to avoid
having a hassle with the passengers. Just to be sure he didn’t have any
trouble collecting, he planned on reducing the fare by one-half of his
normal trip rate. He’d already had a long day, and didn’t need the problem.

As the car finally came to a stop after a twenty minute drive to the
airport, the driver said, “O.K. We’ve arrived at the airport, and…”

“What’s your fare, mister?!” the leader interrupted the driver rudely.
“And remember we are smart about you guys,” he reminded the driver one
more time.

“To show you guys how great I am to visitors of our fine city, I am going
to charge you only $10. Normally, I’d charge at least $20.00 for your
trip. Please pay that and we’ll be square.”

“O.K.,” they replied.

One passenger to the other said, “We sure showed him, didn’t we?” as they
paid the driver $10.00 each.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years.

The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.

Landing is the first!

Three truckdrivers died and went to heaven where they met St. Peter at the gates.

St. Peter says, “I have to ask each of you three simple questions before you can enter the gates to paradise.”

So he calls the first driver over and asks his questions. “Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?”

“No.”

“Have you ever done any dope?”

“No.”

“Well have you ever screwed around with other women?”

“No.”

St. Peter points to the left and says, “You stand by that door right over there.”

He calls the second guy over and starts; “Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?”

“No, that’d be bad for my health.”

“Have you ever done any drugs?”

“No sir, that’d be breaking the law.”

“Well have you ever screwed around with any women?” “No way, that’d be breaking one of the ten commandments.”

St. Peter says “Allright, stand by your buddy over there.” and called the third truckdriver over.

He starts, “Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?”

“Well, I tried not to but I’ve always been an alcoholic.”

“Well! Let me ask you this, Have you ever done any drugs?”

“Why hell yea, how do you think I stay awake to run 20 hours a day, you’ve got to roll to make the dough.”

“Well,” St. Peter asks “I’ve got to know, have you ever scewed around with any women?”

“Ooooooooooweeee; maaaan, there’s this dame back in Baltimore that’ll suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!”

St. Peter pointed to the right and says “You stand by that door over there.”

When the driver asks about the other two guys, St. Peter explains “Your buddies are going to hell; but we’re going back to Baltimore!!!”

Edited by Calamjo

You know you’re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!

The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, naval student.

“What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?”

“I’d throw out an anchor, sir.”

“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”

“I’d throw out another anchor, sir.”

“But what if a third storm sprang up forward?”

“I’d throw out another anchor, captain.”

“Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?”

“From the same place you’re getting all your storms, sir.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is
making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and
worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the
mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s
mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to
ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have
found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster
Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably
didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can
will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did.
Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows
back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.
It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to
break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think
it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if its hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10
people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the
highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat
guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how
to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there
isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This
morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the
lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under
the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some
scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to
spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him
any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was
just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are
going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about
anything. We are fine.

Love,
Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

You’re not late.

You just have a, “rescheduled arrival time.”

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, “Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!” Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, “Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.”

A guy gets a phone call late at night.

A voice on the other end asks: “Hey man, do you need a car?”

Guy: “No.”

Next morning he goes outside and his car is gone.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman