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An old man uses his life’s savings to buy a Rolls-Royce.
The salesman explains how the old man has to start the car, warm the car, fill the car and handle the car.
Overwhelmed, the man drives off, and a mile down the road, the car stalls.
A truck pulls up, and a young man gets out to help. He checks under the hood for the old man.
“I found it,” the young man eventually calls out. “Just crap in the carburetor.”
The old man groans, “I have to do that too?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No
one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not
exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining
room skylight.”
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker. “What time does the bar open?” He asks.
“Same time as before… Noon,” Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. “Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?”
The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can
have room service send something up to you.”
“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”
Useful Phrases To Know When Traveling Through Arab Countries:
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN. Thank you for showing me your marvelous
gun.
FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. I am delighted to accept your
kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my
legs apart
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE. I agree with everything you have
ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you
to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYE MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my
genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in
public.
KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and
addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI! Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. The red blindfold would be lovely, your
excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The
water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what
you see.”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars”.
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God
is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?”
Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”
A tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were.
When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.
They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
“WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“ALL RIGHT WE’RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE’RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go… what did happen in Texas?”
The captain turned back and said, “We had to walk home.”
A woman bought two airplane tickets on Southwestern airline, one for her and one for her six-year-old son. This was his very first plane trip.
They were flying along when the little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mommy, if big elephants have little elephants, and big dogs have little dogs, do big airplanes have little airplanes?”
Not wanting to get into the subject of sex with her son, the woman was at a loss as to what to tell him. So, she simply instructed him to ask one of the stewardesses.
A little later, the boy grabbed hold of a stewardess who was passing by his seat. “Miss,” he said, “If big elephants have little elephants, and big dogs have little dogs, do big airplanes have little airplanes?”
Looking suspiciously at the child’s mother, the stewardess said, “I bet she told you to ask me that, didn’t she?”
“Yes,” the little boy replied. “But do they?”
After giving the question a little thought, the stewardess responded, “No, honey, the big airplanes at Southwestern do not have little airplanes, because we always pull out on time.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Support for the Iraq war is at an all-time low, and some Republicans blame the media and its ’24/7 news coverage of car bombs,’ which ‘tends to leave a certain impression.’
You know, that’s so true. You never hear about the cars that DON’T blow up.
-Jon Stewart
A cop pulls a guy over.
“Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?”
“Gee, officer,” the man says. “Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?”
An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.
A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.
Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, ‘I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.’
The police officer said, ‘I didn’t pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.’
‘But the sign says 22.’
The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.
As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.
All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, ‘What’s wrong with them?’
‘Well, we just came off Interstate 134.’
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
After seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”