Yours Fun Portal !
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: “Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.”
“Boobs” the drunk replied.
Submitted by Calamjo
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, “There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.”
The second drunk replies, “Yes, but have you seen how low the hand rail is?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.” When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: “I’ve circled the block for 20 years, and if I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”
“When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch
your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
language. Thank you.”
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number and his address but to no avail.
The cabbie said, “if you don’t have $15, get the hell out of my cab”.
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
‘How much for a ride to the airport?’ he asked.
‘Fifteen bucks,’ came the reply.
‘And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?’
‘What? Get the hell out of my cab you arsehole!’
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
‘How much for a ride to the airport?’
The cabbie replied, ‘Fifteen bucks.’
The businessman said ‘OK’ and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel’s staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way
on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the
Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet
for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
last Monday. Please, let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints
please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension
1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don’t get back before 530 or 6PM. That’s the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was
a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in
my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay.
I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars
of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my
bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don’t know anything
about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not
know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3
daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues
bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in
your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
– On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
– On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
– On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
– Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
– In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
– On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
– On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not
in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more
item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping
in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
The limousine was taking a beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, “Driver, I don’t have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?”
The driver said, “Sure.”
He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn’t get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, “Do you want a screwdriver?”
He said, “Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.He called them into his shop, “I’m sure that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.”And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.”The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies,
‘This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that Native Americans have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill, what’s yours?’
He coolly replies, ‘Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.’
1. In the bathroom make paper airplanes and throw them into
stalls.
2. Say your in Northwest ask the lady at the front desk if this
is Southwest.
3. Whisper quietly but loud enough for someone else to hear
you, “Do you think we should blow up the plane now?”
4. Ask at the front desk if she could call someone up there
named “bea reject.”
5. If your in the back get up every minute and knock on the
bathroom door and say, “Hey you having fun?”
6. Accidentally when you reach for the overhead compartment let
your bag fall out onto someone’s head.
7. Keep telling the steward in a French voice do you have any
Grey Poupon.
8. Pretend to sing along but sing something stupid like “ketchup
and mustard are yummy on bread” or “saggy butt cheeks saggy saggy
butt cheeks.”
9. Halfway through the flight go up to the pilots and say, “I
think I left my coat at the airport could we turn around?”
10. Sit in the back and when people walk by stick your foot out.
11. (bonus) got to the bathroom and stay in there the whole
flight making sex noises.
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”