Category: travel / vacation

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks: “Have you got the time?”

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
“It’s a quarter to six”, he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out…”
And he shows him a time zone display not just for every time
zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a
few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The
time is eleven till six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more
buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues, “I’ve put in regional accents for each city. The
display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
astounding.” The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

“That’s not all…”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and
a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on
the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning”, explains Jake. “View recede ten,” Jake says, and
the display changes to show eastern New York state.

“I want to buy this watch!” Says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the
bugs,” says the inventor. “But look at this,” and he proceeds to
demonstrate. “The watch is also a very creditable little FM
radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper
printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have
32 of my favorites in there so far.” Says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!” Says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”

“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”

“But it’s just not…”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8,500 into materials
and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him.

“Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off
the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute.” Calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been
trying to wrestle through the terminal. “Don’t forget your
batteries.”

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.

He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.

“What’s in the bags?” asked the guard.

“Sand,” the cyclist replied.

“Get them off. We need to take a look.”

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border.

A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags.

The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand.

This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear.

A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.

“Hey, where have you been?” the guard asked. “You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?”

The man smiled and told him the truth. “Bicycles!”

The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly
unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to
gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters’ father, “That, sir,
is some display of teamwork.”

The father replied, “I have a system. No one goes to the
bathroom until the camp is set up.”

You are one of three people on a malfunctioning aeroplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Computer Scientist: You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Mathematician: You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Engineer: You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Psychoanalyst: You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Doctor: You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Lawyer: You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Judge: After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Economist: Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Statistician: You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

IRS auditor: You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Manager: As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Consultant: You tell them not to worry, since it won’t take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Salesperson: You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Advertiser: you do a sexy dance while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Philosopher: You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

Teacher: You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

English major: You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature major: You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Dramatist: You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Modern Painter: You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Auto Mechanic: As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth Avenue bus she found she couldn’t lift her leg.

She reached back and unzipped the zipper. It didn’t seem to do any good, so she reached back and unzipped it again.

Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put her on the top step.

“How dare you?” she demanded.

“Well, lady,” he said, “by the time you unzipped my fly for the second time I thought we were good friends.”

– When the flight attendant asks you if you would like some
peanuts, say, “Whoa! slow down there! we barely know each other!”

– Yell “Fire in the hole!”

– Ring for the flight attendant and then ask “are we there yet?”

– When it’s sleeping time, after a while, see if you can go to
every row and open up the windows.

– Call for an all-out food fight and see if you can get people
to join in.

– When eating, ask the stranger next to you, “Are you gonna eat
that?”

– Before going to the bathroom, ask the flight attendant if the
bathroom is (make up a word) like “is this bathroom
intersaniable?” Or “is this bathroom non malapated?”

– When watching the movie, change the sound channels of the
stranger next to you without him noticing.

– Yell “There’s something on the wing!!!”

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold.

The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs.

Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin’ and a shakin’.

The first flea asked, “What the hell happened to you?”

To which the second flea replied “I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I’m so very coldddd!”

The first flea said, “Don’t you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm”.

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.

The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again.

The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.

About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin’, shakin’, and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed “Didn’t you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?”

To which the second flea replied, “I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm.

Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

A Delta Airlines pilot was badly embarrassed about the a particularly rough landing. He was reluctantly fulfilling company policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited. Nevertheless he stood there and gave each person a smile, and said: ‘Thanks for flying Delta.’He had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, awaiting that inevitable harsh comment on the landing, which by extension would impugn his professional skills and probably his manhood as well. There were fewer smiles than normal, but no comments. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why no M’am,’ said the pilot, ‘what is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we just land or were we shot down?’

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

“But we didn’t use them.” the man complains. “Well, they are
here, and you could have.” explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here.” the manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows.” complains the man
again.

“Well, we have them, and you could have.” the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
“But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,”
he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the mnager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

“Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land, 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! “

“Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, ‘Our Father, which art in heaven…'”

A pilot was flying a 747 full of passengers as a voice cracked
over the radio.

It said, “This is Ground Control. Please divert your course 5
degrees east. Over.”

The pilot was slightly confused and responded, “10-4, but why
should I divert my course?”

The voice answered, “Your plane and another 747 are about to
pass over a major city and we don’t want any excess noise.”

The pilot laughed and said, “I’m 31,000 feet up. What kind of
noise could I cause?”

Ground Control answered, “Have you ever heard the sound that
colliding 747’s make?”