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An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve even put a man on the moon.”
“That’s nothing,” replied the Irishman,” we’re going to put a man on the sun.”
“Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”
“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: “License, registration and proof of insurance please.” Driver: “Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.” Policeman: “Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!” Driver: “Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!” The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man’s head and shoulders.Policeman: “Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
‘Curiosity’
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet.
But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed
that it was occupied.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he
uses the airplane’s new prototype women’s loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were
labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.
The man’s curiousity got the best of him and he started
pressing the buttons one by one.
When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really
have it made.
Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle
breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought
this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.
This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn’t resist the
last button marked ATR.
When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse.
“What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I
was in the new ladies’ room on a plane.”
“Yes,” replied the nurse, “apparently you were having a
great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for
AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow.”
Two tour groups visited England.
They happened to rent a double-decker bus, with one group downstairs and the other upstairs.
The downstairs group was singing and dancing and the group upstairs just sat there.
Finally, one of the downstairs people went upstairs and asked why they weren’t having as much fun.
“It’s easy for you to relax and have fun,” said one of the upstairs guys, “you have a driver.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?” Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.” Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on! Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible. Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Advice for a young pilot, “Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.”
Flying is not dangerous.
Crashing is dangerous.
Most people don’t know that, back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
WHAT?
You expected something educational from me….
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.