Category: travel / vacation

Editor’s note: This joke got an “R” because it is completely politically incorrect. Welcome to the 21st century.——————–A pilot came over the intercom and said, “we are losing altitude and we need to lose some weight on the plane so we are throwing all of your luggage off.” So the flight attendants threw all of the luggage off of the plane. About 15 minutes later the pilot came back on the intercom and said, “we still are losing altitude so we have to get rid of more weight on the plane. We are going to throw people off in alphabetical order according to race.” A minute later the pilot said, “ok will all of the Asians please jump out of the plane” Two people got up and jumped. The pilot then said, “ok will all of the Blacks jump off now.” About 7 or 8 blacks got up and jumped except one, a mother and her son. The little boy looks up at his mom and said, “Momma I thought you said we were black?” His mother looked down at him and smiled, “We’re niggaz today, honey!”

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.

“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

One day a red head, a burgandy, and a blonde went for a hike.
When they were already to start hiking the burgandy said “Did
you gals bring anything because I brought food incase we get
hungry?” Then the red head said “I brought water in case we get
thristy!” Then the blonde said ” Well I brought a door from a
car. If we get hot we can roll down the windows!”

A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”Father replies, :”O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make certain the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.”

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’ve got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I’ll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, “Paint on sale from $10 a liter” signs?
Clerk: Well that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir.

Customer: You’re insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. “I can’t seem to get my car started,” Lisa said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

A man goes to hell and is very upset and is crying.
The devil approaches him and says that hell is not such a bad
place
” Hell’s ok” And the devil says “When you were alive did you
like women?”
The man replies “Loved them, they are great!”
“Well, you are going to love Monday’s, you can have any women
and as many as you like” says the devil.
“What about drinking, alchol?” says the devil.
“Well, I had my own home brew and drinking was my hobby” says
the man.
“Tuesday, all the alchol you can have and of any sort” says the
devil.
“Now what about drugs?” says the devil.
“I dabbled in drugs at college.” says the man.
“Wednesday all the drugs you want.” says the devil.
“Now what about men? Did you, you know, like men?” says the
devil.
“Absolutely not, no way!” says the man.
“Well your going to hate Thursday then!” says the devil.

1. Swing from the metal railings on the ceiling, singing, “I’m a
monkey! Ooga Ooga!” If there are people with groceries, steal
their bananas.

2. When someone sits down next to you, take out your cell phone
and start saying ominous things like, “I found the bomb. It’s on
this bus.” or, “I’m surrounded. Send in the artillery.”

3. Go up to one of the other passengers and say, “I know all
about what you’ve done. We’ve been tracking you for a long
time.” See if you can get them to confess anything.

4. When someone sits next to you, strike up an argument with
yourself. Escalate the argument, and finally start punching
yourself in the head. See how long it takes them to leave.

5. Every 5 minutes scream “WE’RE GONNA CRASH! TAKE COVER!” and
hide under a seat. When the bus keeps going, peek out and
whisper, “It’s magic!!”

6. Stand in the middle of the aisle, stare at the little lights
on the ceiling, and say, “I have seen the light, Obi-wan.”

7. Keep looking at the bottom of your shoes and saying, “Ewwww,
gross.”

8. Lift up the seat cushions and say, “How are you doing, little
guys?”

9. Save seats for imaginary friends.

10. Stand in the front of the bus and announce, “I am the knight
who says… NEE!!” Say “nee” to all the passengers and ask them
for shrubberies.

11. Go up to someone, poke them, say, “You’re it!” and start
scurrying around.

12. When someone sits next to you, poke them repeatedly, saying,
“Poke!” loudly each time, and see what their reaction is.

13. When boarding the bus, ask the bus driver, “Can my pet tree
come too?”

14. Wear a backpack and whine, “But mommy, I don’t WANNA go to
school!”

15. Eat invisible food, making obnoxious smacking noises. When
the bus driver says no food allowed, hold it behind your back
and whistle.

16. Ask everyone on the bus “Have you seen my (insert small
furry rodent/insect/huge dangerous animal)?”

(These also work on the train)

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. ‘Good lord!’ he screamed, ‘one of the engines just blew up!’ Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. ‘Say,’ spoke up an alert passenger, ‘aren’t those parachutes?’ The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, ‘But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?’ ‘There isn’t,’ replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. ‘We’re going to get help.’

This retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school.

The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. “Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver” he says in a slurred voice.

Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again.

The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door.

In a slurred voice the boy says ,”Hello Mr Busdriver!” To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.

The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were majorly pissed off.

The next morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver.

The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks, “My boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?”

The bus driver says in a slurred voice, “He keeps making fun of me!”

A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean.

What happened to the crew?

They were marooned.