Category: travel / vacation

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.

The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax…

OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier while I was talking to you.

The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach yelled, “You should see the back of mine.”

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot
on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the
brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping
speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on
the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse,
brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on
the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver
with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible
emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a
careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to
come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other
motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a
car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West
Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who
is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the fair every year and every year Stumpy would say,
‘Martha, I’d like to ride in that there aeroplane.’

And every year Martha would say,
‘I know Stumpy, but that aeroplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.’

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
‘Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.

Martha replied
‘Stumpy that aeroplane costs $10 and $10 is $10

The pilot overheard them and said
‘Folks. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s $10.�

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns’ rolls and dives’ but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy,
‘By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.’

Stumpy replied,
‘Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out but $10 is $10.’

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time.
He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a
whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the
local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track
and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already
packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone
out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting
next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his
hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood
up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man
sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for
the Lord’s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the
preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat
there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements.
People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He
was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some
words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him
stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the
entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and
saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking
the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit
stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said,
in English: “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied: “No I don’t. It’s that obvious?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta
family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please
stand up.”

There were two guys who needed a place to stay, so they came to
a farmer’s house. The farmer agreed to let them stay as long as
they didn’t eat his vegetables and fruits. During the night, the
men got hungry and decided to sneak out anyway and get a bite to
eat from his garden. In the morning, the farmer knew what they
had done.
“I’ll punish you,” he promised. “Now, both of you go get
one hundred of your favorite fruit or vegetable out of the
garden and then come back.” One of the men came back first, and
he had picked one hundred grapes. Then the farmer told him,”OK,
now shove one up your nose.” The man did. “Now another.” The man
started to protest, but the farmer pulled out a gun. “Put it
up!!” shouted the farmer. The man did, and then chuckled to
himself. “ANOTHER!” the man chuckled, and then did again. After
about five miniutes of this, the farmer had it. “Why are you
laughing?” he asked. The guy replied, “Man, my buddy’s out there
picking watermelons!”

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, “what’s the problem officer?”To which the policeman responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you.” Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and said with a very loud voice, “I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going.”The man then turned to his wife and yelled “Shut up stupid!” The policeman continued, “And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30.” His wife then leaned forward again and squawked “I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me.”And again the man shouted at his wife “Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!”The policeman then looked at the woman and said “does he always talk to you this way?”To which the woman responed, “Only when he has been drinking.”

Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “What’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”

“Well,” the other responded, “When I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get of the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”Picture this ….. all the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

A guy in Paris nearly got away with several paintings from The Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I has no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Two men were driving down a city street, as they approach a red stop light, the man driving speeds up and drives through a red light.

Shocked, the passenger yells, “What are you doing!”

The driver just responds in a casual tone, “That’s the way my brother drives.”

As they continue down the street, they again came upon another red stop light and again the drive speeds through the intersection.

Again the passenger yells, “What are you doing!”

The driver says, “That’s the way my brother drives”.

Not too long after that, they came upon a green light.

The driver quickly slams on his breaks and comes to a complete stop just before the intersection.

The angry passenger screams, “It’s a green light!”

The driver says, “Yes, but my brother might be coming the other way!”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.

Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.

If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”