Category: travel / vacation

HALIFAX TO GANDER
12 DAYS – 4 NIGHTS
JAN. 21 – FEB. 30
Itinerary

1st Day: Leave Halifax International Airport 4:35am. All passengers
travel first class aboard Air Newf’s Uni-Engine Jumbo Jet.
2nd day: In Air
3rd day: In Air
4th day: In Air
5th day: Arrive Gander 9:00pm and on to Gander Curling Club, 3rd floor,
basement annex for box dinner of clam chowder and soda crackers.
6th day: After breakfast, complete city tour of gander, 9:30am-9:30am.
Free time for shop lifting followed by a fabulous 9-course meal
consisting of: Rabbit Soup, One Seal Flipper Pie, Cod Bits and a
Six-pack.
7th day: Tour of countryside in the comfort of a U.S. war surplus Jeep
left behind after the historical American evacuation.
8th day: Back to town for a tour of the new Civic Library. Everyone will
get to see the book.
9th day: Board waiting Jumbo Jet to the Mainland. Only three quick stops
(two for fuel and one for directions.)
10th day: In Air
11th day: In Air
12th day: Arrive Halifax between 10:00am and Midnight, depending on
weather conditions and fuel supply.

ONLY $49.50 per couple.

* Includes transportation, meals, drugs, tours, transfers, hotel, first
aid and parachute (opens on impact) *

The only time you have too much fuel in a plane is when you’re on fire.

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ’em all?”

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Glaci

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said. “Those are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?”

“Them flies that circle a horse’s ass,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” The trooper angrily asked.

“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the heck,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.” The man thought for a moment and said… “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!”

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking
guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls
asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He
knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting
there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it
in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and
sees the vomit all over him.

“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldn’t move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.

She tried to step up again, and still couldn’t, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper.

She tried to climb the steps again…still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up and placed her on the top step.

“What do you think you’re doing?”, she asked the guy behind her.

“Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!”

* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo”* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is “Die American Pig”

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

She replied, “Yes or No.”

Customer: How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, it depends on a number of things.

Customer: Well, what is your average price for a gallon of paint?

Clerk: Wow-that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon,
but we have 150 different prices ranging up to $200 per gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

Clerk: There isn’t any difference. It’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of the $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, before I sell you that paint, you need to answer a few
questions. First, when do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Well, if you want to use the paint tomorrow, I can only sell you
the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 paint?

Clerk: To get the $9 paint, you would have to use it three weeks from
now, and you have to start painting on a Friday and continue to paint until
Sunday night.

Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Please wait while I check to see
if we have any $9 paint.

Customer: There’s some on the shelf right there-I can see it!

Clerk: That’s the same paint all right but we can sell only a certain
number of gallons for the weekend that you want to paint. Ooops-the price
just went up to $17 a gallon.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times
a day, and since you haven’t actually left the store with your paint yet,
we just decided to raise the price. Unless you want the same thing to
happen again, I suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons
do you want?

Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons, no, make it six
gallons so I’m sure I have enough.

Clerk: If you don’t use all the paint, you’ll be penalized.

Customer: But if I’ve already paid for the paint, what does it matter if
I don’t use all of it?

Clerk: That’s just the way it is, sir.

Customer: Well, that does it! I’m going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: Good luck, sir. All of our competitors have similar rules. You’d
better just buy your paint here, while our lowest price is still $28 a
gallon.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire.

He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown