Category: travel / vacation

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!” This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

For those of us who travel regularly this conversation should sound familiar:Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?HG: Uh… yes. I’d like some bacon and eggs.RS: Ow July then?HG: What?RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch…?HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?HG: Crisp will be fine.RS: Okay. An Santos?HG: What?RS: Santos. July Santos?HG: Ugh. I don’t know… I don’t think so.RS: No. Judo one toes?HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means. I’m sorry.RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?HG: English muffin! I’ve got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.RS: We bother?HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.RS: Wad?HG: I’m sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.RS: Copy?HG: I feel terrible about this but…RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill…HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that’s all.RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?HG: Whatever you say.RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud.HG: You’re welcome.

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”

The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sat back down.

From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again.”

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind.

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life!” Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.”

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!”

Submitted by Curtis

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.”

Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”

The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that jerk would’ve tried that shit with me.'”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

What did the stewardess say to the flasher?

I asked you for your ticket, not your stub.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
‘There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,’ he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160… before the reality of the situation hit him.

‘What the hell am I doing?’ he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

‘It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.’

The guy thinks for a second and says.
‘Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.’

‘Have a nice weekend.’ said the officer.

Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone.

“Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?” the voice commanded.

“Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson’s command Jeep, sir.”

“Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?”

“No, sir.”

“This is Major Johnson, your commander!”

“Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?”

“No, I do not!”

“That’s good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!”

My friend and I used to joke about all that could happen wrong
when we traveled together.

1) I fart and the oxagen masks fly down

2) I fart and burn a whole through the plane and we have to land

3) I have to go to the restroom so bad and someone is in it so I
lift my leg on the door

4) I ride underneath the plane with the luggage

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and Mr.
Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “one of
the engines just blew up!” Other passengers left their seats and
came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second
blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight
attendants couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and
smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and
assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His
words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers
feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the
door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from
under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “aren’t those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought
you said there was nothing to worry about.”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
“We’re going to get help.”

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place….

The man says “What’s the problem officer?”

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: “Shut your damn mouth!”

Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

Wife says: “No, only when he’s drunk.”