Category: travel / vacation

The Chrysler Building in New York City is 75 years old.

That makes it nearly as old as the average Chrysler customer.

-Jim Barach

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ’em all?”

Pilot to tower… pilot to tower… I am 300 miles from land… 600 feet over water… and running out of fuel… please instruct!Tower to pilot… tower to pilot… repeat after me: “Our Father, which art in heaven…”

A North Dakotan went to New York on a buisness trip. When the trip was
over, he took a taxi cab to get to the airport. The cab driver heard how
the intelligance of the North Dakotans lacks, so, he turned to the North
Dakotan and said “My mother had 3 kids, one was my brother, one was my
sister, who was the 3rd?” the North Dakotan had no idea. “You Idiot! The
3rd one was ME!” The North Dakotan went home to his wife and kissed her.
“Hey, honey!” said the North Dakotan. His wife responded saying “What?”
The North Dakotan said “My mother had 3 kids, one was my brother, one was
my sister, who was the 3rd one?” His wife was stumped “I don’t know, Who?”
the North Dakotan responded saying “Some cab driver in New York.”

The nice thing about airlines’ in-flight meals is that there’s no confusion about the quality of the food.

The best and the worst tastes exactly the same.

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?””We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!””TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?””We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.””That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?””We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.””That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.”It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!””Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.””Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.””Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?

Aman and his wife were driving their car across the country and were
nearing a town in Florida spelled Kissame. They noted the strange spelling
and tried to figure out how to pronounce it. So they went to a fast food
place and orderd two hamburgers, and the wife asked, “What is the name of
this place? And say it very slowly so I can understand it?” The casheer
replied, “Buuuuuurrrrrrrrggggeeerrrrr Kiiiiinnnnnnggggggg.”

Everyone knows a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away.

But a ‘great’ landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

An airstewardess was attending to passengers on an aircraft one day when a
lady approached her looking very angry.
“Excuse me,” said the lady, “but I would like to make a complaint!”
“Yes maam?” the stewardess replied.
“I was taking a nap just now when i felt somebody tugging at my panties
and touching my pussy. Tried as i might but I still couldn’t find the
culprit !”.

The stewardess thought that the lady was trying to play a prank and didn’t
take her seriously. Nevertheless, she told the lady that she would look
into the matter straight away.

As she continued serving the passengers, another woman approached her with
the same story. Perplexed, she decided to investigate.
While making her way to the back of the aircraft, she chanced upon an old
man crawling on the floor as though searching for something.
“Excuse me, sir, can I help you?”, she said.
” Yes please, my dear lady”, he replied. “You see, I am blind, and as luck
would have it, I seemed to have lost my tupee. Could you help me find it?”
“What kind of a tupee, sir?”

“Well, it’s kind of small and parted at the side. Twice I thought I had
found it but those were parted at the center.”

I’m not sure if my local gas station owner is being a good business person or just trying to maximize his exploiting of the price of gasoline. His full service line now includes a drive up window to a loan officer.

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Joe, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the
cockpit, Now it’s the ‘box office’.”

Submitted by Gravedigger
Edited by Curtis

A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken.

He says to the last hotel clerk, “You’ve gotta have a room somewhere. Or just a bed, please, I’m really beat.”

The clerk says, “Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I’m sure he’d be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in the adjoining rooms have been complaining all week.”

The guy says, “No problem, I’ll take it.” The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

The manager says, “How’d you sleep with him snoring?”

The guy says, “I shut him up quick.”

The manager says, “How’d you do that?”

The guy says, “He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Good night, beautiful.’

And he sat up and watched me all night.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent