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Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:
Helicopter Pilot: “Tower, I’m holding at 3000 feet over Heli-pad 1.”
Second voice: “NO! You can’t be doing that! I’m holding at 3000 over that pad!”
There was a brief moment of silence.
First voice again: “You idiot! You’re my co-pilot!”
Submitted by
Edited by calamjo and yisman
A truck driver was pulled over by a state trooper.
The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, “Did I just see you swallow something?”
“Yep, that was my birth control pill,” said the driver.
“Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman.
“Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Takeoff’s are optional.
Landings are mandatory.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
Tampa.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”
The engineer said, “No, that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”
The programmer said, “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
There was a man, woman and gay in a train and the train went
into a tunnel. As it is an old fashioned train, there were no
lights so it went pitch black. Then there was a kissing sound
and a slapping sound. When the lights came back on, the man and
woman were sitting like nothing had happened and the gay was
rubbing his cheek like he had been slapped. The gay thought that
the man kissed the woman and the woman slapped him but missed
and hit him. The woman thought the gay tried to kiss the man so
the man slapped the gay and the man thought, “This is great!
Next time we go under a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing sound
and slap the gay!”
One day a policeman, a ninja, and a terrorist were on a plane.
The policeman threw his gun out the window for good luck. The
nija threw his sword out the window for good luck. The terrorist
threw a bomb out the window for good luck.
Later, the policeman saw two little girls crying. He walked over
to them and said, why are you crying. One girl replied, “Some
idiot threw his gun out the window and it shot our father.”
The ninja saw two boys crying. He asked,”Why are you crying?”
The little boys said, “Some idiot threw a sword out the window
and cut our daddy in half.”
The terrorist saw a little girl laughing histerically. He said,
“What’s so funny?” The little girl replied, “My dad farted and
the neighbor’s house blew up!”
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father. “Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”
During the “rush hour” at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, “We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.”
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, A lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee… “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.” “
Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”
“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. And the last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to Have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!”
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault… it was the asphalt!”
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant Came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
Jesus loves you…. Everyone else thinks you’re an ass.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Hang up and drive!
GUYS, no shirt, no service, GALS, no shirt, no charge.
Heart attacks, God’s revenge for eating his animal friends.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Try not to let your mind wonder, Its too small to be out by
itself.
The proctologist called, the found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have any
film.
Some people just don’t know how to drive, I call these people,
“EVERYBODY BUT ME!”
Don’t like my driving, Then quit watching me.
Just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
Hows My Driving? 1-800-EAT-SHIT
Eight things not to say to a cop
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin’ at least 120 mph to keep up with me…Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
6. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Bad cop! No donut!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis