Category: travel / vacation

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. “I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.” Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

A highway patrolman pulls over a driver who’s zigzagging his way across the road at 100 m.p.h.

“Sir, have you been drinking tonight?” the cop asks.

“What makes you say that officer?” the motorist replies. “Is there a fat chick in my car?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

“I’ve got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?”

“I should let you know first that I am a policeman.”

“That’s OK. I’ll tell it really slow!”

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo

In my own words: “I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like ‘what the heck?’ (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn’t forget. I’ve left out a few parts I’m sure, but this is most of it.”

Before takeoff…
“Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you’re going to Portland, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to Portland, you’re about to have a really long evening.”

“We’d like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is…The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.”

“There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane’s rear end. If you’re seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.”

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won’t inflate, but there’s oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.”

“In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.”

“Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it’s a pulley thing — not a pushy thing like your car because you’re in an airplane — HELLOOO!!”

“There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.

We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight…hold on, let me check what it is…Oh here it is; the movie tonight is ‘Gone with the Wind.’ “

“In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it’s going to get really dark, really fast. If you’re afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to.
The orange button is your seat ejection button.”

“We’re glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“If you all weren’t strapped down you would have given me! a standing ovation, wouldn’t you?”

After landing…
“Welcome to the Portland International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the copilot’s fault. It’s the asphalt.”

“Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don’t even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because ‘shift happens’.”

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

�Ma�am, I�m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning,� the policeman says. �You have a broken reflector on your buggy.�

�I�ll tell my husband as soon as I get home,� the Amish woman replies.

�Also,� continues the officer, �one of your reins is looped around the horse�s balls. That�s animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that too!�

So the lady goes home and tells her husband about her encounter. �Well, dear, what exactly did the officer say?� the Amish man asks.

�He said the reflector is broken.�

�I can fix that in two minutes. What else?�

�I�m not sure . . . something about the emergency brake.�

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

You know your in trouble when the tower say’s, “Climb like your life depends on it…because it does.”

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”.The dude replies “A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.””That’s a lotta money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?””Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly.The old man asks “Can I take a look inside?””Sure” replies the owner.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, alright!”Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!The guy wonders “what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn’t be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”The old man replies “yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!”

One day there was a newly wed couple driving down the highway. Two truck
drivers were also driving down that same highway. The passenger in the
truck said “I have to take a shit!” “We’re not stopping!” said the driver.
“Stick your ass out the window and shit.” So the man did, but the driver
rolled the window up and squeezed his butt-cheeks together! Then the
newlywed couple drove by and the woman said, “honey, look at the big cigar
that guy’s smoking!”

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

“I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.”

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

“I’ve circled the block for 20 years, and if I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job… Lead us not into temptation.”

Why do they have a rear window defroster on the Yugo?

So your hands stay warm while you’re pushing it.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said: “Sorry Pops, but you’ve got to be young and smart to do that.”

The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap.

“Sorry son, you’ve got to be old and rich to do that!”