Category: travel / vacation

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer, “Didn’t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?”

The farmer replied, “No, I didn’t knowed that.”

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, “To Memphis”.

The cop said, “I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.”

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said “I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis” and to this the farmer replied “I did and we had so much fun, I’m taking him to the circus.”

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do.

They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.

Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes.

Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, “Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?”

Bob replied, “I wish I hadn’t, but I just can’t help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can’t eat just one potato ship.”

Submitted by Muffin_007
Edited by Curtis

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”.

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.

One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.

“Easy,” was the reply. “Tonight was my turn to be the decoy”

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section.

A flight attendant realizes the blonde’s mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won’t move.

She says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won’t move.

She says again, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde’s ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, “Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine

Martha Stewart’s time behind bars is starting to bear fruit.

The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn’t clash with the color of his getaway car.

10.) “We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start
at twenty dollars.”

9.) “I’m sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat
on board. We don’t yet know the effects of high radiation on our
feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.”

8.) “Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage
and no, you don’t want to know it’s origin. I recommend you
refrain from opening your suitcase.”

7.) “Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the
security officer had to confiscate them. What? He’s smoking
them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!”

6.) “I’m sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover
punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No it
also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions
prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased
package.”

5.) “Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been
delayed.”

4.) “Due to fog at O’Hare we would like to ask all terrorists to
refrain from detonating their bombs until the second half of our
flight at which point we will light up the detonation light.
This is to allow us sufficient time to crash into the ground as
scheduled.”

3.) “Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting.”

2.) “We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating
circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his
sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have
additional shots of tequila.”

1.) “This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now
observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar … oh, SHIT!” I am

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

“There’s a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he’s kicking and squealing so much I can’t get him free” he said.

“Okay,” said the boss. “In the back of the ‘cruiser there’s a pistol. Put it up to the pig’s head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you’ll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush.”

About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, “I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can’t go on.”

“Why not?” Asked the boss. “What’s the problem?”

“Well it’s his motorbike … the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

‘Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it’s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it’s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y’all wanna go there I really don’t know.’ Pilot – ‘Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.’ Pilot – ‘Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can’t get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day.’ And, after landing: ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’ An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a, ‘Thanks for flying XYZ airline.’ He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why no M’am,’ said the pilot, ‘what is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’ Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please, remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’ Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with me too!”, he said to the other man. “But sir, I have a wife with six children!” The second man answered. “Bring them as well!” They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The rich man replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!”

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. “This temple is 1503 years old”, replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. “Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago”

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

“But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for kissing my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”