Yours Fun Portal !
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically put his arm out of the window.
Well she couldn’t stand it any longer, so she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear.
“Young man, you keep both hands on the wheel….. I’ll tell you when its raining!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A man had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.
The man was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store advertising the following:
WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
The man looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him,” What can I do for you?”.
“Well, sir,” the man replies, ” I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.”
The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.”
“O.K. Let’s do it.”
The vendor says,” Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.”
While the man is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.
“Stand back,” he cautions the traveler.
The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s balls.
The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hell.
“Wow!,” said the man,”That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?”
The vendor says with a smile,”Please step onto the platform, sir.”
There was a French man, a German man and an American man. They
were all travelling together on a far off island looking for
treasure. They soon ran into a group of canibals who wished to
eat them. The leader spoke up and said:
“Here, you may kill yourselves with a weapon of your choice,
then we shall eat you and save your skins to make our canoes.”
The French man said “Here’s to all the wine in Bordeaux, from my
wonderful country,” then he shot himself in the head.
The German man said “Here’s to all the beautiful women in my
beloved country,” then he stabed himself through the heart.
The American said “Here’s so that you can’t make me into a
canoe,” then he stabbed himself several times all over his body
with a fork.
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”
During the ‘rush hour’ at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement,’We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.’A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘wrong plane.’
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!
The prime minister of Vietnam met with President Bush at the White House.
As you know, Vietnam is a communist country so there is no democracy, there is no freedom, but don’t worry, there is no oil either so we won’t be going back.
-Jay Leno
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
“The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.”
“Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?”
“No,” said Bob, “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off.”
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place…
Man: ‘What’s the problem officer?’
Officer: ‘You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone.’
Man: ‘No sir. I was going 65. ‘
Wife: ‘Oh. Harry. You were going 80. ‘
The man gives the wife a dirty look.
Officer: ‘I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. ‘
Man: ‘Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!’
Wife: ‘Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.’
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: ‘I’m also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.’
Man: ‘Oh, I just look it off when you were walking up to the car’
Wife: ‘Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.’
Man: ‘Shut your big bloody mouth, OK!’
Officer: ‘Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time.’
Wife: ‘No, only when he’s drunk.’
Paddy went to a riding stable and hired a horse.
“Hold on for a moment,” said the assistant as he helped him on to the horse, “aren’t you putting the saddle on backwards?”
“Why, you don’t even know which way I want to go!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. “Yes?” “Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?” “8:25!” The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!.”
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight.
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light’em, you can smoke ’em.”