Category: travel / vacation

An old Montana rancher hates wearing his seat belt.

One day, he’s driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state trooper behind him.

He says to his wife, “Quick, take the wheel! I’ve got to put my seat belt on!”

She does, and right then, the trooper pulls them over.

He walks up to the car and says to the rancher, �Say, I noticed you weren�t wearing your seat belt.�

The rancher says, “I was, but you don’t have to take my word for it. My wife is a good Christian, ask her. She’ll tell you the truth. She doesn’t lie about anything.”

So the cop asks the wife.

The wife says, “I’ve been married to Buck for 20 years, officer, and one thing I’ve learned in all that time is this: You never argue with him when he’s drunk.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate

A little boy and his mother was on an airplane when he asked her
the question. Mom why do big elephants have little elephants,
big giraff have litle giraff and big planes don’t have little
planes? The mother answered ” well son I’m sorry but I don’t
have an answer for that, why don’t you ask the stewardess.

As the stewardess was walking by the little boy said,”excuse me
Ms.Stewardess, why do big elephants have little elephants, big
giraff have little giraff but big planes don’t have little
planes? The stweardess then said,”I’m sorry son I can’t answer
that let me tke you to the captain maybe he can answer that.

So the little boy went to the cockpit and asked the pilot,’
Excuse me Mr.Pilot, why do big elephants have little elephants,
big giraff have litle giraff but big planes don’t have little
planes? So the pilot answered and said to the little boy,” SON
YOU’RE FLYING DELTA AND WE ALWAYS PULL OUT ON TIME.”

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.

The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a large tip if he can deliver her to her destination in a hurry.

However, she is horrified at the cruel whipping the driver is giving the horse to make him go faster.

“My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse along?” she asks.

“Yessum,” the cab driver cheerfully replies, “but, I’ve got to save his balls for the hill!”

The Boy Who Wanted to Be a Truck Driver

One day, a little boy goes into the candy shop and orders five pounds of “m-n-m’s”,.

The lady at the counter asked him “Don’t you mean five bags?”

He said “No, i want five pounds.”

She was reluctant, but measured them out, put them in a bag and handed them to the little boy. He paid for them, and went outside and sat on the curb.

He ate a few m-n-m’s, and a cat walks by.

He picks up the cat and takes a big bite out of it.

He moves a little further down the curb, and does it all over again.

After the little boy did this about 15-20 times, the lady in the candy store starts to wonder.

She goes outside and asks the little boy “What in the hell are you doing?”

The little boy gives her this answer “I am learning how to be a truck driver like my daddy. I’m popping pills, eating pussy, and moving’ down the line.”

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it
looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window
or sunroof. Feel free to make itdance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back,offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out
the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually…slow down…to a stop. Then get
out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

1. “The union president called – he said the pilots’ strike starts
IMMEDIATELY.”

2. “We’ll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get
there.”

3. “My name is Forrest Gump – people call me Forrest Gump.”

4. “Hey, Jim, do you remember where we’re going?”

5. “Buckle your seat belt – I’m going to try something I saw in a
cartoon.”

6. “Bye, bye, Miss American Pie…”

7. “Wow, we’re sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second
engine!”

8. “Only 500 more flight hours, and I’ll get my license!”

9. “They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?”

10. “TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!”

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train.Patient: What happened?Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well… The bad news first…Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise.

The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, “Great, I’ll take it!”! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, I’m not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?”

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”

“Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”

“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector.

“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, “Do you really like this job?”

“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replied the collector. “what do you do for a living?” he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

“A what?” asked the collector.

“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asked.

“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asked.

“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?”

“How big do I stretch them?” Jack interupted. “Most of them, not too big,” He continued, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”

“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David’s head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman