Category: top lists

Christian Coalition-Approved Nicknames for Breasts – Mounds of Shame – Democrat Catchers – Pastor Baiters – Heavenly Canteens – Pearly Weights – Communion Woofers – Hooteronomies – Sweater Undulations – Beelzeboobs – Racks of lambs of God – Pamela 36:D – The Daughters of Lactiticus – Pizza Pizza – First and Second Mammalonians – NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)

The Cat in the BlenderHerbert the Pervert Likes SherbertFox in DetoxWho Shat in the Hat?Horton Hires a HoThe Flesh-Eating LoraxHow the Grinch Stole Columbus DayYour Colon Can Moo—Can You?Zippy the Rabid GerbilOne Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue BitchMarvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!Are You My Proctologist?Yentl the LentilMy Pocket Rocket Needs A SocketAunts in My PantsOh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!Horton Fakes an OrgasmThe Grinch’s Ten InchesGreen Cheese & SpamWho Flung Goo on Betty Sue?Come On I Wanna Lay YaRussell the One-Eyed Love MusclePlease Cane Us in the AnusBlow Blow Til You See it GrowFeel It, Find It, Pick It, Flick ItHorton Hears His Neighbors In Bed

14> Pete Rose — “Wanna bet?”

13> Martha Stewart — “D’oh!”

12> Carmen Electra — “Twenty bucks, same as in town.”

11> Jessica Simpson — “Huh?”

10> Howard Dean — “YEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

9> Jennifer Lopez — “Okay, but I’m keeping the ring.”

8> Al Gore — “I demand a recount!”

7> R. Kelly — “Not guilty, Your Honor.”

6> Bobby Brown — “I get the top bunk.”

5> Courtney Love — “Does this look infected?”

4> Carson Daly — “Heh, heh. Check the list again — I’m sure I’m on it.”

3> Heidi Fleiss — “Make it out to ‘cash.'”

2> Bob Costas — “Down here.”

1> Vanilla Ice — “Please pull around to the second window.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

10. You’re lined up before opening at the gas station convenience store just in case they have unadvertised Furbies.

9. Common thread among your 17 murder victims this week? All were previous Furby owners.

8. You hit the line, bounced left, but couldn’t see daylight, ran up the back of the guy in front of you, juked again, spun right and then, with a final stiff arm to Mrs. Edna P. Wilson, snagged the last Furby!

7. You’ve upped your Furby offer to “$10,000, plus an hour with my wife.”

6. Your kid’s jokes about wanting the new “Tickle-Me Cabbage Furby” results in a little visit to the ER for some defibrillation.

5. Santa is pressing charges after you decided to search his pants for hidden Furbies.

4. Looks like little Susie will get her Furby after all, and little Johnny will be pretty happy with the 3 human hands still clutching the Furby box.

3. Thanks to a copious supply of back hair, you were able to successfully strip naked in the aisle and get in on some of that Furby paw-and-grab action.

2. In a smoky bunker lit by a single bulb, you pore over Toys ‘R’ Us blueprints in preparation for the next Furby shipment.

1. In a crazed effort to please your 4-year-old, you’ve brought home more dead rodents than your cat.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

15. Weather Channel temporarily passes Knitting Channel in ratings.

14. During concert, Hanson breaks out into a raucous version of “mmmGuantanamera.”

13. Tori Spelling, confused by lack of sunshine, goes into hibernation.

12. Unusually high tides in silicon implants responsible for delaying production of Barb Wire 2.

11. Jacko gets a “Woodrow”, if you know what I mean. (Oops! Wrong kind of El Nino.)

10. Instead of flying south, Canadian geese just cross the border to shop.

9. Home Shopping Network’s ratings plummet as trailer park residents nationwide seek higher ground.

8. Increased moisture in air means William Shatner needs less SuperGlue to hold his hair down.

7. In a first for a weather pattern, El Nino signs with Nike for a cool 36 million.

6. Groundhog comes out of his hole on Feb. 2 and — ZAP — the only thing left of his hairy little butt is the smell of burnt fur and ozone.

5. Matt Lauer responds to everything Katie Couric says with a booming “Claro Que Si!”

4. Minor changes in Earth’s magnetic field allow Jennifer Aniston to complete a thought.

3. Rash of “muskrat” sightings in Vegas turns out to be thousands of toupees floating in from Hollywood.

2. Confused British nannies begin swinging babies counter-clockwise instead of clockwise.

1. “Ten inches and rising” now refers to flood waters.

1.Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2.Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3.Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.

4.Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5.At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”

6.Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7.Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

8.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen…

9….but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”.

10.Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.

11.Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12.Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”

13.Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14.Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15.Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16.Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17.If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18.Sprint up the down escalator.

19.Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.

20.Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.

21.Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22.Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23.At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.

24.Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25.Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26.Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

27.Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28.Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29.In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France…”

30.Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31.Play the tuba for change.

32.Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play “Jesus Built My Hotrod”.

33.Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34.Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz”.

35.Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have “any giant crap made out of straw”.

36.”Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37.Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38.Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39.Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40.Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flattop!”

41.Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.

42.”Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43.Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44.Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.

45.If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

46.Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”

47.Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48.At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49.Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”

50.Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; “7” was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. “UP” indicated the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, CocaCola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs… but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.”

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California ***with gun in lap***: L.A. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida ‘seasoned citizen’ driver, also known as ‘no-see-um’

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

16> Come for the Squalor, Stay for the Stonings! 15> We Put the Host in Hostage 14> Okay, What If We *Were* the Last Place on Earth? Huh? What THEN, Smart Boy?!? 13> Come Join the Search for Our Weapons of Mass Destruction! 12> As Seen on the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week 11> Genital Mutilation — With a Smile! 10> So Much Fun, We Can’t Even Get Your Soldiers to Leave! 9> Why Pay Exorbitant Spa Prices? Try Our Montezuma Weight-Loss Plan! 8> Cannibalism, Schmannibalism 7> For Your Convenience, Our Syphilitic, Toothless, Mentally Unstable Prostitutes Now Accept Visa! 6> Hey, Disneyland’s Not the Only Place in the World With Giant Rodents 5> Become Nebraska’s 1000th Tourist and We’ll Put You on Our State Quarter! 4> That Smell? Why, It’s Old-World Charm!! 3> Yes, That’s Dog in the Stew, But It’s *Free Range* Dog 2> Our Customs Officers Have Small, Girlish Hands 1> Ethnically Cleansed for Your Protection [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]