Category: top lists

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. You find a lemon slice in the dog’s water bowl.

8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace’, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter “where” you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. “

Similarity between male organ and shaving gel can:Shaving gel can: Warning: contents under pressure. Do not puncture or incinerate. Do not store At temperature above 120 degrees f as container may burst. Avoid extreme Cold. Use only as directed. Keep out of reach of children.Guys thing: Warning contents under pressure. Do not puncture or cut off!!!!! Do not store At temperature above 98.6 degrees f as container may have trouble bursting. Avoid extreme cold. Use only as directed. No jailbait allowed.

1.) All women are size 6 or smaller.

2.) There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters).

5.) No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits.

6.) All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.

7.) Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Paresi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast).

8.) In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons.

9.) In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes.

10.) You don’t need to be legally sane to practice medicine.

11.) You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you.

12.) If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage.

13.) When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length.

14.) When the highlight of your week is the “scenes for next week”, it’s time to go out and get a life.

– You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor’s office.

– You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body.

– Once you sleep with one sibling, you’ll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian guy/Sydney/Jane).

– If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often.

– You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital.

– Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again.

– A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not by therapy, but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue.

– There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles.

– Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleaching it.

And the most important lesson:

– Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television.

21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at “88”.

19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.

17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with “w”.

16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

15: Captain’s chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along eitherside become too steep for crew to climb.

11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley’s shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

5: Ship’s dryer indiscriminately shreds crew’s uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says “Pretty please with sugar on it”.

3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.

2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain’s ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

1. Sag, You’re it 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 4. Kick the Bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over 6. Doc, Doc Goose 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 8. Hide and Go Pee 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10. Musical Recliners

Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950’s. (1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its’ going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.” (2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.” (3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” (4) “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?” (5) “The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.” (6) “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.” (7) “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.” (8) “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.” (9) “Also, their music drives me wild. This ‘Rock Around The Clock’ thing is nothing but racket.” (10) “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with

15> “…and the best part about this Internet company you’ve invested in is that their list is *actually* 15 items — that’s like a 33% discount!”

14> “Allow me to illustrate: Suppose this ceramic coffee mug here represent your high tech portfolio and this cast iron paperweight the current economic trends…”

13> “No, I don’t mean it’s time to sell eBay, I mean it’s time to sell everything you own *on* eBay.”

12> “Oops, I had these charts upside down!”

11> “Can I call you right back? I’ve got my bankruptcy attorney holding on the other line.”

10> “I know you said to buy Wal-Mart, but that little sock puppet doggie was just *so* cute…”

9> “I always forget… is ‘bull’ the good one or the bad one?”

8> “Enough about stocks. Do you know how much money you can make in black market kidney sales?”

7> “I don’t understand — this plan worked beautifully when they did it on ‘The Sopranos.'”

6> “Please don’t hang up — I’m only allowed one call…”

5> “First, the good news: you won’t have any problems with capital gains taxes this year…”

4> “I recommend rolling your last $100 into a blanket, a shopping cart and a case of Night Train.”

3> “Your position in the market? Bent over, grabbing your ankles.”

2> “I can’t talk long — I’m on my cell phone and the pavement is coming up *really* fast now…”

1> “So then I said, ‘What the hell is a margin call?'”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

1. Depression is merely anger without enthuiasm2. Eagles may soar, but weasles don’t get sucked into jet engines3. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol4. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?5. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane6. Everyone has a photographic memory. However, some do not have film.7. So do you think you know it all. What is the speed of the dark?8. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup.9. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.10. Why does Sea World have a seafood resturant. I am halfway through myFishburger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner!!!11. Many people quit looking for a job when they find work.12. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines13. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets thecheese.I always wondered???????1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?3. How do I set my laser printer on stun?4. How is it possible to have a civil war?5. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?7. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?8. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?9. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?10. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?11. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?12. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?13. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?14. What happens when none of your bees wax?15. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a planecrash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?17. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’teveryone just move 10 miles away

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner… as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage.5. Always go to the bathroom first.6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.

14> Your uncle passed away and named you as the sole heir — to his dotcom stock.

13> You’ve written some of the world’s greatest slams of Carrot Top, but Carrot Top himself is probably humping a model in the back of his Escalade somewhere in Malibu right *now*.

12> Despite your thirst, you can’t even drink the half that’s there, due to your biohazard mask.

11> Your wife finally agrees to have cosmetic surgery — for breast *reduction*.

10> Olsen twins’ “wetland areas” are “now open for drilling,” but the girls aren’t interested in your tubby old ass.

9> You ask your Magic 8-Ball 1,000 questions and get the same answer 1,000 times: “Prospects look dim.”

8> You finally confirmed that it’s your wife, not you, who is infertile — by impregnating your mistress.

7> Getting that Ph.D. in physics dimmed your hopes of traveling back in time to nail Lana Turner.

6> You got everyone to hate the French even more than they already did, but the U.N. still won’t vote to let you invade Paris.

5> Ringo is still alive.

4> Your wife’s conservatism in the bedroom seemed quaintly charming until you saw her in an ad for the “Freakbang ’02” video.

3> Your grandparents admit that you have it tougher than they ever did.

2> You’ve found a top-notch chef just in time for the grand opening of your new restaurant, “Vive La France.”

1> You drop into your escape tunnel under the palace just in time to hear Alan Jackson music coming from the other end.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

14> Rousing game of Pin the Hair Plug on the CBS Late-Night Host.

13> Went to Blockbuster. Destroyed all the Pauly Shore movies.

12> Worked on our multi-dimensional matrix trying to resolve all the storyline and technical contradictions in the five “Star Trek” TV series. Again.

11> Walked into bars with a priest, a rabbi and a polar bear.

10> Tried to duplicate William Hung’s aura in hopes of getting a date.

9> Reported Mel Gibson to the copyright office for infringing on “Life of Brian.”

8> Cried ourselves to sleep waiting for Chris to validate our lives by giving us the Number 1 spot.

7> Every time George W. said “freedom” on TV, substituted the word “underpants.”

6> Passed around copies of the TopFive lists we made, explaining that even though we don’t get “paid,” we are considered “professional” humorists.

5> Gathered for a movieoke showing of “Blazing Saddles.”

4> Convened the annual TopFive Coven Gathering to worship at the Great White altar.

3> Performed extensive research to conclusively prove that, yes, wherever you go it’s about $25 — same as in town.

2> Michael Jackson-reference drinking contests

1> Same thing we do every month, Chester – tried to take over the world.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]