Top Ten Ways the Bible is Out of Date

10) Who the hell Begets anymore?

9) Memo to Adam: Ditch the apples, try chocolate!

8) Saint Peter wouldn’t do the actual judging — he’d hire a temp.

7) Ten plagues and God never thought of daytime talk shows?

6) All this smiting and no one filed a suit against God?

5) �Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy?� — GO FORTY-NINERS!

4) Why did Moses spend all his time parting seas when there are all those great legs out there?

3) How can you trust someone who turns water into wine?

2) Satan provides free heating, work for everyone, never evicts you and doesn’t give a damn about your credit rating. This is bad HOW?

1.) Out with �Into the ark, two by two,� in with Jerry Springer love triangles!

The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs

16> Takes phone calls only if the caller agrees to do a hit of helium first.

15> Spent the last 15 minutes of yesterday’s show clearing his throat.

14> His response to every caller: “Dave’s not here, man.”

13> Cannot refer to Eli Lilly without adding the phrase “makers of some mighty fine sh*t.”

12> “Microphones! There are microphones everywhere!!”

11> Every call is screened through a rigorous “Are you a cop? You sure? You gotta say so or else it’s entrapment, man!” line of questioning.

10> Claims he can do his show “with half my stash hidden under my bed just to make it fair.”

9> While interviewing Barbara Bush, constantly refers to her son as George Washington and adds how much “you two dudes look alike.”

8> He’s talking into an iced-tea spoon.

7> Ted Nugent cuts the interview short and advises the host to “try decaf.”

6> He’s on a seven-second delay even when he’s OFF the air.

5> Refuses to give out the show’s telephone number because “The Man can trace it, dude!”

4> Takes payola only in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.

3> Calls for drastic retaliation against Arab states for their nuking of Arizona and the poisoning of President Palmer.

2> Can’t stop giggling long enough to hear what “Dick in Buffalo” has to say.

1> Begins every news segment with: “First, let’s go to my beeper for a quick look at the traffic.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Top 7 things Elian Gonzalez’s Dad said his first day in the United States

1. I want to thank your great land for not turning my young boy into a political football.2. I will only be interviewed by respected ABC newsman Leonardo DiCaprio.3. As long as I’m here, I also want to take back Jennifer Lopez.4. Please don’t let Robert Urich play me in the movie version of this whole mess.5. I don’t care if you are from the Yankees – I can’t pitch!6. Elian can wait – first I visit the grave of Ricky Ricardo.7. I bow to your superior capitalist system which has given the world the hat that holds two beer cans.- “The Late Show with David Letterman”

The Top 16 Pet Peeves of James Bond

16. Tomorrow Never Dies, and neither does this blasted cold sore.

15. Despite being knighted by the Queen, still can’t get a date with Baby Spice.

14. Getting harder and harder to use his nuclear-powered-heat-seeking-homing-device-in-a-cigarette in California.

13. Q’s latest gadget only locates your car keys.

12. Just when you think you’ve finally found the right girl to settle down with, she tries to jam a pen into your throat.

11. His car may be a computerized, kick-ass arsenal, but try putting a Super Big Gulp in the cup holder.

10. Morons at Jiffy Lube always pouring windshield washer fluid in the Napalm tank.

9. Embarrassing to have girlfriend’s name paged when separated at WalMart.

8. If his neighbor pulls that “Finkelbaum. Morris Finkelbaum” crap one more time, he’s getting an ice pick in the forehead.

7. New Bond girl, RuPaul, always kicking his ass at arm wrestling.

6. Studio budget cutbacks have him at the wheel of a souped-up 1976 Gremlin with new Bond girl, Bea Arthur.

5. Post-Cold War villains? The evil Dr. Hemorrhoid and the Tucks Twins.

4. Always looks like a ninny in Sean Connery’s big-ass shoes.

3. Wet spot in bed usually contains bullet hole.

2. Picture on “License to Kill” looks terrible.

1. Increasing competition for beautiful women spies from American agent Double-Chin-Bubba.

A Visitor’s Guide to Dallas, TX

. . . life in America’s fifth largest city.

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

2.Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules….Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

3.All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has no beginning and no end.

4.The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a “scenic drive.”

5.The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6.If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross, Pokolodi and Routh Street.

8.Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.

9.All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Fort Worth!!”

10.If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11.All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way.

12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you’re on Storey Rd……

13.If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

14.Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15.A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

16.The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn’t ornamental.

17.Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,”Keep honking. I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.

18.If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone… people are not waving when they go by.

19.The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.

20.LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and “trap.”

21. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

22. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock Show is going on.

23. If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.

24.Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Things We Will Never See On Star Trek

1.A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.

2.A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.

3.McCoy says, “On second thought, maybe I’m a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all.”

4.Kirk meets a woman whom he’s known for years but never had sex with.

5.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise’s computer, only to find it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

6.Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

7.Kirk says, “Uhura, I’m frightened.”

8.Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

9.A Klingon says to a companion, “Hey, I like you.”

10.Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

11.An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.

12.Some patient of McCoy’s who’s NOT a central character lives.

13.The crew of the Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.

14.A major character dies and isn’t resurrected.

15.The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.

16.McCoy says, “He’ll live, Jim.”

17.The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected to the late 20th century.

18.Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

19.Somebody says, “You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is it, a `Close Encounters’ reject???”

20.The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

21.Some of the crew visits the holodeck and it works properly.

22.Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.

23.The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

24.The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

25.A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.

26.A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.

27.The crew of the Enterprise is afflicted by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked enterpise sick bay.

28.The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form wearing a funny hat.

29.The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.

30.Picard ignores Troi and blows the enemy out of the sky, in spite of their “distressed” feelings.

31.Data figures out that being a robot is good.

32.Nobody uses the holodeck for a week.

33.The Enterprise encounters nothing analogous to human society in its barbaric days.

34.The crew ejects the ship tailor, gets someone who makes jackets long enough.

35.Dr. Crusher uses the wrong skin replacing magic-ray gun. LaForge is white.

36.Someone gets drunk and pees all over himself in 10 Forward.

37.Troi is able to explain her accent.

38.Picard explains his accent.

39.The crew finds a reason for not letting the computer do everything.

40.The gravity generator goes out and the crew floats around the bridge.

41.Troi makes a funny face when Geordi explains that the enterprise’s source of drinking water is recycled human waste.

42.The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space suits or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.

43.An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads to new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in follow-on episodes.

44.An unexpected failure in the transporter makes 17 identical copies of Picard. They all get along fine.

45.An entire year goes by without the enterprise encountering any relatives (daughter, sister, etc) of Tasha Yar.

46.A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exacly like each other, in an upwards position.

47.Riker loses weight from the previous year’s episodes.

48.A Star Fleet admiral gives Picard orders that present no moral dilema for him and that he is glad to go along with.

49.A crewman getting addicted to living out violent and or sexual fantasies on the holodeck and having to be forceably removed.

50.A conference on some planet that doesn’t involve running through kidnap attempts and dodging time warps to go to/from.

51.Any member of the crew who isn’t part of the bridge crew or happens to be in a room or walking through a corridor when a member of the bridge crew is there.

52.Anyone who works for a living.

53.Any horribly disfiguring disease or accident that can not be instantly and completely recovered from.

54.A space battle where the two ships don’t happen to occupy the same shot.

55.Anyone yawning, stretching, scratching, picking their nose, going to the bathroom, taking a bath, adjusting their underwear, burping or otherwise. All of these things, like the need for money, have been eliminated in the future.

The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part I)

15> We were waiting for the Supreme Court to tell us whether it was okay.

14> It’s just too PC to use the group epithets that apply to you, you intellectually-impaired ability-challenged Irish-American person of alternative sexuality.

13> You never actually read the list, preferring to just skip right to that day’s ambience.

12> Tom Ridge told us that if we insult you, the terrorists win.

11> Your inability to get past third grade left you too stupid to realize the redneck jokes are *all* about you.

10> Let’s just say that owning www.chriswhitenude.com keeps the hounds at bay.

9> Because you’re a spineless wuss who just sits there and takes it like the little prison bitch you are.

8> You’ve got more important things to worry about, seeing as how you haven’t had a big hit since “Mandy.”

7> You’re one of the thousands of cowardly wimps who added your name to Top5’s nationwide “Do Not Insult” list. Oops! Dammit, another fine!

6> All this time, you thought your favorite movie star’s name was Paul E. Shore.

5> We tried, but apparently you missed our special “The Top 25 Things We Hate About Trek-Watching, SUV-Driving, D&D-Playing, Stamp-Collecting, Grit-Magazine-Selling White Supremacists” list.

4> Your favorite fetish is so utterly twisted, perverse and beyond the realm of human decency that, well, we enjoy it ourselves.

3> You’ve got unusually thick skin for such a little girlie-man.

2> We’ve placed you in the “attractive, but dumb enough to possibly agree to sleep with us” category and don’t want to hurt our chances.

1> Not being Wiccan, you *have* a sense of humor.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Skiing Definitions

Now that ski season is almost here, it’s time to brush up on those important skiing definitions: Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however; the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It’s good exercise, doesn’t require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: 1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs. 2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes. 3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.Gloves: Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: 1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home care bills. 2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. 3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see ‘Tree’)Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is ‘Avalanche!’ (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, ‘Am I nuts or what?’Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.Tree: The other method.

12 Reasons Same-Sex Marriage will Ruin Society

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’s 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn’t changed at all: women are property, Blacks can’t marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That’s why we only have one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.