Category: top lists

16> Peter Jackson — Made 99 percent of men the world over look slim, well-groomed and stylish!

15> Paris Hilton — Reached out to the youth of rural America and gave them an alternative to sleeping with their 4-H projects.

14> Donald Trump — Showed us all what a bad hair day *really* is.

13> Francis Ford Coppola — Produced a wine that should only take a year to ferment, but instead takes five years and comes in $10,000,000 over budget.

12> Pam Anderson — Quietly and without complaint, she volunteered to store the nation’s silicone surplus.

11> The Rock — Steered evolution back toward important genetic mate-selection features like eyebrow-muscle control.

10> Rush Limbaugh — Has assisted bulimics for 20 years and counting.

9> Kim Basinger and Angelina Jolie — Showed society that girls with unsightly, overweight lips can lead normal, healthy lives.

8> Alec Baldwin — Taught millions of Americans that the actual location of France is, in fact, right here in the good old USA.

7> Bill Gates — Made home computing stable and problem-freERROR. THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY.

6> Arnold Schwarzenegger — Married the daughter of, and thus appeased, humanity’s most dangerous enemy: Skeletor!

5> Anna Nicole Smith — Proved once and for all that bigger isn’t *always* better.

4> Michael Jackson — Continuously provides tantalizing evidence of the possibility of extra-terrestrial life.

3> Jessica Simpson — Proved to young girls everywhere that you can achieve anything if you just put your breasts to it.

2> Mel Gibson — Alerted the world to the cruel and unusual nature of crucifixion, leading to the discontinuation of the practice in the United States.

1> Paul Lynde — Invented the deadly art of Sneer Fu.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

1) It insulates the closet where it is kept.2) It is less expensive and more fun than psychiatric care.3) A sudden increase in the boll weevil population might wipe out the cotton crop for the next 10 years.4) I’m participating in a contest – the one who dies with the most fabric wins!5) Because I’m worth it!6) It’s not immoral, illegal or fattening. It calms the nerves, gratifies the soul, and makes me feel good!7) Buy it now, before your husband retires and goes with you on all your shopping expeditions.8) It helps keep the economy going. It is our patriotic duty to protect the jobs of textile mill workers, and quilt shop staff with cute babies and grandchildren.9) It keeps the dust off those previously empty spaces like the dining room table or the living room floor.10) It keeps without refrigeration, you don’t have to cook it to enjoy it, you never have to feed it, burp it, change it, wipe its nose, or walk it!

15> Strip poker with Santa’s granddaughter 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa’s Ass 13> Spin the Salt Lick 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers 11> Moose or Dare 10> Flying into the ‘No Fly Zone’ over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot 6> Convince the Elves to Eat ‘Raisinets’ 5> Pin the Tail on Santa’s Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen 3> Elf Tossing 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey 1> The ‘Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer’ Drinking Game

13. Your co-workers are obliviously to the fact that your “DayTimer” is really a leather-bound TV Guide.

12. You’re still trying to find a publisher for your book “C-Span for Dummies.”

11. You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC — and HSA (Huge Sofa Ass).

10. To reduce “downtime” — you got an *elective* colostomy.

9. Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving Ally McBeal.

8. Your name: Nick

Nickelodeon’s new channel: Nick for Nick

7. You write daily to the producers of “Bassmasters” to urge them come out with movie version.

6. Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife: “Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker’s on.”

5. You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb.

4. Forget the dish, *you* have your own friggin’ satellite.

3. As surgeons painstakingly remove the petrified Cheetos embedded in your gargantuan ass cheeks, you spend the entire 7 hours staring dumbly at the EKG monitor.

2. Those 37 electrocutions still don’t deter you from watching cartoons in the shower.

1. The last time you *read* for enjoyment was when they subtitled Arnold the Pig on an episode of Green Acres.

[This list copyright 1998 by Chris White]

12> Fact-checker for FOX News11> Donald Trump�s toupee fluffer10> “Survivor” film editor in charge of blurring Richard Hatch9> Geraldo Rivera8> Procuring sweet, sweet virgin blood to keep Larry King animated7> Property master on a Winona Ryder film6> Caterer for “Fear Factor”5> Christina Aguilera’s squeegee attendant4> Second Bananarama3> Michael Jackson’s errand boy, Michael Jackson’s pool boy, Michael Jackson’s paper boy….2> The guy they get when they can’t get Corey Haim1> Marlon Brando’s butter valet[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ][ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

10. QXP-A70 High Velocity Pea Shooter 9. 6.5 megaton stink bomb 8. EGADLO 100-year delayed-action nerve gas 7. The C-22 lightweight, fuel-efficient, wood pulp composite fighter jet 6. An evening of strip poker with “The Golden Girls” and “Mr. Belvedere” 5. The “Barney” suit after a 26-hour “Save the Children” telethon in Arizona 4. “Barney” in general, no matter what ‘he’ is doing… 3. Door-to-door salespeople 2. Windows 2,000,000 1. The Y2M (Year 2 Million) Bug

20. Now edits the list using only a Kraftmatic Adjustable Bed and The Clapper.

19. Ambience – Steve & Edie

18. Send your submissions in by 4 pm and receive the Early Bird Special.

17. He sits through “Jurassic Park” shaking his head, mumbling, “No, that’s not how it was at all…”

16. Wants to replace daily TOP5 humor list with daily TOP5 senior citizen discount list.

15. Today’s topic? “Top 5 Retirement Homes for Top 5 List Moderators.”

14. Every Monday, the same topic: “Top 5 Ways to Get Those Damn Kids Off of My Lawn!”

13. Keeps trying to trade ad space on Top5 list for free meals at Denny’s.

12. Today’s Topic: “Top 5 Signs Your Local Girlscout Leader is a Humorless Old Bag” (Oops! That’s a sign your list moderator is getting *bold*.)

11. Power hungry contributors, forseeing an upcoming retirement, attempt to popularize themselves by organizing brown-nose birthday surprises.

10. Ninth “Matlock” topic this month.

9. Yesterday’s list had its left turn signal on for 6 hours.

8. Stops using Viagra jokes in his lists because they just hit too close to home, if you know what I mean.

7. Ninth #1 in a row for new contributor Angela Lansbury.

6. Fondly remembers the old days when they distributed the Top5 List via coded jungle drums.

5. One day he’s convinced himself that his cubicle job is temporary; the next day he’s getting a gold watch and a Xerox of his naked buttocks at his retirement party.

4. New hair… and you ain’t exactly in puberty, Chester.

3. Yesterday: A bright young man with dreams of becoming one of the Internet’s best comedy list moderators, because if he can bring a smile to just one person’s face every day, then he’s done his job.

Today: Just old and bitter.

2. Have you noticed there’s no Top 5 Lists skewering the AARP? Coincidence? I think not.

1. “Top 5 Signs You’re Losing Your Memor… umm… Top 5 Signs….”

1. If your “significant other” leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can’t be expected to wait around forever.

2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.

3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.

4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.

5. Pretend you’re pregnant.

6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!

7. If marriage isn’t working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn’t convenient, fake your own death.

8. Don’t walk too fast when feigning blindness.

9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.

10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.

11. Don’t date drug dealers…unless they’re really good-looking…or have a lot of money…or unless you can gain something from it in some way…or…oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.

12. Don’t get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.

13. If you get fired, get drunk.

14. Call your ex-wife “Baby.”

15. If you’ve got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.

16. Randomly insult the people around you.

17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they’ll nag. Sometimes they’ll be judgmental. Sometimes they’ll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you’ll be bound in a straight jacket and heavily sedated.

18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you’ll get an even better job at twice the salary.

19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.

20. Just because you’re in the midst of ruining someone’s career doesn’t mean that you can’t carpool to work with them.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”

12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can I take yours?”

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.

17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

1. It’s an incentive to show up.2. It reduces stress.3. It leads to more honest communications.4. It reduces complaints about low pay.5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.8. It encourages carpooling.9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.11. It makes fellow employees look better.12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.