Category: top lists

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

10. Elevator surfing!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap, anyway?”

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”

20. Put M&M’s on layaway.

21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. b

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”

41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

20> Slippery Slim’s Happy Trails Snail Buffet

19> International House of Pancreas

18> Gandhiburger

17> Day-Old Discount Sushi Emporium

16> NRA Kill It/Grill It Steakhouse

15> Dahmer’s Deli De-Lites

14> Tofu Bell

13> Jackass… the Restaurant

12> Hirsooters

11> Captain Tricky’s Raw Pork Bar

10> Outhouse Out Back Steakhouse

9> Hairy Queen

8> Pee Wee’s Hand-Jerked Chicken

7> Tastes Like Shiite Iraqi Cuisine

6> Phlegmpie’s

5> Preggo’s Sardine, Pickle and Ice Cream Parlor

4> Just Taste All That Greece!

3> Francisco McGillicutty’s Bogus Ethnic Forced-Fun Emporium

2> Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf’s Wonderful, Vermin-Free Restaurant

1> Bob Dole’s Foot-Long Hot Dogs

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

15> Caramel Toothpaste

14> Dancing Hula Girl Rosary Beads

13> Combination Salad Shooter/De-Seeder

12> Automatic Coats-Anything-With-Peanut-Butter Machine

11> Supply-Side Economics

10> “Waitin’ For My F***ing Ham” Kitchen Timer

9> “You don’t get it, man? It’s like a fork *and* a spoon! A ‘Foon’!”

8> Binaca-Flavored Visine

7> A TV set with a Teletubby in its middle.

6> The NASA Channel

5> Tie-Dye Contact Lenses

4> Barbie Dream House Smoke Alarm

3> Iron-On Tattoos

2> The Mood Thong

1> “Chips Ahoy. Chipsahoy. No, wait. Chip Sahoy. Hee hee. Chipsahoy! Oh, man.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat “a Scout is cheerful” and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene.”

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read “gasoline.”

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Generation X Office LingoBlamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.Elvis Year: The peak year of something’s or someone’s popularity. ‘Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993.’404: Someone who’s clueless. ‘Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404.’ From the WWW error message ‘404 Not Found’, meanig the requested document couldn’t be located.Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a big mistake.Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in ‘My cellular phone just perot’ed.’Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. ‘We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.’Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

16) During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor and say, “Talk to the hand!”

15) Every night at the dinner table, it’s the same routine: “Eat your vegetables!” ….and the chairs go flying.

14) You’ve had to replace the babysitter with three burly stagehands.

13) Dinner topic: “Teenage boys who hide ‘Playboy’ under their mattresses.”

12) Junior’s new mastery of the headlock has made him the star of his high school debate team.

11) Have evolved from playing “Doctor” to “Plastic Surgeon specializing in Male Enlargement.”

10) They want to know why they only live in a house instead of a double-wide trailer.

9) At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest: your secretary/mistress.

8) Your Elvis shrine ain’t been Endusted in two weeks.

7) Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one Chuck E. Cheese.

6) Your youngest has stopped calling you “Mommy” in favor of “Crack-ho.”

5) Math: C-

History: D+

English: F

Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+

4) Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair over your head.

3) Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for Cabbage Patch Kids.

2) During that “little talk” with Junior, you’re forced to admit that you don’t know if hermaphrodites are “birds” or “bees.”

1) Poor Ken just found out he hasn’t been dating Barbie, but GI Joe in drag.

LOVE —– When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST —– When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room. LOVE —– When intercourse is called ‘making love.’ LUST —– When intercourse is called ‘screwing.’ MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about? LOVE —– When you argue over how many children to have. LUST —– When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE – When you argue over money. LOVE —– When you share everything you own. LUST —– When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything. LOVE —– When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax. LUST —– When the relationship is over if you don’t climax. MARRIAGE – What’s a climax? LOVE —– When you phone each other just to say, ‘Hi.’ LUST —– When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch. LOVE —– When you write poems about your partner. LUST —– When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks. LOVE —– When you show concern for your partner’s feelings. LUST —– When you couldn’t give a shit. MARRIAGE – When your only concern is what’s on TV. LOVE —– When your farewell is ‘I love you, darling…’ LUST —– When your farewell is ‘So, same time next week…’ MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief. LOVE —– When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST —– When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake. LOVE —– When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST —– When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties every time you see them. LOVE —– When nobody else matters. LUST —– When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows. LOVE —– When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST —– When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio. LOVE —– When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST —– When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought. LOVE —– When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST —– When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…

Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…

Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…

Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…

Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…

Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

Only in America…do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”…

16> Peter Jackson — Made 99 percent of men the world over look slim, well-groomed and stylish!

15> Paris Hilton — Reached out to the youth of rural America and gave them an alternative to sleeping with their 4-H projects.

14> Donald Trump — Showed us all what a bad hair day *really* is.

13> Francis Ford Coppola — Produced a wine that should only take a year to ferment, but instead takes five years and comes in $10,000,000 over budget.

12> Pam Anderson — Quietly and without complaint, she volunteered to store the nation’s silicone surplus.

11> The Rock — Steered evolution back toward important genetic mate-selection features like eyebrow-muscle control.

10> Rush Limbaugh — Has assisted bulimics for 20 years and counting.

9> Kim Basinger and Angelina Jolie — Showed society that girls with unsightly, overweight lips can lead normal, healthy lives.

8> Alec Baldwin — Taught millions of Americans that the actual location of France is, in fact, right here in the good old USA.

7> Bill Gates — Made home computing stable and problem-freERROR. THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY.

6> Arnold Schwarzenegger — Married the daughter of, and thus appeased, humanity’s most dangerous enemy: Skeletor!

5> Anna Nicole Smith — Proved once and for all that bigger isn’t *always* better.

4> Michael Jackson — Continuously provides tantalizing evidence of the possibility of extra-terrestrial life.

3> Jessica Simpson — Proved to young girls everywhere that you can achieve anything if you just put your breasts to it.

2> Mel Gibson — Alerted the world to the cruel and unusual nature of crucifixion, leading to the discontinuation of the practice in the United States.

1> Paul Lynde — Invented the deadly art of Sneer Fu.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]