Category: top lists

14> You ask your robot caddy for a sand wedge and it hands you a tuna on rye.

13> The taste tests went well, and “SARS BARS” rhymed and everything…

12> Even Ralph Kramden turned you down for financing.

11> Your “Windshield Vaseline,” while it does make the road look younger, has unfortunate side effects.

10> Your best remaining hope for commercialization: “Miller’s Genuine Cold Fusion Draft.”

9> It’s hard to unfold a chocolate umbrella.

8> Two years later, and there are *still* no Segway-only traffic lanes.

7> “Watson, come here; I’m bleeding!”

6> Public debate regarding gun control aside, there simply is no ready market for your “Salad Stunner.”

5> Despite the celebrity tie-in, your freezers are crammed with unsold “Gary Burghoff Frozen Gourmet Dinners.”

4> Your “Kiwi Karving Kit” continues to be badly outsold at Halloween by those damn pumpkin traditionalists.

3> By law, you must print “Patent Forcibly Declined” on your invention.

2> Your product’s catch phrase is: “Set it, read pages 11 through 26 in the owner’s manual, and forget it!”

1> In hindsight, labeling your item as “Small enough to fit inside a hollowed-out human head!” might not have been the best marketing decision.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate —————————————— 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ‘May I borrow a highlighter?’ 2. Say, ‘Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.’ 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, ‘Damn, this water’s cold.’ 5. Drop a marble and say, ‘Oh shit! My glass eye!’ 6. Say, ‘Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.’ 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, ‘Now how did that get there?’ 9. Say, ‘Humus. Reminds me of humus.’ 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, ‘Whoa! Easy boy!’ 11. Say, ‘Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.’ 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, ‘Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?’ 13. Say, ‘C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.’ 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, ‘Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.’ 16. Say, ‘Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?’ 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your ‘Cross-Dressers Anonymous’ newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ‘Peek-a-boo!’ 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ‘Born Free’.

• Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
• If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
• He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
• Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
• Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.
• Girl who sit on jockey’s lap get hot tip.
• Girl who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge.
• Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
• Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy — feeling nuts.
• Squirrel who run up woman’s leg not find nuts.
• He who run behind bus get exhausted.
• Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
• He who fish in other’s hole often catch crabs.

The Top 17 Rejected Band Names 17> Motley J. Crew 16> Pearl Bailey Jam 15> Derek from Dominos Here’s Your Pizza 14> Marilyn Hanson 13> WHAM! Bam! Thank You, Hand 12> Strongly Worded Letter-Writing Campaign Against the Machine 11> Kenneth Starrship 10> Goyz II Mensch 9> Yo’ Mamas and Yo’ Papas 8> 38DD Special 7> Porno For Pedos 6> Nuns ‘N’ Rosaries 5> MiniVan Halen 4> Nine Inch Males 3> Wait-D.M.V 2> Puff, The Magic Daddy and the Number 1 Rejected Band Name… 1> The Yeastie Girls

18> Find grocery store receipt for 10,000 packets of ramen noodles.17> Apologize to neighbors about the tripwire incident; offer to replace dog.16> Take up pork & beans skeet shooting.15> Gather recipes for Spam, dehydrated potatoes, and crow.14> Cancel subscription to Stockpilers Quarterly, but keep the free can opener.13> Convert weapons back to semi-auto.12> Pitch “1000 Ideas for Wheat Gluten” to Martha Stewart’s people.11> Return 753 videos to Blockbuster.10> Water yard, one lousy gallon at a time. 9> Prepare for the dreaded but little-known “Arbor Day Bug.” 8> Shoot first — forget the damn questions. 7> Learn how to disarm a Claymore mine. 6> Laugh at all those losers out there fighting each other for scraps of food, and thank the Lord for the safety of the bunker, cut off from all connection with the outside world. 5> Find the bastard who sold me all that dehydrated water. 4> Curse God for pussing out on the wrath. 3> Convert my anti-Y2K-Bug tin-foil hat back into an anti-Katie-Couric-Mind-Control tin-foil hat. 2> Make sure the babes in the bunker still think we need to repopulate earth….and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Thing on a Y2K Survivalist’s To-Do List… 1> Make friends with the 6 billion other Y2K survivors.