Category: top lists

14> He keeps asking if your daughters are “good breeding stock.”

13> Her excuse for running over your dog? “There was a freeze-dried ice cream sale at Wal-Mart.”

12> You catch him throwing cans of Spam into what you thought was an old tree stump.

11> Asks if you know anyone who would like five thousand bags of topsoil.

10> Turret with gun barrel now poking up from his kid’s sandbox.

9> Fido’s been getting into their flower bed for years, but this is his first land mine detonation.

8> He’s throwing a New Years Eve party for “all fertile women ages 18-35.”

7> What looks like a cement truck is now filling her empty pool with pork ‘n’ beans.

6> For weeks, he’s been trying to develop a taste for his own urine.

5> Shows you her new cookbook, “450 Recipes for Rice-a-Roni.”

4> Says he’s building a wine cellar — but the trucks are delivering malt liquor and Ripple.

3> Says his new shotgun is for “keeping mutants away from the womenfolk.”

2> Abandons his Noah’s Ark Recreation project and to slaughter and salt-cure the pairs of animals instead.

1> “Kidnap a Hooters waitress and repopulate the Earth” seems like an odd New Year’s resolution.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
• You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
• One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
• It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
• Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
• It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
• Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
• Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
• Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

15> High-school dropout fast-food workers are disappointed to learn they can’t win the gold in the Greece Olympics.

14> In the last quarter of 2004, sales of 2005 calendars skyrocket.

13> George W. Bush again uses the WMD excuse to invade one or more of the following: Iran, Syria, Cuba, Canada, Club Med Cancun.

12> Come Christmas, millions once again are reduced to helpless tears of laughter by “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Like, when the singer says, “Sing along, Grandpa!” and a really deep voice joins the chorus, is that HILARIOUS or what?

11> The planet Mars sues NASA for littering.

10> God’s existence is proven once and for all when the wedding of Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher is torched by a lightning bolt from an absolutely cloudless sky.

9> Kobe Bryant, Scott Peterson, Michael Jackson and Robert Blake all testify that they were playing poker at O.J.’s house on the nights in question.

8> The Olsen twins turn 18, lift the restraining order and begin to return my calls.

7> The next American Idol makes viewers forget all about Ruben and Clay — not to mention Kelly and the guy with the hair.

6> Britney Spears reveals she has a fetish for humor list contributors. Also, Richard Simmons has a heterosexual romance with Amelia Earhart on the island of Atlantis.

5> Having exhausted all other outlets to try to save the planet, U2 singer Bono runs for president of Earth.

4> FOX TV produces a reality show starring two other children of hotel magnates: Lisbon Sheraton and Florence Motel6.

3> Florida tries to win back the goofiest state status from California by replacing its governor with SpongeBob SquarePants.

2> The gaping hole in the fabric of space and time opened by “Gigli” in 2003 continues to grow. Among the resulting phenomena: Pee-Wee Herman is arrested for securities fraud and Martha Stewart is caught “pleasuring herself” in a Home Depot.

1> “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” loses the ratings battle to “Lesbian Lips on a Straight Girl’s Nips.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson…Paging Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

1. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”

(but probably wishes he had)

• Every teen-ager should get a high school education — even if they already know everything
• Somethings that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair
• A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can’t spell
• The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep
• Here’s a new invention — a solar-powered clothes dryer. It’s called a clothes line
• Leaders go down in history — some farther down than others
• Any man who laughs at women’s clothes has never paid the bill for them
• Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired
• For every judge operating in an official capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed
• It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered
• The more you know, the more you know you ought to know
• The argument you just won with your spouse isn’t over yet
• The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.

16> “And if we look at the satellite picture we see this large cloud formation that looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. And look! This one looks like an elephant…”

15> Attempts to use the Doppler radar to catch speeding cars along the freeway.

14> The pointer she’s using to draw attention to that high pressure cell over Kansas shouldn’t vibrate, should it?

13> Ends every sentence with “…if the Dark Lord deems it acceptable.”

12> Bogarts all the chili beans from the studio commissary’s salad bar in preparation for his on-air demonstration of wind shear.

11> Shows up in an undershirt and replaces the “wind chill factor” with the “headlight factor.”

10> Screams, “Yeah, but it’s a DRY heat” when his leg gets humped during the pet adoption segment.

9> Wants everyone to think his *real* name is “Storm.”

8> Her new “Doppler Radar Storm Tracker 2000” looks like an old microwave oven with some Hello Kitty stickers stuck on the door.

7> Sacrifices the sports guy to the Rain God — but does it off-camera, dammit!

6> Still uses 10-10-321 even after you told him about 10-10-220.

5> Does the forecast without pants and apologizes for not being able to point to the temperatures north of the equator.

4> Actually thinks he can become a multi-millionaire late night TV talk show host.

3> “…Turning to the five-day forecast on our Doppler radar, we see the Monistat is really clearing up my yeast infection!”

2> Has begun mumbling, “If there’s even gonna BE a tomorrow,” after each forecast.

1> Weekend forecast calls for scattered showers and “a chance of love.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

16. The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead

15. The Whoopsie Brothers’ “WidowMaker” Nonlocking Stepladder

14. Black and Decker Nipple Sanders

13. Lee Press-On Nails

12. Approximo Knives

11. The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment

10. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Asbestos!”

9. The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper (“Bucket O’ Coagulant” and “Man, That’s Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet” sold separately)

8. Bob Villa’s “Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style” Video

7. Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver

6. Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon

5. Nine Inch Tacks

4. Monkey Wenches

3. “Crackle” buttcrack spackle – “Keeps the weather out!”

2. Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure

1. The “Make Your Own Fertilizer!” Kit

• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
• How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
• Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
• Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to “CURE” it?
• Why do we wash BATH TOWELS–aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
• Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the DC thingie?”4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?!?”3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

16> “Oh, you meant you’d give me *a* head tonight? That’s very different then, isn’t it?”

15> “A census taker tried to survey me once. I made a lovely autumn floral swag out of his liver.”

14> “Is that a femur in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

13> “Oh God, Tony, that’s a *very* good thing!”

12> “Finger sandwiches, chopped liver, and a real bloody Mary. Now *that’s* a good thing.”

11> “Now this dessert I call ‘Medulla Oblon-Gelato’.”

10> “…and this muzzle of yours can double as a strainer for pasta or for intestines.”

9> “Gnawing on the phalanges is permissible, but should always be accompanied by fingerbowls.”

8> “Martha, so help me, if you use the word ‘potpourri’ as a verb one more time, I’ll kill both of us with this butter knife!”

7> “Go for my sweetbreads if you dare, Liverlips — I’ve got a glue gun and I’m not afraid to use it.”

6> “No, dear, you eat spleen with *this* fork.”

5> “Do that damned ‘fth-fth-fth-fth-fth’ thing one more time, and I’ll gag you with this lovely handcrafted doily!”

4> “Put a doily under that liver, pig.”

3> “Has the rack of lamb stopped screaming, Martha?”

2> “The lady will have the linguini with clam sauce, and I’ll just eat off her face.”

1> “Eat me!!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you’d imagine would remain in him or her.9. Super glue is forever.10. McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.13. VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.17. It will however make cats dizzy.18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.