Yours Fun Portal !
15> Porked Loins
14> McRibbed Sandwich
13> Sheath Bars
12> Chicken Trojanzini
11> Rack of Lambskin
10> Glove ‘n’ Roasted Chicken
9> Chili Con Carnal
8> “The Wilt Chamberlain” sandwich at the Carnegie Deli
7> Pheasant Under Glans
6> Condomleezza Rice
5> Safe Sexchuan Chicken
4> Creme Booyeah
3> Veal Scumbagini
2> Quiche Lorraincoat
1> Newman’s Own Chowder [tm]
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
12> Argyle condoms are too “busy.”
11> Black suits are slimming. White suits bring out skin tone. Day-Glo prison jump suits are free from the state.
10> Damn, man… Close your robe.
9> Diagonal chainlink? Klingon! Horizontal chainlink? Just makes you look tubby.
8> Douse all garments in grape juice and pizza sauce upon purchase. Get it over with.
7> Dressing in colors that match your cubicle can render you invisible to your boss.
6> Emulating film and music stars is usually considered chic, but take my word for it — trying to duplicate Jennifer Lopez’s ass is just… not… worth it.
5> Sure, a tight black sweater looks good *now*, but what’s it going to look like after the milk shoots out your nose?
4> “Days of the Week” underpants are a double-edged sword.
3> A T-shirt covered in vomit is always cleaner on the inside.
2> Plaid goes with everything; everything goes with plaid.
1> You will never wet your underwear if you do not wear underwear.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]20> “Underpants?!? We don’t need no stinking underpants!”
19> “She’s all that and a bag of underpants.”
18> “No… more… wire… underpants… EVER!!!”
17> “Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THOSE UNDERPANTS!”
16> “How now, brown underpants?”
15> “I want the underpants!” “You can’t handle the underpants!!”
14> “Wazzzzunderpants?”
13> “I love the smell of underpants in the morning. They smell like… victory.”
12> “I ate his underpants with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. [*ppth-ppth-ppth*]”
11> “Underpants are melting in the rain, and the sweet green icing’s flowing down.”
10> “Pop quiz, hotshot: There’s underpants on a bus. Once the underpants goes 50 miles an hour, the underpants is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?!?”
9> “I did not have sexual relations with those underpants.”
8> “Underpants… [clink clink clink] Come out and play… Oh, underpants… [clink clink clink] Come out and play…”
7> “Elvis has left the underpants.”
6> “The first rule of underpants is: Do not talk about underpants.”
5> “Open the underpants, please, HAL.”
4> “They melt in your mouth, not in your underpants!”
3> “I’m ‘underpants’? Whadda ya mean, ‘underpants’? ‘Underpants’ how? How am I ‘underpants’? You mean ‘underpants,’ like clown underpants? Like I’m here to make you laugh? Like I’m here to amuse you?”
2> “We’re going to need bigger underpants.”
1> “…’cause you are the wind beneath my underpants.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Yo Mama So Fat….
…she fell in love and she broke it
…she jumped on a scale and it said “to be continued”
…she jumped on a scale and it said “one at a time please”
…she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters
…she’s got her own area code
…her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is just as big
…when God said let there be light, he told her to move her ass over
…she smokes a turkey after sex
Yo Mama’s so old…
…she was in Jesus’s yearbook
…when God said let there be light, she flipped the switch
…her driver’s license number is one
Yo Family’s So Poor…
…your house has a kickstand
…you have to go home and take off your clothes so your father has pants to go to work
Yo Dad’s So Bald…
…he reaches into his pants just to run his fingers through his hair
Yo House is so Nasty…
…the roaches wear shoes
…you wipe your feet before going out
Yo Mama’s So Stupid…
…she thought a quarterback is a refund
…I gave a penny for her thoughts and got change back
1 Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot2 This is just a 15 minute power nap like they faved about in that time management course you sent me to3 I was working smarter — not harder4 Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper5 Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm6 This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people7 I was testing the keybord for droo;-resistance8 It worked for Reagan, didn’t it?9 Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off10 I’m actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learnt at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend11 This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dremt abuot work12 I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?13 Hey! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem14 They told me at the blood bank this might happen15 I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day
16. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
16> The number of stars in a Norman Rockwell painting represents the number of times he got to bang the housewife.15> Painted as a coded rebuke of Catholicism, each poker-playing dog represents a different pope.14> Nostradamus embellished his original prediction, which stated merely: HAZY IS THE REPLY, LATER THOU MUST TRY.13> In the Boulevard of Broken Dreams painting of Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart and James Dean in a diner, Jimi Hendrix was in the men’s room taking a leak.12> As part of a Satanic pact, Ben Stiller and Ben Affleck are assigned to signal the arrival of Armageddon when the combined number of their box office flops reaches 666.11> Reading every seventh word from Shakespeare’s Hamlet provides a recipe for a killer five-alarm chili.10> A cheap Rolex knock-off purchased on the streets of Manhattan inspired Dali to paint Persistence of Memory.9> The Last Supper shows the disciples prefer the blood of Christ over Coke in a blind taste test.8> The physical motions of the macarena, viewed in a mirror, represent the American Sign Language translation of The Godfather.7> Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam was conceived under the working title Hey Adam, Come Over Here and Pull Your Creator’s Finger!6> Monet changed his name to Manet in an attempt to elude creditors.5> The background of Edvard Munch’s The Scream is obviously Neverland Ranch.4> Jesus’ middle name was Herman.3> Duchamp’s original idea for Nude Descending a Staircase was squelched by his beloved model when she refused to slide down the handrail wearing only a cowboy hat, boots and spurs.2> In Mondrian’s abstract Composition No. 10, the red square is totally faking it.1> A race of people with both eyes on the same side of their noses controlled Spain throughout much of the 20th century. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone’s .newsrc file except the entry for alt..fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog “Dog.”
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad,” the Archies’ “Sugar,” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to “interface” with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend “tricorder” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
14. The Dependsinator
13. The Made-in-Taiwan Space Shuttle
12. The Personal Liability Waiver Lawyercoaster
11. Dr. Kevorkian’s Wild “Head Toward The Light” ride
10. Wild Bill’s InternSpinner Career Slide
9. It’s a Small World Full of Leprosy
8. Your 401(k)’s Value Ride
7. “Get Aboard, Ya Scabs!” — The Roller Coaster Built By Non-Union Carpenters
6. Puke of Hurl
5. The Janet Reno Mattress Mambo
4. The Deadly Olestra DoubleEnder
3. The Crooked Safety Inspector’s Crazy Kickbackcoaster
2. The OprahWeight
1. The Hello Kitty Strawberry Shortcake Care Bears BarbieCoaster
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]12> Every room in the house has only three walls.
11> Every time your neighbor drops by, you hear applause.
10> You get paid for product placement.
9> A bunch of celebrities visit you during sweeps week.
8> Every time you get your date to the couch, Don Knotts knocks on your door.
7> You haven’t had sex for weeks because of that damn laughter.
6> Three months in New York City and all you’ve seen are young attractive white people.
5> Every line you utter is followed by laughter, but you’re not George W. Bush.
4> There’s always a parking spot in front of any place you decide to go.
3> People actually laugh at your jokes.
2> Lots of humorous talk about sex but you never actually have any, so you’re either in a sitcom or you’re a TopFive contributor.
1> You’re a fat, balding, blue-collar worker in the Midwest, but your wife is totally hot and your three best friends are, respectively, black, Latino and gay.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
15> Your only claim to fame ended when you found out that guy in the motel room wasn’t really a director, but just a pizza delivery guy with a gold tooth, a camcorder, and a goat.
14> Your network vice-pres– oh, I’m sorry… I’m not eligible for this one. I already HAVE a star.
13> Your greatest achievement to date? Twenty-seven arrests for public urination with no convictions. Oh, yeah… and Internet humor list contributor.
12> Appearances on 7-Eleven security cameras do not count as face time.
11> The committee frankly doesn’t care about your record-setting wait in line for Episode 1.
10> The last time you were that close to wet cement, it involved “Tony the Fish” and the Hudson River.
9> You’ve already been given a gold star each time you completed the 28-day treatment program, Mr Downey.
8> In your last 87 roles, you’ve never been off of your knees.
7> Sure, Hollywood loves double-D breasts — on a female.
6> “Starring role in a George Lucas movie” looks great on your resume, but the industry is oddly bereft of “Howard the Duck” nostalgia.
5> Your agent pitches you to studios as “the thinking man’s Carrot Top.”
4> Your one starring role was in a snuff film… and you couldn’t even get *that* right, dammit!!!
3> That Ebert guy can’t say your name without giggling.
2> You give your heart and soul to the industry, and all they ever talk about is “Vanna, Vanna, Vanna.”
1> Dude, where’s my star?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]