Category: top lists

5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.

Have management treat me better. Alienate at least five new groups this year. Pamper my colon: Eat more fiber! Quit squeezing pimples, especially other people’s. Stop doing so many of those lame Top 7 lists. Gain 20 pounds and keep smoking.Create task force to evaluate the efficaciousness of the strategic planning and definition in a synergistic manner of the seventh goal for this list.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. (Also, remember that a large group of professionals built the Titanic.)

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

14> The capitol of Wisconsin is not “Cheddar.”

13> After hearing your first question, you ask to buy a vowel.

12> Your submissive urination every time that British woman berates you.

11> Your brother Ray keeps beating you up. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re the weakest *Kink*.)

10> You actually *watch* “The Weakest Link.”

9> Your name is LaToya.

8> After forgetting the other contestants’ names, you make it unanimous and vote yourself off.

7> You owe $53 in late fines for “AOL for Dummies.”

6> You’re hairier than Robin Williams and Ed Asner combined. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re the *missing* link.)

5> First time Anne Robinson has used the phrase “Dumber than a bag of hammers” on a non-celebrity edition.

4> You keep trying to take Whoopie Goldberg to block.

3> “Well, Ms. Robinson, down in Texas we pronounce it ‘nucular.'”

2> Even though he just returned from a 3-week sex tour of New York City with your husband, Ted Kennedy won’t return your calls.

1> You volunteered to be abused and humiliated on national TV for half an hour, hoping to win the same amount of money Regis will give you for correctly identifying any of The Three Stooges.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

15> Not only is he devastatingly handsome, Eugene Levy can sing, too!

14> Charlize Theron announces that in “Monster 2,” she’ll play the dress that was eating Uma Thurman.

13> Three of the five “Queer Eye” guys have strokes when they see Peter Jackson.

12> Billy Crystal shows he has bigger boobs than Renee Zellweger.

11> The ugly catfight when Johnny Depp tries to get his outfit back from Diane Keaton.

10> Price Waterhouse divulges that Roman Polanski tried to vote for Keisha Castle-Hughes multiple times.

9> Although he couldn’t make it to the awards, Nemo was resting comfortably in the Flipper wing of the Betty Ford Clinic.

8> In a special live broadcast from San Francisco, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon finally tie the knot.

7> The New Zealand mafia somehow got to Price Waterhouse!

6> Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon receives a lifetime achievement award.

5> A tearful Peter Jackson thanks his brother, Samuel L.

4> The ghost of Gene Siskel repeatedly knocks the Raisinets out of Roger Ebert’s hands.

3> The only exposed boob in sight? Keanu Reeves.

2> Oprah Winfrey gets caught slipping away from her seat to buy Girl Scout cookies from Jack Nicholson’s date.

1> Covering the red carpet for Peoria’s public access channel 58? Ben and Jen!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to you bookmarks19. You have a ”to do list” that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist any more11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits10. You get all excited when it’s Saturday and you can wear sweats to work 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week 6. You think that ”progressing an action plan” and ”calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors 4. You ask your friends to ”think out of the box” when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a ”half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

15> Entire library stock replaced by 50,000 copies of “Yes, I Can” by Sammy Davis, Jr.14> Half-dozen recently-extracted tongues stapled to the “Quiet Please” sign.13> Recommends Kato Kaelin’s book.12> Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.11> Library only has two sections: “Limbaugh” and “Liddy.”10> Inserts boudoir photos of herself in copies of Gray’s Anatomy. 9> When you ask for an appendix, she winks suggestively and shows you her scar. 8> Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the “Rod of Literary Tardiness”. 7> Files Art Buchwald under “Humor” 6> Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the video store parking lot. 5> No matter what book you ask for, she hands you a piece of toast and a Q-tip. 4> Uses the “Dewer’s Decimal System”, which involves regular belts of scotch. 3> Instead of a simple “Shhhh”, uses a bullhorn to say, “One more sound and I cap yo’ ass!” 2> Flashes patrons and yells, “Hey! Check *this* out!” 1> Leans over to whisper something and bites off half of your right ear.

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
• She’s from the shallow end of the gene pool.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
• A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• Nearly as bright as a one celled organism.
• Donated his body to scientists… Before he was done using it.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
• He’s so dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, she’d get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
• If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but she just gargled.
• Takes him 1.5 hours to watch “60 Minutes”.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

15> “I can’t believe you can fit into such a small Speedo, Bob!”

14> “Most guys think they *have* to have a cool car — but not you.”

13> “A bright red mini-dress! You really have tons of confidence in your inner beauty.”

12> “You really make me feel intelligent — especially when you talk.”

11> “Look at how much weight you’ve lost! That dress didn’t fit you nearly as well at that last wedding you wore it to.”

10> “Not only do you dance surprisingly well, you *smell* better than most ugly chicks.”

9> “Great sermon, Father! That loud part at the end was a real wake-up call!”

8> “Wow! For a first-time sexual encounter, that was refreshingly speedy!”

7> “Now, now, it’s just as important to stay behind and guard the women and children.”

6> “It’s nice that you can wear tight jeans without that unsightly bulge in the crotch that most men have.”

5> “I’ve never seen a man chug so many chardonnays.”

4> “No, really — compared to Grenada, Afghanistan and Somalia, you Iraqi Army guys kick *ass.*”

3> “What I like about your toupee is it says, ‘Hey, I have better things to spend my money on!'”

2> “You have 10 cats?!? Wow, it only smells like three or four.”

1> “Okay, let’s try it. One that size can’t possibly be painful.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

The Top 17 Other Effects of the Galaxy 4 Satellite Malfunction 17 With nowhere else to go, radio signals converge on Don King’s hair. 16 Tamagotchis the world over die a slow, horrible death. 15 Worldwide headaches when everyone’s metal dental fillings receive the signals from Gilbert Gottfried’s cell phone. 14 Phoneless George Steinbrenner left unable to fire Joe Torre when the Yankees trailed in the third. 13 Ross Perot and Newt Gingrich stricken with terror while temporarily out of touch with the mothership. 12 Fortune Cookie Effect: words ‘in bed’ added to end of all text messages. 11 Their cellular phones useless, denizens of Los Angeles experience the quaint charm of eating their lunch with both hands. 10 Dennis Rodman tentatively removes tinfoil cap and crawls out from under the woodpile. 9 Cher’s face snaps and rolls up like a cheap paper window shade. 8 After several days of no pages from the maitre de, the not-too-swift ‘Wilson, party of four’ still waits a block away from restaurant and, boy, are they hungry. 7 Young girls everywhere panic as Tiger Beat magazine temporarily loses track of Leonardo DiCaprio. 6 ‘This is Xyctlinor of Reanus IV. Did someone at this number page me?’ 5 Iraqi spy ‘Intern-bots’ in the White House go on the fritz and begin offering themselves to Sam Donaldson. 4 All the crazies on New York streets stop receiving their mind control signals from the CIA, rejoin society and head straight for Starbucks. 3 Five top Hollywood agents died in horrible phone cord accidents. 2 Drug dealers resort to cruising neighborhoods in their primered Buick Regals, playing distorted rap versions of ‘The Entertainer.’ 1 Millions of Hanson fans, momentarily freed from mind control, realize in unison that they’ve wasted their allowance.