Category: top lists

1. Comment “Pooh, who did that?”

2. Complement people on their shoes.

3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.

4. Provide ‘strenuous’ sound-effects.

5. Ask the person in the next stall if there’s anything swimming in THEIR bowl…..

6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.

7. Scream ” Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?”

8. Simulate a drug deal.

9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).

10. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.

11. Start a sing-a-long.

12. Act schizophrenically.

13. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy….

14. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.

15. Ask loudly “When does the movie start?”

16. Write ‘nerdy’ graffitti like “Please wash your hands. Thank you.”

17. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.

18. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.

19. Say “Oops…. missed” while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.

20. Fake an orgasm.

21. At night, switch off the lights.

22. Run around naked yelling “Where’s the fish?”

23. Collect a door charge.

24. Ask “Is there a doctor in the house?”

25. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.

26. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.

27. Write essay questions on the toilet paper.

28. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.

29. Offer refreshments.

30. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.

31. Run in, yelling “Free Willy!”

32. Charge admission.

33. Electrify metal urinals.

34. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.

35. One word: GOLDFISH.

36. Make a jello in the bowl.

37. Place a sign advertising “Driver’s side airbags” as standard.

38. Remove stall doors.

39. Glue seat and cover down to bowl.

40. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.

41. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.

42. Put itching powder on the toilet seats.

43. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.

44. Replace soap in dispenser with custard.

45. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.

46. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.

47. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).

48. In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don’t leave the water in while you do this….)

49. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.

50. SHIT.

28> Natalie Woods27> Dickdale26> Fredo Heights25> Landfilladelphia24> Mindyour Manors23> Parton’s Hills22> Peckerwood21> Polter Heights20> York Hunt19> Crapistrano18> Marilyn Mansions17> San Semillia16> Thunderbird Estates15> Dot Commons14> Belly Acres13> Downwind Chalupa Manor12> Rich Olde Whitehaven11> Tim Meadows10> Snobschwitz 9> Tartar Crest 8> The Runs 7> Foxworthy Mobile Estates 6> Hoffa’s End 5> Old Indian Burial Ground Acres 4> Burning Stream 3> Run Forest Run 2> Boxer Trails 1> Morningwood

• I’m a corporate executive — I keep things from happening.
• If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
• Lobotomies for Democrats: It’s the law.
• Bad Cop! No donut!
• Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• He’s not dead — He’s electroencephalographically challenged.
• She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

13. A dry cleaning ticket from Monica Lewinsky

12. An intersection without a Starbucks

11. A stale Twinkie

10. A Girl Scout leader with a sense of humor

9. A gram of gray matter or a shred of dignity from Washington, DC

8. A 2-liter bottle of Bismuth 209

7. The name and address of that Las Vegas “hostess” who ran off with my wallet whilst I was asleep

6. Joe Piscopo’s career

5. A million dollars in small, unmarked bills

4. A Windex sandwich

3. A Radio Shack employee who attended college

2. A volume from Posh Spice’s Nietzsche library

1. Osama bin Laden’s “Girls of the Arabian Peninsula” exercise video

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald’s hamburger last month. Here’s David Letterman’s explanations.

The TopTen List: “McDonald’s Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac” as presented 8/22/97 broadcast of the ‘Late Show with David Letterman’:

10. We were test-marketing the new “McTrojan”

9. Condom, condiment– what’s the damn difference?

8. It still tastes better than the “Arch Deluxe”

7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true

5. We’re experimenting with a new, even happier “Happy Meal”

4. So what — a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway

3. Employees too embarrassed to say, “Would you like condoms with that?”

2. Drive-thru speaker is broken — “Coke with lots of ice” sounded like “prophylactic device”

1. When you’re serving billions and billions, you can’t be too careful!

14> Winona Ryder — a great big overcoat, with lots of really deep pockets

13> Ozzy Osbourne — “Henry Higgins’ Guide to Impeccable Elocution”

12> Al Gore — “Sorry!” board game

11> Jessica Simpson — “The Big Book of Brain Teasers”

10> Rush Limbaugh — Little Pharmacist playset

9> Saddam Hussein — “Spider-Man” DVD

8> Kobe Bryant — a fabulous 5-day, 4-night stay at the luxurious Cordillera Lodge & Spa in beautiful Eagle County, Colorado!

7> Howard Dean — Saddam Hussein’s arrest

6> Eminem — a “Queer Eye” makeover

5> Alec Baldwin — autographed picture of President Bush

4> James Brolin — autographed picture of Ronald Reagan, addressed to “Mr. Streisand”

3> Keith Richards — “Commander of the British Hempire” bong

2> J.Lo — lifetime subscription to Modern Bride

1> Peter Jackson — three Danielle Steel novels and a $400-million budget

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Anal puking
Analyzing a log dump
Answering the call of the wild
Backing the trailer in
Baking a hot icicle
Baking a loaf
Baking a potato
Baking a russet
Baking some brownies
Baptising (insert ethnic derogatory here) eggs/larvae
Barbarians at the gate
Becoming one with the animal kingdom
Being anal-nonretentive
Big brown man knocking on the back door
Birthing a turd
Blowing mud
Blowing a butt plug
Blowing the butt trumpet
Bombing the bowl
Bombing Hiroshima
Bombing the Oval Office
Bombing the Tidy Bowl Man
Building a bench
Building a dookie castle
Building a Gomer Pyle (gawwwwleeee, Sarge!)
Building a home for a dung beetle
Burying an elf
Carpet bombing
Catching up on some reading
Chalking the bowl
Choking a brownie
Choking a darkie
Chopping a log
Christening a boat
Cleaning the tuba
Coiling a steamer
Committing yourself to the dumpatorium
Communing with nature
Conducting a movement
Consulting your ASStrological chart
Contaminating the dog dish
Cooking a brown carrot
Cooking a brown kielbasa
Cooking a butt burrito
Cooking some chocolate
Cooking some fudge
Cooking some sausage
Cooking up a pot of anal stew
Crap
Crimping off a length
Creating an ex-wife/ex-husband
Crunching one
Curling some pipe
Cutting some rope
Dancing with Duece Bigalog
Debulking
Defecate
Delivering a wild pitch
Dirty birth
Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap
Disembowel
Disemfibering
Disposing of some hazardous waste
Doing your paperwork
Doing the Royal Squat
Doo-doo
Dookin it out
Downloading some brownware
Drawing mud
Drilling for mud bunnies
Dropping a bomb
Dropping a brown trout
Dropping a chocolate cobra
Dropping a deuce
Dropping a dookie
Dropping a load
Dropping a log
Dropping a scone
Dropping a spike
Dropping a stool
Dropping anchor
Dropping loggy log
Dropping the chalupa
Dropping the kids off at the pool/lake
Dropping wolf bait
Dropping your ordinance
Drowning the kittens
Dump
Dumping a load
Dumping an organic depth charge
Dumping a stump
Emptying your anus
Enjoying a meatball sandwich
Evacuate
Exploring the watery cave
Exporting a cigar to Cuba
Feeding the fish
Feeding the flies
Feeding the pets
Feeding the refugees
Feeding your toilet
Fighting the rat
Filling the peanut butter jar
Firing the cannon
Flexing your cheeks
Floating a boat
Floating a trout
Floating one for the Gipper
Flossing
Flushing feces
Forcing the duck to quack
Foraging for dungleberries
Full moon over troubled waters
Getting down and dirty
Getting into deep doo-doo
Giving a dirty birth
Giving a (insert ethnic derogatory here) a burial at sea
Giving birth to a (insert ethnic derogatory here)
Giving the hemmies (or the man in the canoe – for the ladies) some breathing room
Giving the neighbors some food for thought
Goin’ fecen
Going caca
Going into labor
Greeting Mr. Hankey (South Park kicks ass!)
Grinding the beef
Growing a tail
Grunting a loaf
Hanging a grogan
Hatching a new boss
Having a shit
Heaving a Havana
Hitting a double
Hitting pay dirt
Honking out a dirt snake
Hound doggin’
Hurling a turd
Igniting a rectal rocket
Inspecting the facilities
Jettisoning the alien*
Killing the bathroom
Killing the shitter
Launching a butt shuttle
Launching a corn canoe
Launching a scud
Launching a torpedo
Laying a brick
Laying a log
Laying some brown carpet
Laying some cable
Laying some pipe
Let my people go
Letting off a corn rocket
Letting the dog out
Loading the crapper
Log jam
Logging out
Losing some weight the quick way
Making a Baby Ruth
Making a core dump
Making a delivery
Making a deposit at the porcelain bank
Making a doo-doo
Making a grunt sculpture
Making a log entry
Making a Minnesota hand warmer
Making modern art
Making mud
Making room for lunch
Making some butt gravy
Making some fertilizer
Making some haggis
Making some trouser chili
Manufacturing a three-coil steamer
Meditating
Measuring the depths of the water below
Microwaving a dachsund
Mooning the Tidy Bowl Man
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages
Offloading some freight
Packing your underwear
Painting with the brown stuff
Painting the bowl
Parking your breakfast
Parking some bark
Passing a load of coal down the chute
Passing the baton
Paving the Hershey highway
Paying the plumber
Peeling the wallpaper
Pinching a chimp
Pinching a crusty roll
Pinching a loaf
Planting a steaming bouquet of brown roses
Pinching the head off a (insert ethnic derogatory here)
Pissing rusty water out of your ass
Planting some corn
Playing at the toilet bowl
Playing a small percussion instrument
Playing craps
Playing with Winnie the Poo (sic)
Plop
Poking the turtle’s head out
Polluting the pond
Pooping
Popping some corn
Praying to Buddha
Punching a grumpy
Punishing the porcelain
Putting fruit in the bowl
Quaking the porcelain
Quickening the cleansing
Recycling corn/fiber
Releasing a load of bowel bombs
Releasing the demons
Releasing the hounds
Releasing your payload
Removing a butt tampon
Reversing a Ho-Ho
Riding the ceramic carthorse
Riding the hoop
Ringing the church bells (Dung! Dung!)
Rocking your rectum
Ripping a duece
Rolling a nut log
Sandblasting the toilet
Sawing off a log
Scaring up a tater
Seeking revenge for the Brown Bomber
Sending a message to the White House
Shaking your booty
Shit
Shooting the Hershey squirts
Singing with Michael Bolton
Sinking the Bismark
Sinking a link
Sitting on the bowl
Sitting on the can
Sitting on the throne
Slapping the pod
Snapping a log
Snapping a yambo
Solid fart
Sphincter snot
Sphincter spew
Sphincter spurt
Spray and wipe
Squat and clench
Squeezing a coily
Squeezing a loaf
Squeezing off a few rounds
Squeezing one out
Squeezing out those last few calories
Squeezing the butt mustard
Squeezing the cheese
Squirting dirt
Staining the porcelain
Stocking the pond with brown trout
Stretching the sphincter muscle
Studying at the library
Tainting the cloth
Taking a doogie
Taking a dump
Taking a Donald dump
Taking a growler
Taking a load off your mind
Taking an SS Capolongo
Taking a shit
Taking a steamer
Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl
Taking the kids to the waterslide
Testing the plumbing
Torqueing a moon-fish
Touching cloth
Training a (insert ethnic derogatory here) to jump through the hoop
Turning the wienermobile into a submarine
Unleashing the holy leviathan
Updating the Captain’s log
Vacating the premises
Visiting the toilet for a poo-poo
Voiding your bowels
Watching a dolphin splash
Weasel nosing
Xeroxing a copy of the bad stuff
Yanking the worm out of the hole
Yodeling in the canyon
Zapping the porcelain

You can live without sex but not without glasses.Your back goes out more than you do.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.You buy a compass for the dash of your car.You are proud of your lawn mower.Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and isn’t breaking any laws.You sing along with the elevator music.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You make an appointment to see the dentist.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.Neighbors borrow your tools.People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”You send money to PBS.The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.You wear black socks with sandals.You know what the word “equity” means.You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.You got cable for the weather channel.You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

15> Wiping snot on the elevator door at the city hall.14> Throwing out the vitamins and eating the silica gel packs.13> Giggling at The Man’s sissy clothes while he’s playing golf.12> Drinking milk straight from the carton *way* past the expiration date.11> When someone else complains about the government, saying, Damn right! using our best Isaac Hayes impression.10> Using a really pointy knitting needle.9> Dotting the i’s on our income tax payments with frowny faces.8> Flashing our own breasts at the TV during Super Bowl halftime.7> In through the out door, baby!6> Claiming yet another loss from our TopFive business on this year’s tax return.5> By taking advantage of the free buffet lunch at the topless club — even though we’re still spending over $100.4> Working from home whenever the cats seem troubled.3> Sticking our head out the car window and laughing maniacally while driving double the posted speed limit in the underground parking garage.2> Eschewing the food pyramid and eating according to the snack rhombus.1> Refusing to be duped into becoming a docile herd of mindless consumers who– hey, pull over! McDonald’s! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

“The Law of Avoiding Oversell” When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

“The Law of Common Sense” Never accept a drink from a urologist.

“The Law of Reality” Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

“The Law of Motivation” Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

“Boob’s Law” You always find something in the last place you look.

“Law of Impossibility” Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

“Law of Probable Dispersal” Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

“Law of Volunteer Labor” People are always available for work in the past tense.

“Iron Law of Distribution” Them that has, gets.

“Law of Cybernetic Entomology” There is always one more bug.

“Law of Drunkenness” You can’t fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret those hidden signs:1. Women won’t unlock car door for men – Doesn’t engage in oral sex2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman – no foreplay3. Can’t hail a cab – impotent4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant – prefers virgins5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way – is a virgin6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant – Compulsive Don Juan7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif – Compulsive Don Quixote8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar – Compulsive Don Ho9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant – will swallow10. Wants to go to a deli -won’t swallow11. Uses Sweet n’ Low – wearing falsies12. Takes too long deciding what to order – has trouble reaching orgasm13. Orders salad dressing on the side – will give you a hand job but won’t go ‘all the way’14. Gives explicit orders to waiter – will expect incredibly skilled gymnastics in bed15. Asks for extra rolls – will say she’s using birth control when she’s not, will get pregnant and sue16. Insists on ordering for you, refering to you as ‘the lady will have…’ – thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t17. Asks for the ‘usual’ – Insists on missionary position only18. Asks what the specials are – will want you to use handcuffs19. Fills up on bread and crackers – premature ejaculator20. Doesn’t finish everything on plate – has already come21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered – will make you sleep on wet spot22. Changes mind after ordering – will never call you23. Changes tables – nymphomaniac24. Drinks decaf – fakes orgasms (female)25. Orders in French – fakes orgasms (male)26. Sends food back – will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts – needs you to talk dirty during sex28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers – wants a handjob29. Orders a dessert involving nuts – castrating bitch30. Wants to split dessert – is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters31. Credit card is refused – low sperm count32. Undertips waiter – small penis33. Undertips parking valet – small penis34. Undertips cabbie – small penis35. Uses toothpick – is trying to tell you size isin’t everything36. Removable cassette player in car – pulls out repeatedly during sex37. Cellular phone in car – penile implant

16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.15> It’s highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the “USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!”14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.13> Two words: cheese tailfins.12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.10> Doilies on the control board? Potpourri in the cargo bay? MOM!!!9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.8> “Rocket sound” comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.6> Centrifugal force is measured in “Kenny Gs.”5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.4> The only ‘tang on board is the pilot’s mistress.3> The “heat shield”? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson’s shower.1> Transmission from Apollo 13: “Houston, we have a problem.”Transmission from your ship: “Honey, I have a wedgie.” [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]