Category: top lists

There are only ten times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

10. “What the @#$% was that?”

—-Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Ghere did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”

—-Custer, 1877

8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.”

—-Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!”

—-Picasso, 1926

6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?”

—-Pythagoras, 526 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”

—-Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the @#$% are we?”

—-Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers…. My ass!”

—-Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”

—-Bill Clinton, 1999

1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad.”

—- Saddam Hussein, March 2003

You Might be a Redneck Jedi if… Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth. At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word ‘chicken’. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. Your master ever said, ‘My finger you will pull..hmmm?’ You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. Your father has ever said to you, ‘Shoot, son come on over to the dark side, it’ll be a hoot.’ You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it. You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home. You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag. More than half the droids you own don’t function. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q. You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth. Your moonshine is made on a real moon. You don’t like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket. Sandpeople back down from your mama. You’ve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI. You’ve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You’ve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber. You don’t think the Ewoks are primitive. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. You don’t think Jabba’s pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor monster refused to eat you. You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper. You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father. And your uncle. And your brother…

16> Alec Baldwin — Country Potatoes (just not THIS country’s potatoes)

15> Russell Crowe — Catch of the Day

14> Sharon Stone — Chicken Thighs with a Clam

13> Jennifer Lopez — House Salad with Thin Skimpy Dressing, Melons Au Naturel, Juicy Rump Roast, and an Open-Blouse Chicken Breast Sandwich

12> Billy Bob Thornton — Mmmmm, Taters… er… I mean, Pomme Fritte

11> George Michael and Paul Reubens — Beef Strokinoff and Jerked Chicken

10> Sean “Puffy” Combs — Bowl of Lime J.Lo

9> Bob Packwood — Tongue, and lots of it

8> Rosie O’Donnell — One of Everything, Cutie-Patootey

7> Michael Jackson — Boys-n-berry Turnover, hold the berries

6> Marlon Brando — S’mores

5> Calista Flockhart — 16 oz. Ribeye with Creamed Spinach, Potato and Brie Terrine, Dobosh Torte, and an Ipecac Milkshake

4> Ang Lee — Crouching Chicken, Hidden Dumplings

3> Joan and Melissa Rivers — Bitches and Cream

2> Michael Douglas — Young rack of… well, just a young rack

1> James Gandolfini — Bada Bing Cherries

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the it to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.10. Bring pets.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

15> Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course “just happens” to land on Ken Starr.

14> Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.

13> In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.

12> Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.

11> Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.

10> Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.

9> Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.

8> South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!

7> Drop in barometric pressure causes girl-scout cookies to swell so large that they’re temporarily worth six bucks a box.

6> Inexplicable changes in Al Roker’s magnetic field.

5> Sudden shortage of Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin’ the ol’ trailer right-side up again.

4> Headlines with the word “blow”, but no mention whatsoever of Monica.

3> Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.

2> Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin’ fives at the topless club.

1> White House interns get time off while the President drops his pants and lets nature take its course.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

25> “No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey.”

24> “Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin’.”

23> “Sixteen men an’ a copier mess — yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner.”

22> “Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel.”

21> “I’ll be keelhaulin’ the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!”

20> “Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we’ll one day partake of noontime grub together.”

19> “No, Bob, I will not ‘shiver your timbers.’ I will, however, call my attorney.”

18> “To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!”

17> “Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones’ locker! Nobody flush… I’ll go get me hook.”

16> “Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey.”

15> “Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?”

14> “Fax ahoy, mateys!”

13> “Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule’s port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!”

12> “No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!”

11> “Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!”

10> “Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin’ a reboot first? Arrr! It’s the plank for you, ye mangy cur… and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!”

9> “Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!”

8> “Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin’ ta die fer that parking spot?”

7> “Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water… bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings… and a minute’s voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway… the unisex bathroom’ll be on yer port side.”

6> “Aye, if it’s a large treasure chest and amazin’ booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist.”

5> “Boss, I’ll be borrowin’ a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho’s and a bottle of rum.”

4> “Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?”

3> “Arrr! I’ve arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration.”

2> “Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!”

1> “Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin’ slivers o’ potato fried in the popular French style with that?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

15> The Birds II: Avian Influenza

14> Holes 2: Saddam Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

13> Ernest Scared Stiff: Weekend at Vernie’s

12> Dude, Where’s YOUR Car?

11> Schindler’s PowerPoint Presentation

10> Ordinarier People

9> Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Herpes

8> 50 First Dates 2: 50 Restraining Orders

7> Son of the Graduate: Take Out Your Teeth, Mrs. Robinson

6> Babe: Pig on the Spit

5> Fight Club 2: Stop Hitting Yourself. Why’re You Hitting Yourself? Stop Hitting Yourself. Why’re You Hitting Yourself?

4> Little Womyn

3> Iron W. Eagle: Mission Accomplished

2> Finding Nemo 2: Desperately Seeking Sushi

1> Cold Mountain Deux

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan…3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources…4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse…6. You want to see if it’s like the dream…7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume…8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them…9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk…10. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning…11. No one steals your chair…

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.