Category: top lists

15. Your attempt to sweet-talk your wife by comparing her eyes to “two oranges and a cherry” fails dismally.

14. Who knew you’d lose your shirt betting Bruce would go bald before Demi?

13. It’s not that you bet on the Australians to win; it’s that you bet on the America’s Cup in the first place!

12. You wagered against Ellen being gay… Double or nothing on Wolfe Blitzer!

11. Ceasar’s Palace sends a limo to pick you up – and you live in Bushville, Indiana.

10. Although uncredited, you were in more scenes of “Leaving Las Vegas” than Nicolas Cage.

9. Strong desire to have sex with Keith Richards and/or Courtney Love.

8. Every night during “Wheel of Fortune,” you scream, “Screw the vowels, spin the damn wheel!!”

7. You bet “yes” on whether or not your suicide attempt will be successful.

6. Every year you have to get a goofy haircut because you lose the bet about being elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

5. You’re the proud inventor of a do-it-yourself gold filling extractor.

4. When your 12-year old complains about conditions in the mines, you retort, “Try slaving over a hot craps table all day, kid!”

3. That stack of lottery tickets in your shirt pocket is thick enough to stop a bullet.

2. Donald’s newest casino: The Trump Taj MaLarry.

Your name: Larry.

1. When someone spins a lazy Susan, you slap a C-note on the counter and yell, “Creamed corn, baby, come on!”

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]

[ The Top Five List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher”

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ’cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ’cause I’d never touch the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room … accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.

5. “What” ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on “What”?

4. You sendin’ the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie’s got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He’s a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin’ to fuck him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber… it’s the one that says, “Bad Mother Fucker.”

14> “Wow! ‘The Matrix: Reloaded’ was great! What did you think, Saddam?”

13> “Hey, who’s the Girl Scout with Roman Polanski?”

12> “I laughed. I cried. I started handing out free deodorant.”

11> “Amazing! It was nearly Sandlerian!”

10> “But monsieur, Tom Green is surely the greatest comic genius since Jerry Lewis!”

9> “Get the ‘Jaws of Life.’ Someone’s got his lips vapor-locked to Scorsese’s ass again.”

8> “Monsieur Stallone! More ice water, maintenant!”

7> “I swear, if zey make us sit through another Keanu Reeves movie, we’re taking back ze Statue of Liberty.”

6> “No Milk Duds or Raisinets? You call this a film festival?!?”

5> “Every year these Americans show up, and this town reeks of soap and shampoo for a month afterwards.”

4> “I surrender — to the charm of this film!”

3> “I’m afraid your visits to the concession counter are affecting the tides, Monsieur Ebert.”

2> “I presented myself the Palme d’Rouge last night!”

1> “Yes, your breasts are quite impressive — but it’s usually the women who go topless here, Mr. Goodman.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.

15> Hazelwood’s Party Pad

14> The Gerald Fitzedmund

13> The Absolutely, Positively, Iron-Clad-Guarantee, Zero-Possibility-Of-Error Unsinkable Just-Made-the-Final-Payment

12> The www.MakeMoneyFromBelowDeck.com

11> Osama bin Sailin’!

10> U.S.S. Shirley Shirley bo birley banana fana fo firley me mi mo mirley… SHIRLEY!

9> The Compensator

8> Jenna, the Girl I Dated in High School Who Gave Me Herpes and Cheated on Me With My Dad’s Best Friend

7> The Havana Ferry

6> *NSINK

5> Carrie Ingillegalimigrantsanddrugsininternationalwaters

4> H.M.S. Chum Bucket

3> Ignore This Distress Call

2> James Cameron’s Wet Dream

1> The #13 Unsinkable Kennedy 666

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Top Ten List of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line’s Sovereign of the Seas Cruise Ship – 1998

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There’s a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day… the question asked…If the pictures aren’t marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

CDA Common Decency Act.

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE CDA HEARINGS From the judges’ chambers to the stairwells in the Supreme Court itself, we have the top ten things heard at the CDA appeal hearings:

10. I can’t define it, but I know it when I download it.

9. Does this mean the Paula Jones Web site will be taken down?

8. I don’t know about you, but I’m moving my site to Moldovia.

7. Well, at least the children can still buy guns.

6. So will Courtney Love play Donna Rice Hughes in “The Net vs. Larry Flynt?”

5. Don’t you just love the ACLU–defenders of truth, freedom, and www.perverts.com?

4. Oh man, I’d give anything to see Clarence Thomas’s bookmark list.

3. But sir, I have no pornograph!

2. Does anybody really think the CDA can outsmart a horny 14-year-old?

1. Somebody tell Senator Exon he can stop with the research already

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s an Oedipus complex?

Shut up and kiss me!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s an orgasm?

I don’t know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a nymphomaniac?

Shut up and help me get Gram ma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! The milkman’s here;

Have you got the money or should I go out an play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why’s everybody running?

Shut up and reload

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!

Shut up and step on the gas!

“Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.”

“No, Mommy, you’ll only throw me down again.”

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!

Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.

Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s for dinner?

Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?

Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?

Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?

Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?

Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?

Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?

Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa?

Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a werewolf?

Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won’t let go of my ear.

Billy, let go of Susie’s ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy’s guts.

Well, just leave them on the side of the plate

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?

Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like grandpa.

Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!

Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.

Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.

Shut up son or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t wanna visit grandma!

Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?

Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim!

Shut up or I’ll flush it again!

Mommy Mommy! It’s cold and dark and damp down here.

Shut up or I’ll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want hamburgs for supper!

Shut up or I’ll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!

Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a vampire?

Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy Mommy! I don’t like tomato soup!

Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!

Shut up or I’ll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There’s something in daddy’s eye!

Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!

Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma’s nail.

Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?

You know it won’t fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t I play with the other kids?

Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?

Yes, now shut up and get the jar!

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.

Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?

Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s on fire!

Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!

Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to see Niagara falls!

Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!

Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?

Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!

Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?

Shut up and search the sand traps!

Mommy, Mommy! I’ve lost my fingers!

Shut up and eat your french fries!

15> We’re still too busy answering “fan mail” from 1999’s NRA list.

14> Oh, we have, we have. You’re just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.

13> You rely on Amish AOL for all your e-mail humor updates.

12> It’s our fault — we didn’t realize a few people actually voted for Pat Buchanan on purpose.

11> Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless we make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.

10> You open your daily Top 5 List e-mail message only to see if there are any pictures.

9> We insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Chester.

8> After Bill’s repudiation, Ken’s interrogation, Hillary’s disdain, Linda’s betrayal, cable news’ vilification, HBO’s lack of support and the dismal failure of “Mr. Personality,” Top5 couldn’t possibly get under your skin.

7> As a Vulcan, you have no emotions.

6> You get automatic immunity because you’re a contributor now, unlike that pompous airbag Trebek.

5> Despite your numerous amusing balding middle-aged guy foibles, the balding middle-aged guys who own and write the lists fail to see the humor potential.

4> You always bring twice-baked potatoes smeared with Country Crock and Velveeta to the weekly Top5 staff meetings.

3> Because we’re gentle-natured, compassionate folks who would never intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings, even a semi-literate pea-brained walking bullseye like you.

2> Alphabetically, you’re on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy.

1> “Sorry, I’m away from my e-mail again today. I’m busy banging yet another bikini model on the beach in the back of my Hummer between bank runs! Hugs & Kisses, Carrot Top.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]