Category: top lists

 
Top Ten List (David Letterman)

 

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9.  Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his 
bells.

8.  You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.

7.  Paging Mr. Johnson … Paging Mr. Johnson.

6.  Elvis has left the building.

5.  The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4.  Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3.  You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2.  Men may be From Mars … but I can see something that rhymes
with Venus.

1.  You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”

15. “Show me the documentary! — The Life Cycle of Catch-Phrases”

14. “Hitler: The Man Who Ruined the Box Mustache”

13. “Tasteful American Architecture — A Termite’s Point of View”

12. “Drizzle: More Than Fog, Less Than Rain”

11. “Stalking the Juice Tiger”

10. “We Were What We Ate: Coprolites Through the Ages”

9. “Phases of the Moon: Fraternity Behavior through the Ages”

8. “The Proud, Predictable Hippos of Disney’s Jungle Cruise”

7. “PBS — Threat or Menace?”

6. “Weapons of Literary War: The Witty Zinger and the Pithy Barb”

5. “Nature’s Clueless: The Wives of Larry King”

4. “Evolution: Fact, or Darwin Talkin’ Out His Ass?”

3. “That One Fly That Sits on the 7-Eleven Donut All Day”

2. “The Vastness of Space: A Trip Between the Ears of Jenny McCarthy”

1. “Boogers!”

Unlike Humorless bureaucracies, real people can have fun with: Real Signs Found In Various Places…Sign in a maternity clothes store: ‘We are open on labor day.’Sign on the door of the maternity ward: ‘Push Push Push.’Sign in a non-smoking area: ‘If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.’Sign on a front door: ‘Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.’ Sign on fence: ‘Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.’Sign on an electrician’s truck: ‘Let Us Remove Your Shorts.’Sign in a realtor’s office: ‘Lots for little.’Sign in a shoe store: ‘Come in and have a fit.’Sign in an optometrist’s office: ‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’ Sign on a scientist’s door: ‘Gone fission.’Sign in a taxidermist’s window: ‘We really know our stuff.’Sign on used car lot: ‘Second hand cars in first crash condition.’Sign over a cannibal’s hut: ‘I never met a man I didn’t like.’Sign in a muffler shop: ‘No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.’Sign at a hotel: ‘Help! We need inn-experienced people.’Sign in a science teacher’s room: If it moves, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.Sign at the dry cleaner’s window: ‘Drop your pants here.’Sign in an office: ‘We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.’Sign in a veterinary’s waiting room: ‘Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!’Sign at a computer store: ‘Out for a quick byte.’Sign in a bowling alley: ‘Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.’Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: ‘Get a `long` little doggie!’Sign on a music library’s door: ‘Bach in a minuet.’Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home, Labor Day Weekend: ‘Please Drive Carefully. We Can Wait.

1 ) Casket features GM Goodwrench paint scheme. 2) The deceased is referred to as “being out of provisionals.” 3) Eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch. 4) Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession. 5) Hearse referred to as “pace car.”6) First-time mourners have a yellow “rookie stripe” on the trunk of their cars.7) No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel.

16> “I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”

15> “Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”

14> “Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys’ room.”

13> “Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”

12> “Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”

11> “Guns? We don’t need no stinking guns!”

10> “I’m tellin’ ya, I ain’t shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight.”

9> “Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

8> “Who let the dogies out?”

7> “You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”

6> “That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”

5> “He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”

4> “Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?”

3> “Dammit, Jake, yer an enabler!”

2> “It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”

1> “HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left… Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.8. Apparently, your flame war with [email protected] is about to turn ugly.7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”

Apparently a real list posted by a teacher.10.You’ll get a false sense of security that you have more spit than the instructor.9. You might choke on it.8. The instructor doesn’t know the difference between CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver. He’ll use CPR to �cop a feel.’ 7. It’ll lose it’s flavour before the class ends.6. Bubbles are distracting.5. Everyone will want some.4. There are no places to put it when it becomes stale.3. Blowing bubbles are distracting to the instructor.2. Everyone will complain that you’re not popping your gum in time to the music.1. The instructor will make you stick it on the end of your nose and stand in front of the class.

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

5. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

6. The subway makes sense.

7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

10.You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple”.

11.Your door has more than three locks.

12.You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

13.Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

14.The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

15.You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

16.You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.

17.You complain about having to mow it.

18.You are a skee-ball juggernaut.

19.You consider Westchester “Upstate”.

20.You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

13. You don’t look anything like Mary and Joseph.

12. No one else in the family is white, except for Uncle Jacko and his wife.

11. Unlike everyone else in your backwoods, redneck, trailer-park family, it is your ambition to become the President of the United States.

10. No one else in your nomadic tribe seems to share your love of collecting Beanie Babies.

9. The way your dad always says, “Aye, you’ve a bonney wee Afro, m’lad.”

8. You think Kathie Lee’s REAL children would have to turn out 200 blouses per hour?

7. Your dad: astronomy professor at M.I.T.

You: Almost starved to death when you got a cue ball stuck in your mouth.

6. Your family celebrates your graduation from high school by butcherin’ a hog and tappin’ the still.

5. Sober, monogamous, and a Kennedy? Hmmm…

4. Your dad, Mr. Hawking, shows little if any enthusiasm for your burgeoning career as a pro wrestler.

3. You bear an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States, but hell, so do a lot of kids in Arkansas.

2. Your brothers, Alec, Billy, Daniel and Steven, also work in film, but you’re the one who manages a Fotomat.

1. You: All-State linebacker Your father: President of Microsoft

Jam minature marshmallows up your nose — and try to sneeze them out.Use you MasterCard — to pay your Visa bill.Pop some popcorn — without putting the lid on.When someone says, ”Have a nice day” — tell them you have other plans.During your next meeting — sneeze and the loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat.Find out what a frog in a blender — really looks like.Make a list of things — you have already done.Dance naked — in front of your pets.Put your child’s clothes on backwards — and send them off to school as if nothing was wrong.Thumb through the National Geographic — and draw underwear on the Natives.Go shopping and buy everything you want — sweat in them and return them the next day.Drive to work — in reverse.Read the dictionary backwards — and look for subliminal messages.Start a nasty rumor — and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.Bill your doctor — for the time you spent in his waiting room.Get a box of condoms — wait in line at the checkout and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.

18> Weedies

17> Coke Puffs

16> Sugar Smack

15> Special H

14> Life Sentence

13> Freebasin’ Bran

12> Count Crackula

11> CrankenBerry

10> Toot ‘n’ Fibre

9> Turning Trix

8> Chex Into Rehab

7> Primo Wheat

6> Honey Bunches of Dope

5> Cap’n Crack With Marion Barrys

4> Muesl-X

3> Sugar Crystal Methampheti-Flakes

2> Froot ‘Ludes

1> Oakland Crack Bran

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Sex is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
• If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
• No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
• Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
• If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?
• If you don’t die from it — it is healthy.
• If everything is going well, you don’t know what the hell is Going on.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• There are three kinds of people — those who can count and those who can’t.
• It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
• My homework is like a juicy steak — rarely done.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• If at first you don’t succeed — give up! No use being a damn fool.
• Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
• No job is so simple that is can’t be done wrong.
• You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
• Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.