Category: top lists

15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.

15> He actually smells *better* these days.

14> She hasn’t chattered incessantly during “Monday Night Football” for weeks.

13> Every time the phone rings, the caller ID says “GRIM REAPER.”

12> You just blew this month’s entire grocery budget on Glade plug-ins.

11> Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman show up with an extra pair of sunglasses to take him on a series of zany misadventures.

10> For the first time in years, your pay-per-view porn bill is less than your rent.

9> She usually just eats all your yogurt, but now she’s trying to eat your brain.

8> Your date takes one look at him and asks, “What’s Keith Richards doing here?”

7> Lately, she’s become a little more receptive to your advances.

6> Roommate hanging a tie on the doorknob? Hot date.

Roommate hanging by his tie? Not so hot.

5> You don’t remember buying a bean-bag chair.

4> Last week: Steady stream of cheerleaders going into his room with beer.

This week: Goth chicks with chainsaws leaving his room with small bundles wrapped in plastic.

3> The cleaning lady has started tacking on a $50 “heebie-jeebie fee.”

2> Note on fridge: “Rent will be late, like me.”

1> He’s won a record 147 straight staring contests.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

16> Dazed and Confused/About Last Night/Dude, Where’s My Car?

15> Roots/To Die For/Legally Blonde

14> Gridlock’d/Something’s Gotta Give/The Human Stain

13> My Dinner With Andre/Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?/There’s a Girl in My Soup

12> Marathon Man/My Left Foot/The Color Purple

11> The Sure Thing/In the Bedroom/Gone in 60 Seconds

10> The American President/Devil in a Blue Dress/Say Anything

9> The American President/Clear and Present Danger/Liar, Liar

8> The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?/The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade/Breathless

7> The Rock/The Paper Chase/Edward Scissorhands

6> Blow/The Producers/A Star Is Born

5> A Night at the Opera/Rear Window/The Great Escape

4> What Women Want/Big/Pecker

3> Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice/Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore/What About Bob?

2> Nuts/M*A*S*H/The Howling

1> She’s Having a Baby/Stand and Deliver/Scream

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

11. Recurring nightmare: as your “Harpo meets Teller” routine is bombing, you realize you’re doing a radio show.

10. Social status one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.

9. People always asking, “Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?”

8. Wizenheimer’s Syndrome

7. You laugh on the outside, but inside harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.

6. Instead of crow’s-feet, you get punchlines.

5. Have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of “the shakes.”

4. The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.

3. Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.

2. You live in constant fear that your friends will discover your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.

1. Everything tastes funny.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

12. The Dustbunnies

11. Balder

10. Bag of Scones

9. Fitful Sleep, Probably Caused by Too Many Anchovies

8. Choirstarter

7. Cujo 2: Yo Quiero Taco Bell

6. The Whining

5. The Tummy-Grumblers

4. Children of the Kornbergs

3. Pet Seminary

2. Carrie-Okie

1. The Mommyknockers

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.

• Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.
• You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
• You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
• Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
• Your income tax refund check bounces.
• It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
• You put both contacts into the same eye.
• Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.
• Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
• You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
• Nothing you own is actually paid for.
• Everyone loves your driver’s licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
• The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
• You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.
• The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
• People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.
• When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
• You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
• You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole “write it 100 times” punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down the sentences that Bart writes on the chalk board. The following are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you’re not a fan, you’ll like these:

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless I’m sick

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr. Death.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.

The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.

I will not call the principal “spud head”.

Goldfish don’t bounce.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not deliciously saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

I will not waste chalk.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

I will never win an emmy.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

AH! Political correctness strikes again. Political correctness is definedas having the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that theylook forward to the trip. * He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. * He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. * He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection. * He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. * He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. * He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression. * You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange. * He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive. * His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated. * He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American. * You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined. * He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. * He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal. * He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion. * He is not short – he is Anatomically Compact. * He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion. * He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction. * He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible. * He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed. * He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia. * He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative. * He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated. * He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy. * You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment. * He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in ‘Deliverance.’)9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my dad.)8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and un-fulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s that male perspective thing.)In Response –**Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean.)**10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.) 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.)7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.) 6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.) 4. It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.) 3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.) 2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)1. Let’s be friends. (You’re sinfully ugly.)