Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”.He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”.He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.He paints the starship John Deere green.He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”.His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.He sets phaser to “Cajun”.
Category: top lists
The Top 15 Signs It’s Time to Abandon Your Space Station
15. Breakfast, lunch & dinner, every day — Van DeCamp’s Pork-and-Beans-in-a-tube.
14. “Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy…”
13. Ship’s computer calmly says, “I don’t know what air leak you’re talking about, Comrade Dave.”
12. The Benetton and the Starbucks were bad enough, but that new yuppie cigar bar is really stinkin’ up the place.
11. Ever since Joel left the show, it just hasn’t been as funny.
10. Latest addition to the onboard crew? Some French guy who brought 200 cartons of cigarettes.
9. Mission Control announces they’re going to attempt a tricky docking maneuver with the Space Shuttle Kevorkian.
8. Space station’s warranty expired 3,834,621 miles ago.
7. Tang and Stoli screwdrivers have lost their kick.
6. The damage is repairable, but ever since the collision, “Comrade Wussky” has been shrieking nonstop.
5. After several days of low oxygen, you’re starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei’s offer to join the “Hundred Mile High” club.
4. It’s down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.
3. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
2. Spice Girls on the holodeck.
1. That last little collision not only set off the emergency warning, it ruined the last of your clean boxer shorts.
The Top 15 Worst Blues Singer Names
15> Willie ‘White Shoes After Labor Day’ Lumpkin14> Charlie ‘Sittin’ in First Class & Cheerful as Hell’ Pickett 13> Al ‘Lightnin” Gore12> The Suspiciously Clean-Shaven, Well-Coiffed Artist in the Dark Glasses Who Won’t Admit That He Was Formerly Known As John Tesh And is Now Playing Barrelhouse Boogie-Woogie To Earn A Buck11> John Lee Crackwhore10> Timmy ‘Up With People’ Perkyman 9> ‘Portly Dan’ Aykroyd & Bruce ‘Shinehead’ Willis 8> Matt ‘Sleeping with Cameron Diaz’ Dillon 7> Winston P. ‘Sunshine Man’ Walthrop III, King of the Cape Cod Blues 6> Tiny Red Johnson 5> Screamin’ Josh Rabinowitz 4> Mack ‘Crusty Underthings’ Morton 3> Stanley ‘Stank Ass’ Wilson 2> Bawlin’ Wimp 1> Luther ‘Kill Me, Just Kill Me’ Johnson
Too much coffee
YOU KNOW YOU’RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN . . Juan Valdez named his donkey after you You ski uphill You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked You speed walk in your sleep You have a bumper sticker that says: ‘Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.’ You answer the door before people knock You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit You grind your coffee beans in your mouth You sleep with your eyes open You have to watch videos in fast-forward The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer You lick your coffeepot clean You spend every vacation visiting ‘Maxwell House.’ You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week Your eyes stay open when you sneeze You chew on other people’s fingernails The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse Your T-shirt says, ‘Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.’ Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas You can type sixty words per minute with your feet You can jump-start your car without cables Cocaine is a downer All your kids are named ‘Joe.’ You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails Your only source of nutrition comes from ‘Sweet & Low.’ You don’t sweat, you percolate You buy milk by the barrel You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers People get dizzy just watching you When you find a penny, you say, ‘Find a penny, pick it up Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.’ You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio People can test their batteries in your ears Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans Instant coffee takes too long You channel surf faster without a remote When someone says. ‘How are you?’, you say, ‘Good to the last drop.’ You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee You’re offended when people use the word ‘brew’ to mean beer You name your cats ‘Cream’ and ‘Sugar.’ You get drunk just so you can sober up You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson Your Thermos is on wheels Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug You can outlast the Energizer bunny You short out motion detectors You have a conniption over spilled milk You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale You think being called a ‘drip’ is a compliment You don’t tan, you roast You don’t get mad, you get steamed Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood You can’t even remember your second cup You help your dog chase its tail You soak your dentures in coffee overnight Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate You think CPR stands for ‘Coffee Provides Resuscitation.’ Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Top Ten Fun Things To Hide In Your Boss’ Office
1. A stained dress. 2. An open and empty condom wrapper. 3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card? 4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can’t see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk. 5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party. 6. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security. 7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day. Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso. 8. Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn’t roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out. 9. A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying, “I told you that damn condom ripped.” 10. A “baby monitor.” Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.
You Might be From a Small Town If:
1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to “headlight parties”
5. You used to drag “main”
6. You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won’t
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the ‘buyer’ for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy’s house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children’s
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they’d tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only ‘clique’ that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street
30. You don’t give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs’ Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons’, and it’s four houses left of the track field)
20 things we have learned from the movies
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.
6. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
7. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
8. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
9. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
10. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
11. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
12. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.
13. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
14. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
16. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
17. Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children but to you, right there and then.
18. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
19. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
20. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
The Top 16 Disney Excuses for Using Haitian Sweatshops
!6. “Asian sweatshops all booked solid with Nike orders, and Kathie Lee beat us to the Hondurans.”
15. “How else could we keep the price of a Disneyworld hot dog at a low $6.25?”
14. “It’s super-taxfree-imperialistic-export-price-bodacious.”
13. “They’re a helluva lot cheaper than those lazy Taiwanese!”
12. “You mean Papa Doc and Baby Doc weren’t cartoon characters?”
11. “Hey! When we had a bunch of dwarves working all day in a mine, you thought it was *cute*!”
10. “How the #$@$@%& else can we put a $3 toy in a $2.50 Happy Meal?”
9. “It’s a Capitalist world, after all… and we’re an uncaring, cheapass company.”
8. “Crappiest Place On Earth” sign over factory entrance never fails to make that scamp Eisner giggle on visits.
7. “We’re just trying to earn our ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ title.”
6. “It’s all we could afford after we paid those Korean animators 17 cents an hour to make ‘The Lion King.'”
5. “It gives those losers at Top 5 something to whine about.”
4. “We prefer to think of them as ‘enchanted sewing cottages.'”
3. “Mr. Eisner gets a kick out of the fact that the entire factory makes less per day than he makes each time he blinks his eyes.”
2. “Hatians learn much more quickly than our second choice, Canadians.”
1. “Zip-a-dee-do-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay! 16-hours-for-a-dollar-a-day!”
A BBS Commandment
21. Thou shalt not upload “worm” programs.
Black kids
Why dont little black kids play in the sand box?
Because there afraid a cat will try to bury them!
The Top 16 Signs You’ve Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator
16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, “This is a job for Decoratorman!”15> His stated intent to “Graceland this place up” is a little worrisome.14> Suggests trying a scheme that’s color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.10> Asks if you wouldn’t mind storing some corpses for him in your basement “until the heat dies down.”9> Suggests you sell your kids “since they keep messing the place up.”8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.6> It’s not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.5> You ask for a “country” decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino’s face looking down from the ceiling.3> “I call this look ‘Abu Ghracious Living.'”2> You’re not sure exactly what’s involved in a “Chuck Berry-style” bathroom, but it can’t be good.1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ][ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
The Top 9 Signs You’ve Gotten a Bad Hotel Room
9. The guy at the front desk stares at your chest and asks if you could “sleep facing the clown painting.”
8. They don’t take American Express, but will consider stereos, VCR’s or jewelry.
7. At check-in, the clerk informs you that all of the “Non-Infested” rooms are taken.
6. “Room service” is nothing more than a can of Spam and a bottle of Ripple in a brown paper bag.
5. “Marv Albert wuz here” chewed into headboard.
4. Room service answers, “This better be good, Jerry Springer’s on.”
3. A second look at the sign out front reveals you’re at “Howard’s Johnson.”
2. Sign out front says, “WELCOME, NAMBLA CONVENTION”
1. “Indian Graveyard Inn” even *sounds* like a bad idea.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]