Category: top lists

20> Ask doctor about that funky growth on my right nipple. 19> Volunteer to atone by singing the national anthem at the World Series. 18> Have Saturday night’s quickie Vegas marriage to Britney annulled. 17> Buy something nice for Ms. Lefty so she won’t feel ignored. 16> Trim pubes for the Grammys. 15> Cancel that DNA test — I’m *definitely* a Jackson. 14> Try a new approach for charming my way into a White House photo-op. 13> Apologize to Paris Hilton for stealing her Web traffic. 12> Have cotter pin installed in nipple to keep jewelry from falling off. 11> Teach Dennis Kucinich how to get some much-needed national attention ASAP. 10> Suggest to Michael’s lawyers that they try using the term libido malfunction in court. 9> Monday, 9 a.m. — mandatory meeting in Ashcroft’s office. 8> Lend Super Bowl outfit to Martha Stewart for upcoming attempt at a mistrial. 7> Blame the CIA, then appoint an independent commission to look into the matter and report back to me after the election. 6> Sue the pants off of Justin Timberlake — preferably on MTV during sweeps week. 5> Rip open the other window and dangle both babies. 4> Stage an open-mouthed kiss with Michael on the Grammys to revive our careers. 3> Book a flight to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. At least *there* you get beads. 2> Prepare wardrobe malfunction for tonight’s date with Ashton Kutcher. 1> Kick that idiot Timberlake’s ass; try to get Free Michael! tattoo removed from left breast. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

1. If a deaf child swears, in sign, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation? 3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?4. Is there another word for synonym?5. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 8. Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all’?9. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?10. Why do they report power outages on TV?11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?12. Is it possible to be totally partial?13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?16. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?17. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?18. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?19. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?20. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?23. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

16> Thunderbird Estates

15> Dot Commons

14> Belly Acres

13> Downwind Chalupa Manor

12> Rich Olde Whitehaven

11> Tim Meadows

10> Snobschwitz

9> Tartar Crest

8> The Runs

7> Foxworthy Mobile Estates

6> Hoffa’s End

5> Old Indian Burial Ground Acres

4> Burning Stream

3> Run Forest Run

2> Boxer Trails

1> Morningwood

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

14> anonymiss — the act of forgetting someone’s name immediately upon being introduced

13> crough — to cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough

12> jennamnesia — to be so drunk as to forget you’re the President’s daughter

11> bobbityboo — mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises

10> spaffle — completely cooked waffle iron runoff

9> smealth — the ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters

8> algoria — finding one’s Day Planner suddenly very, very, open

7> massturbation — group phone sex

6> dopplersation — a discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other

5> afterblow — the compulsive need to review the contents of one’s handkerchief following a good nose-blow

4> spillisecond — the fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out

3> algebrassierism — the compulsion to spend time in math class spelling “BOOBIES” on an upside-down calculator

2> doglet — any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat

1> squee-squee — the curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

15> New “ER Survivor” hybrid has the docs attempting to cook a wild pig with defibrillator paddles.

14> With no dialogue, Kathy Ireland’s career finally takes off.

13> David E. Kelley has time to talk to his friends and family again, and discovers he married Michelle Pfieffer!

12> ABC’s new reality show: “The Mole II: The Union-Buster”

11> Sylvester Stallone bumped from “Rambo V” in favor of Marcel Marceau, “the world’s most violent mime.”

10> A bored Arnold Schwarzenegger starts shooting his neighbors and blowing up his own cars.

9> “Wazzzup” sitcom followed quickly by “Wazzzup: The Movie.”

8> A million monkeys typing on a million typewriters begin working on the next Steven Seagal movie.

7> *Both* cops play by the book.

6> “Friends” and “Temptation Island” merge as “Temptation Friends,” a reality show in which the other cast members repeatedly offer lines of coke to Matthew Perry.

5> Michael Crichton’s Wealth-o-Meter temporarily dips to $3 million per minute.

4> “Okay, the best script for this week’s ‘Frazier’ wins the immunity idol. Survivors get ready… write!”

3> New “Everybody Loves Keanu” is nothing but one “Whoa!” after another.

2> Sympathetic Hollywood deli owners lower the price of a corned beef sandwich from $18.99 to $18.95.

1> “Here’s your question for $250,000: How many fingers am I holding up behind my back?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

• I will not assume that I know what’s going on.
• If I go anywhere for rest and relaxation, I will not take the hero along with me.
• I’ll tell the hero HE can go into town for the information, while I watch the camp.
• I will realize that I do have a life of my own.
• I will realize that the Hero is going to get me killed, if I am not careful. That he avenges my death because he feels guilty about this is not something that will make me happy.
• I will be very quiet. I will not act boisterous and draw attention to myself. The probability of getting killed is much higher if the enemy knows who I am.
• If I am tasked to carry this very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.
• I will accept the fact that I am not the Hero and the sexual advances made towards me by the beautiful captured spy is a lure to kill me and escape.
• If I am the town drunk, I should stay the town drunk and happily live out the next 40 years instead of getting killed by cleaning myself up.
• If I am a noted warrior, I am still allowed to wear clothing with sleeves.
• My shirt is allowed to be buttoned.
• If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.
• If my partner is Don Johnson, I can do the world a favor.
• I will adapt a skill at pattern recognition. If the last 4 sidekicks have died gruesomely, so will I.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

15> Siegfried and Roy — pork chop codpieces

14> Courtney Love — sobriety

13> Godzilla — Atkins’ lo-carb, high-people diet

12> Boston Red Sox fans — all hope

11> Rush Limbaugh — painkillers… ah, who am I kidding? Can you score me anything?

10> Calista Flockhart — those decadent mini-rice cakes with celery

9> Michael Jackson — the lost puppy trick

8> Ashton Kutcher — having random truckers beaten up for their wardrobe

7> Janet Jackson — shameless, transparent, manufactured attempts to revive her dying career through cross-platform promotion on vehicles owned by the parent company of her record label in order for them to recoup some of the losses suffered from signing her to an insane $80 million contract in 1996

6> Pete Best — repeatedly slapping self on forehead

5> Pope John Paul II — drag-racing the popemobile on Saturday nights down at the Colosseum

4> Howard Dean — delusions of grandeur

3> Mel Gibson — bagels and kosher dill pickles

2> Gollum — heroin… er… um… I mean my preciousss!

1> Justin Timberlake — using “biology malfunction” as an excuse for impotence

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Top Ten Legal Phrases That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn’t:

1. Think you can get me off?

15> Ben Stiller is a New York lawyer out of place in the South in My Cousin Ira.14> The MPAA is requiring a 90% Recycled Content notice on all new films.13> Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Carrey have signed on to star in Predator and Predatorer.12> Haley Joel Osment is starring in movie about a cereal killer titled, Hey Mikey!11> A young waitress at a Chinese takeout comes of age in the movie With Eggroll You Get Sex.10> A screw-the-rules cop and his by-the-book partner tussle with their superiors and each other as they try to stop a madman before he can carnally devastate another apple pie.9> Diane Keaton plays a desperate single woman who tries to find dates by pretending her car has broken down in Looking for Mr. Goodwrench.8> I Dunno, Dude, Where’s YOUR Car?7> Follow the excruciating and poignant final hours of a lonely Internet humor sweatshop owner in The Passion of the Chris.6> This summer: The Wizizzard of Ozizzle (Yo, we be representin’ the Lollipop Guild, witch-killa beyotch!)5> While writing her groovy Six and the City column for the school paper, Marcia reveals that Jan is barren, Cindy’s a slut, Greg won’t commit, Peter’s impotent and Bobby just can’t find Mr. Right.4> The new NC-17 movie version of BJ and the Bear has actual bears and actual BJs.3> Dolly Parton, Calista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle have inked a deal to star in Disney’s upcoming Big Knobs and Broomsticks.2> In Pride of the Reds, Pete Rose gives 3-to-1 odds that today he is the luckiest man on the face of the earth.1> Due by Easter: The Passion of the Christ II: Freddy vs. Jesus [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]