Category: top lists

13. The last time *you* got a piece of ass was due to some sub-standard toilet paper.

12. Instead of “Occupant”, your junk mail is addressed to “Loser.”

11. It may be an attention-getter, but no guy wants a girlfriend who looks exactly like Dustin Hoffman.

10. Snatching a grape off a block of ice with your buttcheeks may have had the whole frat house laughing back in college, but it doesn’t seem to be much of a hit with your date here at Starbucks.

9. You’re ALREADY in line for “Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.”

8. Your HMO has ruled your vasectomy falls under the category of “unnecessary surgery.”

7. Three words: rm weiner tattoo

6. Numbers 12 through 9 on this list made you sigh, number 8 made your eye twitch, and by now you’re bawling like crazy.

5. You know that 1% of men for whom Viagra *doesn’t* work? Bingo.

4. Nights are so lonely that you watch “Nightline” in hopes of catching a wisp of Madeline Albright’s thigh.

3. Even after years of therapy, you still wear your “cheese pants” because “chicks dig ’em.”

2. No woman can ever seem to make you feel as *alive* as you felt at the TrekMania ’74 convention.

1. Once you’ve had the President, no other man will do.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

1. Salmonella won�t be a concern.

2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

5. Pets won�t bother to pester you for scraps.

6. No one will overeat.

7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.

8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

9. You�ll get to the desserts even quicker.

10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

12. You won�t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the magazine — Aviation Disaster Weekly.

14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.

13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.

12> Your leftovers don’t have an expiration date… they have a half-life.

11> When no one’s looking, the dog sneaks your food to his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.

10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.

9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling for *chicken* eggs.

8> First day in the kitchen, your job was “toast the bread.” Then you were downgraded to “cut the bread.” Now it’s simply “stop your bleeding.”

7> You still can’t figure out what the hell a “tiblisp” is.

6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.

5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.

4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.

3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking gray hair.

2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.

1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and proceeds to beat you with it.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

30> Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of “Star Trek” conventions, would there be at least one with a life?29> Why is Pauly Shore so successful, while a deserving and talented actor like Tom Arnold is still struggling?28> Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Ask why Bell charges so much for toll calls.27> Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can’t move him?26> If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?25> The sky’s just BLUE, dammit! Get over it!24> If you sell a video explaining how you didn’t kill your ex-wife and her male friend and no one buys it, does it make a sound?23> What will I have for lunch today — chicken salad or egg salad?22> How much cheese could Chuck E. Cheese chuck if Chuck E. Cheese could chuck cheese?21> Yeah, where the hell *is* Waldo?20> If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?19> If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?18> If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much longer?17> How many angels can writhe in tortured agony skewered on the pointy end of a pin?16> If Mike Tyson bites off Jesus’ ear in a fight, is it a foul or a sacrament?15> If a tree fell and crushed Pauly Shore in the forest, would anyone care (except Misty Rivera, of course)?14> Why aren’t the Toronto Maple Leafs called the Maple Leaves?13> If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate?12> If there are elves in the gravy, why must the pigeon herniate at midnight?11> Which came first — the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken?10> Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a “Dragnet”? 9> Why *are* there so many songs about rainbows? 8> For what doth it profit a man if he gains his freedom yet loseth his Heisman? 7> If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long? 6> How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe? 5> If I am, do I drink? 4> What would you rather have, no short-term memory or I forget the question? 3> What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap? 2> If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite amount of crack, would they really be able to write a really kick-ass Top 5 list?1> How much wood would a woodchuck sport, if a woodchuck had a woody?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn’t looking good either. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ‘Where the hell is the ceiling?!’ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can’t get his pants off! We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful, or should that be I’m strange and you’re wonderful? Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? It’s gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack. The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know? Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. I put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional. Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s full of nuts. All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. Does ‘anal retentive’ have a hyphen? I get plenty of exercise — jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me. Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? I have not yet begun to procrastinate. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier. I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. — It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you……………. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode. When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am? Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

16. Hilarity ensues when someone replaces the life jackets with whoopee cushions.

15. Right after the ship hits the iceberg, the Captain hits the First Mate over the head with his cap, saying “Gilligan, you idiot!”

14. P-Funk Mothership descends on the quarterdeck and plays “Aqua Boogie” while Sir Nose d’Voidoffunk wails that he can’t swim.

13. Twenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet’s implants for safety.

12. Crazy French skunk sneaks on board and tries to romance Rose’s black cat, who rubbed against a freshly-painted white pole.

11. Sexy young Strom Thurmond is saved when his new friend, Sven, the handsome Swedish steward, heroically gives up his lifeboat seat.

10. Battle over survivors breaks out between the “Carpathia” and the “Kevorkian.”

9. Gopher, Isaac, and Doc escaping on a lifeboat with some stolen jewels and divorcees Karen Valentine, Connie Stevens and Charo.

8. At the 2:20 minutes mark, dinner guest #5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, “Will this damned thing ever end?!?”

7. A computer-generated Herve Villachaise screaming, “De berg, Boss, de berg!”

6. Fearing theme song will “go on forever,” Celine Dion’s grandmother leaps from lifeboat.

5. The evil fianc� reveals that he’s Jack’s father and suggests they overthrow the Captain and rule the ship together as father and son.

4. Kathie Lee belting out, “If they could see me drown…”

3. Blooper in which Marlon Brando’s “iceberg” makeup slips off.

2. Wanting his Scotch “on the rocks,” First Mate Skippy Hazelwood deliberately steers the ship into the iceberg.

1. Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.

25> “No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey.”

24> “Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin’.”

23> “Sixteen men an’ a copier mess — yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner.”

22> “Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel.”

21> “I’ll be keelhaulin’ the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!”

20> “Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we’ll one day partake of noontime grub together.”

19> “No, Bob, I will not ‘shiver your timbers.’ I will, however, call my attorney.”

18> “To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!”

17> “Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones’ locker! Nobody flush… I’ll go get me hook.”

16> “Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey.”

15> “Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?”

14> “Fax ahoy, mateys!”

13> “Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule’s port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!”

12> “No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!”

11> “Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!”

10> “Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin’ a reboot first? Arrr! It’s the plank for you, ye mangy cur… and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!”

9> “Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!”

8> “Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin’ ta die fer that parking spot?”

7> “Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water… bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings… and a minute’s voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway… the unisex bathroom’ll be on yer port side.”

6> “Aye, if it’s a large treasure chest and amazin’ booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist.”

5> “Boss, I’ll be borrowin’ a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho’s and a bottle of rum.”

4> “Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?”

3> “Arrr! I’ve arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration.”

2> “Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!”

1> “Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin’ slivers o’ potato fried in the popular French style with that?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

15> In an attempt to lower the cost of government, President Bush eliminates the month of September.

14> Keith Richards dies and is cremated; the smoke makes the entire city of London high for three days.

13> A presidential debate brings to light the fact that Al Gore didn’t actually invent the Internet — Howard Dean did.

12> Lance Armstrong wins his sixth consecutive Tour de France despite being forced by the French government to ride a Big Wheel.

11> With a cry of “Now Unite for Great Justice!” all nine Democratic candidates merge together into UltraDemBot to take on George W. Bush in the presidential election.

10> Despite a petition signed by most of TopFive’s contributors, “Disciplining the Primate” is once again rejected as an Olympic event.

9> World peace achieved, cancer cured, that babe in marketing goes out with– Hey! Who slipped the acid into my Fresca?

8> Saddam Hussein’s execution by firing squad is postponed when Halliburton tries to charge $300,000 per bullet.

7> In an attempt to bolster his failing career, Joe Piscopo dangles his 4-month-old child from stage over a group of nasty hecklers.

6> NASA scientists are astounded when J.Lo’s ass develops its own gravitational pull.

5> A surprisingly underachieving contestant pulls out a second consecutive win on a new reality TV series that pits a dozen equally inept Americans against one another for the title of “President of the United States.”

4> Building on the success of re-hiring Joe Gibbs, the Washington Redskins name Y.A. Tittle their starting quarterback.

3> McDonald’s joins the low-carb diet trend and offers fries composed entirely of beef fat.

2> John Kerry loses the presidential election when his plan to appeal to Britney Spears fans by French-kissing Al Gore and Bill Bradley on stage backfires and leaves him with unsightly cold sores.

1> Jesus returns to Earth and sees his shadow, resulting in six more years of reality TV.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

17> As you board the plane, you find the “Occupied” sign is up on your “private cabin.”

16> Every time you get back from a sightseeing excursion, Mr. Blix demands to know if you found anything.

15> “Alabamastan” ain’t really a country in Eastern Europe.

14> It turns out that Cawker City, Kansas, only has the world’s *second* largest ball of twine!!!

13> Your “singles” cruise turns out to be a cargo ship full of Kraft American cheese slices.

12> On your descent into Auckland, you catch a glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge.

11> You’ve driven halfway around New Zealand and have yet to see a single Hobbit.

10> Your Turkish tour guide says, “On your left you see my ping-pong table. Now I KISS YOU!!!”

9> Getting repeatedly screwed by the hotel isn’t what you expected when you signed up for the “Malaysian Sex Tour.”

8> Sun? Check.

Sand? Check.

Carrying an M16 while being shouted at by a drill sergeant? Uh-oh.

7> You asked for a room with a view in Manhattan. You got a peep-show booth in Times Square.

6> The “Transylvania” tour is nothing but a visit to a Polish union town in Ohio led by a couple of Goth chicks.

5> You’re amazed at the number of Australians who know how to yodel.

4> “Afghani-Disney” appears to be nothing but two guys and a real mouse.

3> Hey, isn’t that Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio on the Lido deck?

2> Snow White looks real enough, but you don’t remember the Elephant Man’s remains being part of Disneyland.

1> Your “around the world” cruise involves his tongue.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

13> Every time you attempt to take on the evil Church of Science empire, it files a lawsuit and gets a restraining order.

12> When you finally turn off your “Vice City” game, you find your bed has a severed horse head in it.

11> Your current high score is used to calculate the Department of Homeland Security’s national threat level.

10> Automatic withholding of 28% of your bonus points.

9> After three hours of “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City” you decide to watch a little TV — only to discover that you’re the lead story on “America’s Most Wanted.”

8> A little John Ashcroft icon hangs in the corner of the screen, watching your every move.

7> Every time you bump the car in front of you in “NASCAR 2003,” your keyboard’s airbag smacks you in the face.

6> Ms. Pac-Man refuses to do much of anything until her PMS eases up.

5> The decaying zombie carcasses smell worse than your room does.

4> Every time you play, the same sick feeling of hopelessness and despair descends on you, leaving you unab– oh, wait, that’s Quicken.

3> Bill Bennett’s got $1,000 riding on the outcome.

2> Donkey Kong only seems to have two moves this time: throwing poop and masturbating.

1> Try as you might, you can’t seem to find the frighteningly destructive weapons the bad guy’s supposed to have.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it’ll be a great trade!Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.Everybody repeat after me…..’We are all individuals.’Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.Chastity is curable, if detected early.Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.Beware of geeks bearing gifts.Half the people you know are below average.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you….