Category: top lists

14> The Fatkins Diet

13> The Michael Jackson Diet: lamb and veal on a bed of whitefish

12> The Guiltily and Secretly Indulging Every Between-Meals Craving and Believing It’s Okay Because You Eat Small, Unsatisfying Meals and Besides It’s Impossible to Gain Weight Once You’ve Told Everybody You Know You’re on a Diet Diet

11> The Bucket Diet: Chew all you want. Swallow nothing.

10> The Cicada Diet: Gorge yourself, have sex, then sleep for 17 years.

9> Southwest Airlines Frequent Flyer Diet: After having to pay for two seats a couple of times, you’ll slim your fat ass down.

8> The “Fear Factor” Diet: easy to watch, difficult to swallow

7> The I Only Eat on Days That End in “Y” Diet

6> South Beached Whale Diet: Eat until you’re a blubbering idiot.

5> SlumFast: Eat only what your daily allotment of food stamps will buy.

4> Ruben Studdard’s Sing the Pounds Off Plan

3> HBO Diet: What we want to feed you, when we want to feed you. And you’ll be endlessly grateful for it, too.

2> The Un-Brando Diet: Share meals with Marlon Brando; eat everything he doesn’t.

1> The Anna Nicole Diet: Nothing but well-aged pork.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Nike Condoms: Just do it.Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.Ford Condoms: The best never rest.Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know.California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.The Carl’s Jr. Condom: If it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face…General Electric: We bring good things to life!AT&T condom: ‘Reach out and touch someone.’Bounty: The quicker picker upper.Microsoft: where do you want to go today?Energizer: It keeps going and going and going….M&M condom: ‘It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!’Chevron: use them? people do.Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the borderMCI: for friends and familyDouble Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta’s ready when you areUnited Airlines travel pack: Fly UnitedThe Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone BeforeWendy Condoms: Where’s the beef?Denny’s Condoms: $1.99 Grand SlamMazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion servedHewlett Packard condoms: Expanding PossibilitiesBurger King: Have it your wayDairy Queen: We treat you rightAOL: So easy to use, no wonder it’s #1

15> O.J. Simpson — “Okay, Fine, I Killed the Bitch. Happy?”

14> Dick Cheney — “Oil the President’s Men”

13> Kid Rock — “Marshall Is Right: His Moms Is a Stupid Bitch”

12> Madonna — “Britney Could Sure Use a Pack o’ Them Breath Strips!”

11> Pat Sajak — “Game Show Personalities I Vanna Nail”

10> Michael Moore — “I Distort, You Deride”

9> The Menendez Brothers — “Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut, Sometimes You Don’t”

8> Jerry Rice — “Commitment to Excellence, My Ass”

7> Justin Timberlake — “I Banged Britney: My Big Book of Incriminating Pictures”

6> Jeffrey Dahmer — “Finger Lickin’ Good Recipes”

5> Chris White — “My Brilliant Original Humor Formats, and How David Letterman, Jack Handey and Those Bastards at the Onion Stole Them From Me”

4> Kobe Bryant — “Lying Hos and the Big Fat Lies They Lie-Lie-Lie About”

3> Lisa Marie Presley — “Blowing Bubbles With the King of Pop”

2> John Travolta — “101 Unspeakably Evil Yet Very Effective Brain-Washing Techniques Successfully Used on Me by Those Scientology Weasels”

1> Nicole Kidman — “Of *Course* He’s Gay”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
• If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• Born free… taxed to death.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
• There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
• So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
• Jesus may love you, but he won’t respect you in the morning.
• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
• I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
• If, a two letter word for futility
• I don’t care, I don’t have to.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
• I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• All men are idiots … I married their king.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
• Give pizza chants.
• Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
• This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
• How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
• Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
• IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
• Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks your an asshole.
• Life’s a buffet… so eat me!
• I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
• Jesus paid for our sins… now lets get our money’s worth.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
• Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
• I love cats … dead ones
• I love cats … they taste just like chicken
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Keep honking, I’m reloading.
• Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
• Hang up and drive.
• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
• Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
• I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Tow-ers will be violated
• Montana — At least our cows are sane!
• Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Meat is yummy!
• Mean people rule!
• Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• Born again pagan.
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
• I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
• So many recipes, so few cats.
• Cats… the other white meat.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
• There’s too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
• Save a mouse… Eat pussy!
• P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
• Wink, I’ll do the rest!
• Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• I love animals…they’re delicious.
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
• Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling to good myself.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
• Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I souport publik edekasion
• hoket on foniks werked fur me
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
• I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
• I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
• Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

10. Gargamel

Most likely LSD. spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. what does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oil

Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! she might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popey and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.

8. Snagglepuss

Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. He-Man

This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.

6.& 5.

Yogi and Boo Boo We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? – Are they gay? I mean, take a look at boo boo.

4. Droopy

The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.

3. Dopey Dwarf

He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigations. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck

If he isn’t using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.

1. Shaggy

By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van!

I can’ think of anyone actually making this up… Before starting a band, you should know that the following names are taken:[ a ]AlcoholocaustAlcoholics UnanimousArmageddon Dildos[ b ]Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood SwingsThe Band Formerly Known As SausageBand OverBarbara’s BushThe Bourbon Tabernacle ChoirThe Boxing GhandisBrady Bunch Lawnmower MassacreBulimia BanquetBuster Hymen & the Penetrators[ c ]CaltransvestitesCindy Brady’s Lisp[ d ]The Dancing French Liberals of 1848The Dead Sea SquirrelsDicky RetardoDrunks With Guns[ e ]e. coliElectric ProstatesElvis Hitler[ f ]Fearless Iranians From HellFields of Shit’57 LesbianThe 4-SkinsFour Nurses of the ApocalypseThe French are from HellFromage d’Amour[ g ]Gefilte Joe and the FishGonoreagan[ h ]Headless MarinesHell CaminoHerpes CineplexHindu Garage SaleHitler’s BikiniHIV and the Positives[ i ]Impaled NazarenesInhale Mary[ j ]Janitors Against ApartheidJehovah’s WaitressesJehovah’s Witness Protection ProgramJesus Christ Super FlyJesus Chrysler SupercarJFKFCJonestown Punch[ k ]Kathleen Turner OverdriveKerrigan’s Knees[ l ]Lack of AfroLawn PiranhasThe Leave It To Beaver Conehead ImmolationLee Harvey KeitelLesbian NinjasLouder Than God[ m ]Mao Tse HelenMussolini HeadkickMy Dog Has Hitler’s Brain[ n ]Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly EmissionsNervous Christians and the LionsNorman Bates and the Shower HeadsNot Drowning, Waving[ p ]Pabst SmearPenis DeMiloPepto DismalPhenobarbidolsPhlegm FatalePoultry in MotionThe Pro-Midget MafiaPsychic Buddhist Gorillas[ r ]Raging Pimps of DoomRectal NightmareReserectumResults of InbreedingRoid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries[ q ]Quasimodo and the Eunuchs[ s ]Sandy Duncan’s EyeScreaming Headless TorsosSeptic DeathThe Shamu Afterbirth OrchestraShirley Temple of DoomShirley Temple PilotsSimulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]Skeptic TankSmegma & the NunsSmorgasborgnineSolosexSpastic ColonThe SphinctonesStiff RichardsSwingin’ Johnsons[ t ]Ted Bundy’s VolkswagenThe Telephony Bandits of DoomTemporary Darkening of the StoolTestostertonesThe Texas NazisThank God We’re ImmortalThey Tried To Frame OJTo Live and Shave in LAToxic Shock and the TamponsTragic MulattoTranssexual HitlerTrotsky Icepick[ u ]Uncle Dickie’s Shameless Quickies[ v ]Vaginal DavisVic Morrow’s Head[ w ]The Well HungariansWillie Nelson Mandela[ y ]Yoko Homo[ z ]Zip Code RapistsZulu Leprechauns

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. 2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!”. Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones. 3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e.: chairs, books,lamps, etc.) 4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, “Mine are full of bodies”, then stutter and say, “I, uh, mean other garbage.” Walk away laughing hysterically. 5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close, state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, “looks like they’re on the move again.” 7. When they’re watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

14> The Lockhorns are still married, and still not the least bit funny.

13> These days, Brenda Starr looks more like Bart Starr.

12> Beetle Bailey spends the whole night at a corner table with the Goths, swilling tequila and railing about the government.

11> Peppermint Patty is a touring golf pro on the LPGA.

10> A long stay in Oswald State Penitentiary has made Dennis 35 percent less menacing.

9> “Look at Cathy over there with Peppermint Patty. I guess she solved her guy problems.”

8> Billy from “Family Circus” unable to attend as he was convicted of cocaine possession after a jury rejected his “Not Me!” defense.

7> “Little Orphan Annie! Did you have your eyes done?”

6> Sarge’s and Zero’s looks haven’t changed much, thanks to breakthroughs in external-tooth denture technology.

5> Director of Homeland Security Sluggo sends his regrets.

4> What the hell?!? Jughead somehow managed to become president of the United States!!

3> Charlie Brown’s bad toupee scares the holy hell out of Marmaduke.

2> Pig Pen now runs a trash business and is married to Anna Nicole Smith.

1> After numerous complaints about the punch, all eyes turn to the snickering man in the corner holding a ratty stuffed tiger.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

15> “Say my name, dwarf!”

14> “Look, Sam, my name isn’t *Mr.* Frodo — it’s Frodo. Mr. Baggins if you’re nasty.”

13> “You had me at ‘Aiya vanima.'”

12> “Nice work killing that Orc, faithful friend, but still it twitches. Slay it again, Sam!”

11> “I. Don’t. Like. The. Leggings. Drying. On. The. Rod!”

10> “It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that ring… doo-wah-tee-wah, doo-wah-tee-wah, doo-wah-tee-wah!”

9> “Brethren of Gondor, we are gathered here to join Arwen Evenstar and Aragorn, son of Arathorn, in holy matrimony. Frodo, do you have the ring?”

8> “Elvens have left the building.”

7> “Attention, audience: Fair Arwen is speaking, so you may all relax, as nothing important will take place. The next 10 minutes would be an excellent time to go pee.”

6> “Legolas my Eggolas!”

5> “Go not by that path, Aragorn! For my young companion Osment sees dead people!”

4> “Smeagol, do you like movies about gladiators?”

3> “You sure you ain’t never been just a wee bit curious, Mr. Frodo?”

2> “Ha! Let the dark armies of Saruman come! It would take an entire brigade of giant mutant four-tusked elephants to conquer our… well, son of a bitch!”

1> “Run, forest, run!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas. “If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

15> “Is meesa really The One?”

14> Bob Vila as the Keymaker slows down the action with constant demos.

13> With Tom Green in the role of Neo, audience members find themselves rooting for the Smiths.

12> “… and starring Paul Rodriguez as ‘The Juan.'”

11> After Neo gets chased to the outside window ledge of a skyscraper, the voice of Ashton Kutcher comes over his cell phone: “You’ve been *so* punk’d, bro’!”

10> RuPaul as Trinity — I mean, if you’re going to go with virtual reality, why not go all the way?

9> Bill Gates as the Core Program keeps having to reboot.

8> “So do you want to take the red pill?” “WHY, SOITENLY! Nyuk-nyuk-nuyk!”

7> Robin Williams insists on coming up with 100 separate personalities for his 100 Agent Smiths.

6> Popcorn and candy sales plummet in movie theatres after audiences see Anna Nicole Smith packed into a tight leather costume.

5> Even Neo can’t fight off thousands of attacking Baldwin brothers.

4> Confused about the red pill/blue pill thing, Robert Downey Jr. swallows a handful of each.

3> t.A.T.u. + leather S&M garb = millions of fanboys spasming in their seats.

2> While he shares Keanu’s black leather and inability to act, Henry Winkler brings a whole ‘nother vibe to the role of Neo.

1> As Morpheus, Jackie Mason convinces Neo to forgo both the blue and red pills and try the veal.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Some useful descriptions of people you may encounter from day to day:—————————–Not the sharpest knife in the drawerGot into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watchingA room temperature IQGot a full 6-pack, but he’s missing the plastic thingy that holds themtogether A photographic memory, but the lens cap is glued on Bright as Alaska in DecemberDuring evolution, his ancestors were in the control groupOne celled organisms outscore him on IQ testsFell out of the family tree Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming He’s so dense that light bends around him If he were any more stupid, you’d have to water him twice a week Its hard to believe that he beat out 100,000 other sperm