20. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
Category: top lists
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
The Top 19 Signs You’ve Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor
19> Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.
18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, “Damn,
you breathed again.”
17> Sundays feature their “Number of the Beast” special.
16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.
15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National
Endowment for the Arts.
14> Doesn’t offer option between “young Elvis” and “Vegas Elvis.”
13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.
12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of
rubbing alcohol “just to steady the ol’ nerves.”
11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.
10> “Whaddaya mean you DON’T want a swastika?!!?”
9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic
diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just
have NO IDEA.
8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to
accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.
7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you
arrive.
6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in
the air.
5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.
4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and
Huffys.
3> You’re served petit fours and cappuccino while
waiting.
2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the
employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.
1> Your “Jesus on the Cross” constantly mistaken
for “Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf.”
List
www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1996,
2005 by Chris White ]
The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part II)
16> “I’m voting for Nader. It won’t make a difference in the election, but it’ll definitely get the Democrats’ attention.”
15> “Surely the smartest, not the strongest, should lead. So you tell your Mr. Dover there’s a *new* head of Cell Block D.”
14> “Go ahead and marry her, Dad. I’m sure Anna Nicole really loves you.”
13> “I’ll bet a splash of Aqua Velva would feel refreshing on my newly shaved scrotum.”
12> “Hey, if I’m going to get drunk and pass out, the safest place to do it is right here in my own frat house.”
11> “Please, God, just let me pass this final and I promise I’ll never smoke pot again as long as I live.”
10> “Hey, Sean Penn! Say ‘cheese!'”
9> “Man, being Martha Stewart’s lawyer is boring. I wish something interesting would happen.”
8> “Okay, fine! That dress *does* make your butt look big! Happy now, Ms. Bloated Water Retaining Menstrual Cramp?!?”
7> “Hey, man, let’s celebrate tonight’s concert by *all* of us getting Milli Vanilli tattoos!”
6> “No, Britney, I think we should wait until we’re out of high school to have sex.”
5> “Mr President, as Director of the CIA, I believe it’s my responsibility to inform you that Saddam Hussein has been making fun of the way you pronounce the word ‘nuclear.'”
4> “I bet your breasts would look great in zero gravity.”
3> “We’re sorry, Ms. Rowling, we just can’t imagine this whole wizard thing catching on with today’s kids.”
2> “Free LASIK surgery done by medical students? Sweet!”
1> “Hey, this Starbucks place is pretty good! I wish they’d open up one in my house.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
How To Be A Cultist
How To Be A Cultist:Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettabledecline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evilpriests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct thisgrowing problem by submitting the following general guidelines forCultists.1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark ofthe amateur. 2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correctpronunciation of your deity+s name in the privacy of your own roombefore chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful. 3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head. 4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight+ itattracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, varioussupernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous duringthunderstorms. 5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stressthis enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals arelike beacons to the Powers of Darkness. 6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silverknife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare,condoms, and change. 7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es).Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going +round to beat upthe good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames. 8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest.Enraged demons always go for the pompous.9. Don’t gloat.10. If you can’t resist gloating, don’t reveal your plans.11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don+t leave the hero(es)to die slowly. They don+t.12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to dieslowly, don+t have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up atthe last moment to foil your evil plot.13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possiblemoment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hourearly+they hate that.14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run inwhile still affording ample concealment.15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are notabsolutely comfortable with.16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you arenot absolutely comfortable with.17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUREYES.Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they+d justremember this simple safety tip.18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is nowgenerally considered -bad form.-20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims beforethe ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average maleficdeity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix.When the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able todiscern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water onand the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours,some B-complex, and a good hot bath.22. Never play strip Tarot.23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in naturecan stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his ownsoul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with theheaviest artillery, so be prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just notfeasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooledby microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverlyjiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam + is rightout.
The Top 15 Pickup Lines of the Undead
15> “Your face or mine?”
14> “I play guitar. Care to meet my friends, Charlie and Mick?”
13> “You know, they named that drink after me.”
12> “Is it hot in here, or is that just the embalming fluids running through my veins?”
11> “I can ‘rise from the dead,’ if you know what I mean.”
10> “One look at you, and my knees turn to jelly. Or actually, sort of a yellowish, maggoty substance.”
9> “You must be tired, ’cause you’ve been running through my mind all night — care to peel back my scalp and see?”
8> “Excuse me, but did you just drop this finger?”
7> “What’s your name? Who’s your daddy? Is he rich, is he rich like me?”
6> “I’ve had my eye on you all night. Right there, stuck to your shoulder. Can I please have it back now?”
5> “Baby, if I were in charge of the alphabet, I’d put… BRAINS! MUST EAT BRAINS!”
4> “My rotten, maggot-infested skin would look great — in a pile on your bedroom floor.”
3> “You can’t spell ‘gruesome’ without ‘u’ and ‘me.'”
2> “Viagra, schmiagra — I got rigor mortis, baby!”
1> “Sweetheart, you light up my death!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
The Top 16 Lines You’ll Never Hear in a Western (Part I)
16> “As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown in the middle of town. The liability issues are staggering.”
15> “Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are here to tell y’all, it’s *fun* to go to the YMCA!”
14> “Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o’ nylons keeps the chaps from riding up.”
13> “Barkeep! Another round of Slippery Nipples for my posse.”
12> “Miss Kitty, I don’t think I’ve ever seen stirrups used quite like that before.”
11> “In this town we got a way to deal with murderin’ scum like you, Bart — civil litigation!”
10> “Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?”
9> “Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women… but considering what we’ve done to THEM, I think they’re showing remarkable self-restraint.”
8> “You had me at ‘Howdy.'”
7> “Yeah, I’m sure he was an Indian — his name was Amandip Gupta.”
6> “That’s *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner.”
5> “I cain’t go in the saloon! Brown Bart’s wearin’ the same shirt I’m a-wearin’!”
4> “They call me… Moesha.”
3> “Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain’t gonna have no room for the tiramisu!”
2> “Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!”
1> “reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Each player shall furnish his own equipment…
Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play — normally one club and two balls.Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time.Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.**WARNING** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
A BBS Commandment
18. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
The Top 14 Least Popular Rap Songs
14) ”Baby Got Clap”13) ”Top o’ The Morn to You Too, Officer”12) ”Let Us Reflect Calmly on Our Differences and Avoid Conflict at All Costs” by Grand ChessMaster Irving11) ”NHL!!! (It’s where it’s at!)”10) ”Actually, Maybe I’m Not All That Great, and My Sexual Prowess is Average at Best” 9) ”My New Minivan is Phat, Yo!” 8) Anything by ”Ol’ Dirty Bacarach” 7) ”I’ll Gladly Turn Down the Volume if it’s Bothering You” 6) ”I Feel Good When My Ho Comes First” 5) ”’G’ is for Gangsta, and for GAY!” 4) ”Okay, So You Touched It. Betcha Can’t Touch THIS…” 3) ”Dust, Dust, Bunnies” 2) ”Gimme Sum Dat Madeline Albright Boo-tay!”1) ”Smack My Bitch Up! But Then Apologize Because It Wasn’t The Ho’s Fault Cuz I Wuz Really Projectin’ My Feelings For My Whack Boss Onto Her And That Ain’t Cool, G!”
The Top 25 Reasons for the Absurdly Long Delay of the TopFive Book
25> There’s been no delay; that’s just the quaaludes talking, dude.
24> It took that long just to remember all the lists. You think we write this crap down?
23> Chris was busy with his day job: translating the Harry Potter book series into Pig Latin.
22> Prima donnas Muse and Hollister held out for a piece of the movie rights.
21> Ecstreemly difikult to find proffreders among TopFive contributers.
20> Chris had precious little free time because of all those extra shifts down at the 7-Eleven.
19> Printers inexplicably kept hacking every list down to a paltry five items.
18> Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, comes between Chris and his daily Macarenaerobics classes.
17> Like a typical man, Chris steadfastly refused to stop and ask for directions.
16> Hey, man, *you* try getting a million monkeys to lay off the Shakespeare-writing and poo-flinging long enough to edit a book.
15> Friggin’ hurricane list kept fouling the presses.
14> Chris was too busy burning incense and paying tribute at the altar of Rip Taylor.
13> Greedy bastard Rosenberg kept holding out for additional 1/238th of cent royalty per book.
12> Courtesy delay so as not to knock Stephen King’s latest from the top spot on the N.Y. Times Bestseller list.
11> Kept holding out for one more Clinton scandal.
10> With a little careful planning, a publisher’s advance can finance a surprisingly long hookers-and-coke bender.
9> Technical difficulties: The TopFive deflector dish emitted a tachyon beam which tore a temporal rift in the fabric of space/time, repeatedly jettisoning the books into the future.
8> Took that long for Oprah to deposit the payola check.
7> Chris’ daily Gallo binges brought the ghost of Orson Welles and his dire “Serve no lists before their time!” warnings.
6> Greedy Nobel and Pulitzer judges insisted on a full year’s worth of cash, drugs and hookers.
5> Chris has been detained at Guantanamo Bay ever since the publication of our “Top 15 Reasons Allah Can Kick Your Jesus’ Ass Any Day of the Week” list.
4> Damn tree-hugging liberal contributors insisted on a certified dolphin-friendly printer.
3> As a featured dancer, Chris never had the time to edit unti the Broadway show of “Cats” closed.
2> Kept waiting in hopes of including a “Top 5 Ways to Punish Osama and Saddam Now That We’ve Finally Caught Them” list.
1> We were waiting for TopFive scientists to develop a special suck-proof ink.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
One Liners
Okay, here are a few more:
What do parsley & pussy hair have in common?
You just brush them aside and keep on eating.
Why did God create women?
Because sheep can’t cook.
What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath.
What’s the difference between a blonde and an elevator?
Not everyone’s been on an elevator.
Why are blondes like 747s?
They all come equipped with black boxes.
What do blondes use to keep their ankles warm?
Their underwear.
How do Snow White and Pinnochio have a good time?
She sits on his face and says, “Lie! Lie!”
If a pair of lesbians and a pair of gay men had a cross-country car race, who would win?
The lesbians – they’d already be doing 69 while the gays were still packing their shit.
What’s the most commonly heard pick up line in a gay bar?
“May I push in your stool?”
How do you get 4 gay guys on one barstool?
Turn it upside down.
What do you call a gay bar with no seats?
A fruit stand.
What comes after 69?
Mouthwash.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.