Category: top lists

• “I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying – that’s what I get paid for.” – England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn’t win a game.
• “I have always found strangers sexy.” – Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
• “I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear.” – Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
• “That rainbow song’s no good. Take it out.” – MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
• “You’d better learn secretarial skills or else get married.” – Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
• “Radio has no future.” “X-rays are clearly a hoax”. “The aeroplane is scientifically impossible.” – Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
• “You ought to go back to driving a truck.” – Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
• “Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.” – MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
• “Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.” – A film company’s verdict on Fred Astaire’s 1928 screen test.
• “Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, `ut it will never work.” – Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle’s plan for the jet engine.
• “There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991.” – World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
• “The Beatles? They’re on the wane.” – The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
• “The atom bomb will never go off – and I speak as an expert in explosives.” – U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
• “All saved from Titanic after collision.” – New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
• “Brain work will cause women to go bald.” – Berlin professor, 1914.
• “Television won’t matter in your lifetime or mine.” – Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
• “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
• “And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam.” – Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

“Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.”

“Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.”

“Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone.”

“Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!”

“Work to become, not to acquire.”

“Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.”

“A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”

“Find old man in dark, not hard!”

“Man who smoke pot choke on handle.”

“Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose.”

“Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.”

“Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.”

“Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.”

“Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.”

“He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser.”

“Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”

“It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”

“Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.”

“Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.”

“Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.”

“Confucius say too God damn much!”

“Those who quote me are fools.”

“Man who drive like hell bound to get there!”

“Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”

“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!”

“Man who sit on tack get point!”

“Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!”

“Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!”

“War not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.”

“Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit”

“Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.”

“Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.”

“Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.”

“Passionate kiss like spider web — lead to undoing of fly.”

“Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.”

“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night”

“Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.”

“Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok”

“Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.”

“Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent

15> Free drinks for sky marshals.

14> Any flight attendant who really moved her tail for you has already switched to Hooters Air.

13> Instead of an in-flight movie, the flight crew acts out scenes from “Seabiscuit.”

12> You watch as ash falls from the flight attendant’s cigar into the plastic cup as she pours the pilot another shot of cheap rum.

11> Barf bag contents become Chinese cuisine on the next leg of the trip.

10> “… and if you look out the right side of the plane, you’ll see some lovely matched luggage plummeting into the ocean.”

9> Three words: Air Penny Marshall

8> Not only do overweight people have to pay higher fares, so do ugly people, loud people, smelly people, New Yorkers, game show hosts, people named “Dennis,” anyone who liked the movie “You’ve Got Mail” and Gwyneth Paltrow.

7> The flight attendants don’t even bother to clean up after passengers defecate on the snack cart.

6> A maintenance technician removes the emergency slide for use at his daughter’s pool party.

5> Your flight to L.A. lands at every Stuckey’s between Nashville and Flagstaff.

4> During the safety demo, instead of using the prop provided by the airline, the flight attendant grabs the oxygen mask off of the old guy in the first row.

3> Your request for connection information gets you: “Sure, your lips and my ass.”

2> The pilot announces that the flight will be delayed until he’s done with the flight attendant.

1> “If anyone on board knows Arabic, the captain would like your help playing a little trick on those whiny brats in the control tower.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

Chevrolet Nova didn’t do well in Spanish speaking countries … Nova means ‘No Go’ …Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name ‘Pavian’ to suggest French chic … but ‘Pavian’ means ‘baboon’ in German.A peanut-packed chocolate bar targeted at Japanese teenagers needing energy while cramming for exams ran headlong into a belief that eating peanuts and chocolate causes nosebleeds.Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, ‘Avoid Embarrassment – Use Quink’ into Spanish as ‘Evite Embarazos – Use Quink’ … which also means ‘Avoid Pregnancy – Use Quink.’When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA – the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food i package labels.Coors slogan, ‘Turn it Loose,’ translated into Spanish as ‘Suffer From Diarrhea.’Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since ‘Puff’ is a colloquial term for whorehouse.Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means ‘Intimidating Green Ogre.’When Coca-Cola first came to China, it was given a similar sounding name … but the characters used for the name meant ‘Bite the Wax tadpole.’Chicken magnate Frank Perdue wants us to know that ‘It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,’ but the Spanish translation came out as ‘It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.’The “Got Milk?” campaign was used in Mexico or wherever, and it translated as, “Are you lactating?”

“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”

“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”

“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”

“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

“To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”

“I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.'”

“I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life.

Number one, ‘cover for me.’

Number two, ‘oh, good idea, boss.’

Number three, ‘it was like that when I got here.'”

“Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”

“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'”

“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”

“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?”

“We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”

“Television – teacher, mother, secret lover!”

“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.'”

15> Homeland Security: Taste the Rainbow

14> We’re Watching You, Commie

13> So Many Colors, So Little Time

12> We’ll Watch Over You Like a Big Brother

11> The Stealthy, Sneaky, Privacy-Invading Alert-Issuing Hide-Under-Your-Bed-While-Bush-Bombs-Iraq Agency

10> Now With 20 Percent Fewer Constitutional Freedoms!

9> Don’t Be Afraid of a Terrorist Iraqi — Just Move to Canada and Learn to Play Hockey!

8> Pay No Attention to the Economy Behind the Curtain!

7> Orange You Glad We Didn’t Say “Red”?

6> Whoa, That Bill Clinton Sure Was a Randy Son of a Gun!

5> Dude, Where’s Your Duct Tape?

4> Be Prepared. Wear Brown Pants.

3> Now With Color-Coded Garanimals Threat Charts!

2> Shhhh!!! We’re Hunting Wabbits.

1> Holy Shit!! What Was THAT!!!???

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Twenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet’s implants for safety.

At the two-hour-and-20-minute mark, dinner guest No. 5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, “Will this darn movie ever end?”

A computer-generated Herve Villechaize screams, “De berg, de berg! Boss, de berg!”

Fearing that theme song will go on forever, Celine Dion’s grandma leaps from a lifeboat.

Rose’s evil betrothed reveals he’s really Jack’s father and suggests they overthrow the captain and rule the ship together, as father and son.

Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.

11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.

1. It’s a great way to pick up girls, because they’ll think you HAVE money. 2. It’s as interesting or more so than being a political scientist. 3. It’s a hell of a lot more fun than the “Where’s Waldo” club. You get to find the missing money in the deficit budget picture!!! 4. Good pay for sitting around in dressy clothes and discuss what other people should do about problems we all face. 5. Business people will respect you and thus give you great deals on all the best drugs. 6. It’s the best way to stay out of politics. If you know what you’re doing, then you’re totally unqualified for office. 7. The feeling of superiority. Nothing beats talking down to a bunch of people who haven’t got a clue and are willing to go along with whatever you say because they assume you know what you’re talking about. 8. It’s a good way to assure dinner reservations. 9. Early retirement. Hell, the career and the retirement will all seem the same. 10. You sweat a lot less than accountants do. 11. You can tell the girls: Trust me, I am an economist. 12. You can claim a *reason* for using a portable computer on the bus. 13. Nobody will ever ask you for a few dollars over the weekend. 14. You can read the financial pages while drinking daiquiris in the bar. 15. The ability to coldly stare muscled bullies into the eyes and snarl: – According to Smith’s theorem, you are WRONG. 16. You can tell people exactly what the right thing to buy is — and afterwards, you can tell them exactly why it didn’t work. 17. You can get a job at any McDonald’s. 18. Wearing pin-striped suits in public. 19. Getting to join the ‘Wall Street’ fan club. 20. Never be expected to actually *create* anything

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.3. Gun wounds again?4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!7. How can you use my intestines as a gift?8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!12. You daring lousy guy.13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?And finally…18. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

1) I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.2) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?3) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.4) Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.5) If all is not lost, where is it?6) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.7) If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.8) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.9) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.10) It was all so different before everything changed.11) Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant.12) Nostalgia isn’t what is used to be.13) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.14) It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.15) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.16) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.17) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.18) When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?19) There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.20) A closed mouth gathers no feet.21) Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.22) It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.23) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.