Category: top lists

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.32. Bring a water pistol with you.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider webBeelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast outCashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite periodCaterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eatingDecaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for youForeploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sexGrantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where artist or scientists dwell without fundingIntaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start withKinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to remove relatives who come to visitLullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep

1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).

12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

From Topfive.comThe Top 17 Differences if the Olympics Were Held at Disneyland 17> Medals placed around winners’ necks by chirping birds.16> Goofy buys the farm in bizarre archery “accident.”15> Regulation requiring all rowing event competitors to keep their hands and arms inside the boat at all times results in considerably lower scores.14> Sprinters legs spin wildly in place before they take off.13> Hammer Throw replaced with Dwarf Toss.12> Animatronic John Tesh much livelier than the real one.11> Donald Duck defects to Busch Gardens.10> Tinkerbell’s “fairy dust” added to list of banned substances.9> Animatronic Abe Lincoln wins the Decathalon!8> $4 Cokes only cost $3.75.7> New Slogan: “The Sweatiest Place On Earth!”6> Minnie Mouse and Kerri Strug never seen together… hmmmm.5> Barbells marked ‘10,000 Pounds’ absurdly easy to lift.4> A petulant Pluto demands chance to race for record 10th dog biscuit.3> The Little Mermaid takes home a record 49 gold medals in swimming events.2> “Gymnastic gold or no gymnastic gold, you’re too short for the rides!”…and TopFive.com’s Number 1 Difference if the Olympics Were Held at Disneyland…1> Synchronized swimmers don’t just look goofy — they *ARE* Goofy!

16> Beer Factor

15> Trading Spouses

14> SCI: Strip Club Investigation

13> That ’70s Chauvinism

12> 6 Minutes

11> Martha Stewart’s Living… IN HELL!

10> Iron Chef Boyardee’s Bachelor Cooking Smackdown

9> Hookers Say the Darndest Things!

8> Everybody Loves Raymond in a Healthy, Heterosexual, Manly Way

7> Xtreme Stooges

6> Boffing the Vampire Slayer

5> Survivor: Fabric Store

4> Who Wants to Beat Up a Figure Skater?

3> Twin Peaks — I Kid You Not!

2> Judging Amy’s

1> Farts: The Ken Burns Documentary

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald’s hamburger recently. Here’s David Letterman’s explanation in his Top 10 formatTop Ten List… McDonald’s excuses for the condom in the Big Mac10. We were test marketing the new ”McTrojan” 9. Condom, Condiment – what’s the damn difference 8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe 7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake 6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true 5. We’re experimenting with a new even happier Happy Meal 4. So what – a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway 3. Employees too embarrassed to say ”Would you like condoms with that” 2. Drive-thru speaker broken-”Coke with lots of ice” sounded like ”Prophylactic device” 1. When you’re serving billions and billions, you can’t be too careful.

13> “I can really feel the love tonight — apart from the venomous glares of the losers, that is.”

12> “I’d like to thank my parents, for the deep psychological scars they inflicted which led me to seek out a career where I can get the empty, whore-like attention I so crave.”

11> “Dude, was I in that movie? Man, maybe I really should be in rehab.”

10> “And I’d like to thank the Church of Scientology, without whom I would have enough money that I wouldn’t have had to make this movie in the first place.”

9> “I’d like to thank Palm Beach County for designing this year’s ballot…”

8> “I’d like to thank the Academy for this award — but since I had to sleep with the guy from Price-Waterhouse…”

7> “I’m sure I’ll appreciate the irony of this achievement three years from now, when I’m stuck doing ‘Hollywood Squares’ to pay the rent.”

6> “And in closing, I’d like to invite Roger Ebert to bite me…”

5> “…and to my wife who stuck by me all these years: Sorry, Babe, but Oscar means a supermodel upgrade.”

4> “Achieving this kind of success as an actor is a struggle. That’s why I’d like you all to consider how much extra money you could be making as an Amway distributor…”

3> “…and most of all, this means no more blowing directors to get the good roles.”

2> “I’d like to thank my boyfriend, Benjamin Brat for all his support, the director, Steven Soderbergh, for including me in this great project, and of course, Mephistopheles, Lord of the Hoary Netherworld, for my entire career.”

1> “I accept this award not just for me, but for *all* the dudes out there who occasionally lose their cars.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.

25> Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.

24> Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.”

23> Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.

22> Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.

21> Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.

20> Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.

19> Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.

18> Berate domestic staffers while I still can.

17> Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.

16> Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.

15> Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.

14> Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.

13> Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal’s probably cold in the morning.

12> Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.

11> Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.

10> Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.

9> Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!

8> Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.

7> Start work on new book: “Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.”

6> Ask Rosie how to say “I’m not interested” in Lesbianese.

5> Remember… Outside: “And that’s a GOOD thing!” Inside: “Shit be da bomb, yo!”

4> Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.

3> Roll around in a huge friggin’ pile of money one last time before going off to jail.

2> Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.

1> Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

“Manhole Covers of Los Angeles,” by Robert and Mimi Melnick (1974) “Eat Your House: Art Eco Guide to Self-Sufficiency” by Frederic Hobbs (1981) “Proceedings of the Second Inter-national Workshop on Nude Mice,” University of Tokyo (1978) “Teach Yourself Alcoholism,” by Meier Glatt (1975) “Grow Your Own Hair,” by Ron MacLaren (1947) “Three Weeks in Wet Sheets” (1856) “The Art and Science of Dumpster Diving” (1997) — Bizarre News

22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.